Monday, May 25, 2009

Exchange

Growing up I could list in long colorful details everything I felt was done to me by my Dad. As if he was supposed to be this tower of perfection the redefinition of Fatherhood. I was so upset that I had this guy as my Dad and yet I adored him like mad. Still do, I miss him when I don’t see him and I am in agony when I do see him or hear about him and it’s something he has done some crime committed that just irks me just throws me off my game. If he wasn’t so important to me I wouldn’t hang on his every action as if it mattered. Someone once said to me when I had given my father a wide berth (years) of space. They said you will miss him when he goes (dies) more then you will know and it will haunt you so get over what ever you have between him and love him. I forgot to call him on his birthday and it has really caused him and me pain. In truth it was his pain of having to remind me that it was his birthday that I felt. It is one thing to hate a person for their very being but not mean it (I never did mean it) it is another thing to really see that in deed I do affect him and it is to the quick so to speak.
AGH… fathers why is it that it is this lightening rod of “stuff” of history and it is so meaningful?
I am deeply grateful Tommy Chong is my father . His behavior growing up and as recent as yesterday has shaped me. It has helped me see my own deep wounds and faults which are many. And he has taught me tolerance., I love this guy and his imperfections. He is THE BEST father for me and I love him.
Happy Birthday daddy you are a sweet spot in my heart, my delight… my beloved.

7 comments:

frenchwoman said...

n fact I will still try to write lol!!!
You know my father did not recognize me with the birth and thus it did not raise me, the years passed and I wanted to know who it was really
its past was hateful it made things not pretty of the whole
he liked the alccool, the women, the young people femmesetc…
and then (while shortening) I met it at 38 years it had had a cancer of the throat and did not speak any more, then during a few years we dialogued as one could, then another cancer arrived, and when one my prevented of his death I was on the point of going to find it, I have to howl… to howl after what I had not had of him, and since I have despite everything the impression to be incomplete

he has to cost 10 years of therapy to me but I would have to like to have a father with whom to say I love

it is like that.

glt said...

FW? Extremely touching. Very understandable to the maximus, as I and perhaps us all persue the love of our birth and blood until the end, or beginning of the rebirth.

RDC? All I know about Tommy is from you, movies, wickopedia, etc...
Didn't he take the sword on the hideous trumped up bong charge and get royally screwed by the attention seeking prosecutors? From you I get the feel he was not father knows best warm and loving...
tooo much ego and self-involvement?
Like my dad maybe...who always treated me like one of HIS creation impediments and if I couldn't blend into him he would not be happy...?
To him the world WAS him...

I never stopped loving him, even tho I hated him almost constantly.
Even on his death bed, juiced on morphine and in a diaper, he bitched at me for my failings.
I just smiled and kept quiet.

Note:my mama's b-day was the same as Tommy's---May 24...she was a crazy airhead early Gemini who couldn't hold on to thoughts very well. I estranged from her for several years but rubbed her back at her request right before she died.

clouise said...

i wondered where or if you were still writing, this is cee arorash

Rae Dawn Chong said...

Hey Cee! Everyone new welcome to the blog I moved...here.

I miss you Cee too.

I write or try to everyday.

xo

Tony Bunn said...

Imagine how you'd feel if your father was, uh, Dick Cheney, or Saddam (no last name required), or virtually anybody else.

One does oneself an immense disservice at lamenting the things that others don't do (even when they're supposed to be responsible) to make our lives easier; we're all somewhat screwed-up in this life --- perhaps, that's what it's all about. However, the beauty in this realm occurs when one seizes responsibility for all aspects of one's time here (where such is appropriate --- obviously, much of early childhood is a wash, in that regard) and one proceeds to magically generate beauty, even from the ugliest of source material.

Continue to do so.... ;o)

Tony Bunn said...

At the same time, I can also attest to the pain that is felt by watching a parent (or any other loved-one, for that matter) continue to run a thoroughly-trodden self-destructive circuit. However, at some point, we each must come to terms with the fact that everyone will lie in the bed that one makes for oneself. However painful it may be (in some cases) to witness this, it's not fair to the individual to impose one's value judgment upon the other's choice of linen.

jolie said...

I hear ya girlfriend! just found your blog...I am "Q's" daughter.Just came back from Vermont..loved it.Is that near you..NH?
xoxox
Nice blog...we are so on the same page!
Love to you
Jolie
Would love to be in touch...couldn't find an email for you

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