Tuesday, December 29, 2009


Nothing is more refreshing then the start of a new year and decade. I like that we begin double digits in this new cycle starting with 2010. That is a sexy number. 9's have always been a bit brutish a number vibrationally for me. It's important to have challenges no doubt it keeps us sharp but 9's are almost Saturn-ish (sharp, harsh, task masters) by definition they take no prisoners. Death, loss and other dramas so to say goodbye to a nine year is a slice of heaven for me. Bye bye...oh good things do come from hardship no doubt but it's nice to celebrate the shift, the relief as it comes. I have a long list of things I want to get done or start and achieve. Mainly I need to grasp myself, know myself better, hold myself close and yet not too close so as to lose perspective yet continue the dive into the depths of my secrets yet not dwell in the murky material either. I think there is a flaw with the entire human potential movement and that is if we spend too much time dwelling and ruminating and being in "pain body" like denial or avoidance that too can be bad or off balance and destructive. So it's balancing the two being deep when needed and lightening up when needing to, too. It's possible we will have an exciting decade ahead filled with triumphant accomplishments and insights and no doubt a bit of tragedy, the ever present contrast.

It is said we all should welcome it; contrast.
Life in all it's color...literally.
Adios 2009 it was interesting and I am glad it is over.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Sticks and stones

Today I read a disturbing note sent to me by a friend on FB who is smarting (hurt) from what they say was a personal attack from another facebook friend. It seems that he was attacked literally by comments aimed at his person and his families honor. Now I am certain we are grownups here on the thread and certainly can separate between what is truth and what is an others opinion. At least I hope so. What you think about me is not my business. In fact what anyone else thinks or feels about me in general is NOT my business so I don't worry about it. First as a way to find liberation from unnecessary mental anguish and second because there is nothing I can do to alter your feelings. Nor is it my business to try. Save your energy people. The moment each of us can get that lesson the better we all will feel. What another is up to is NOT your business, period. So stay out of it. Even if they are screaming negatives about your person and or your family. They have lost their mind, even if the words heard are painful, step away, change the channel; log off. I am not a fan of attackers and I can confess I have attacked many a poor soul in my history and I feel remorse, genuine pain for stepping out of my circle of influence and projecting my story onto innocent people confused that what they do affects me. Oh sure someone can alter your future by say; not hiring you. Still it's really your job or our job to decide how we use the information. How it impacts us. I have a long standing argument with a very close friend who makes it her business to find fault and personal attack and deficiency in everything. I am certain nothing is further from fact. No matter how diabolical a person is they don't have the power to affect us UNLESS we say YES to it. In other words I decide if your actions will impact my NOW. Okay apologies for sounding abstract, but it holds, my decision to let your actions affect me are MINE, not yours. To the person who wrote to me (on FB) this morning complaining about another friend we have on FB It isn't possible for them to truly hurt you UNLESS you let them. They are out of their business when they attack you. Just like you are out of yours when you let their attack affect you.

So my advice is stay home and be happier in general. My job isn't to police people on my FB page I try but I make mistakes or miss stuff. If a person can't control themselves and it bugs you ignore it and move on.

I do...it saves me years of unnecessary grief.

Stay in your business and love yourself up. It's fun and it's magic.
Happy new year may you never forget this simple truth.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Spontaneous bliss

Good morning! I woke up clear and full with understanding that if we stop and appreciate everything exactly as it is in our experience this very instance we immediately receive JOY. Right where you are , right here and now is perfectly on schedule in the broader picture of your special life. The voices that tell us otherwise are usually connected to a part of our psyche that is unsatisfied and competitive and unhappy. Honestly no matter what you may "think" you need to have accomplished by now and haven't doesn't account for the fun you may or may not known you were having getting to the goal. How many times have we heard heroic stories of misery and escape (Mandela) or ultimate triumphant and every single aspect of their stories has a detail we tend to over look which is the "journey" the long hard well fought journey. THAT is the triumph...the real end result. As we struggle with ourselves to learn a very hard lesson (true self love) we discover if we are lucky that the fight or struggle starts with wrestling our own inner voices that shut us down, beat us up and pulverize our experiences. We do have to be diligent with that ego centric tyrant and we have to enjoy the moments, here now. It is in these micro moments that we live. None of us is encouraged to take the time to say thank you. So I am asking that today regardless of the outward possible "facts" (lack of everything you want) enjoy your life fully. Enjoy everything and be grateful and I mean LOVE it up.

This week is really about love...at least in my book. Love of the Christ within each of us. To borrow from the idea of it, Christ being love of what is.

... We are it!

Always, Merry Christ Consciousness!

Sunday, December 20, 2009


Recently I was invited to sign autographs at Comic Con in Michigan and I was paranoid it was a set up from the dark and evil prince of Blackwater, and that he was setting me up to be killed mysteriously in some freak accident driving to or from the arena. Meanwhile I do know I am not that important and my little writing that I do online although at times potent doesn't alter policy. Still I am scared of them.
I got worried and a bit paranoid because I honestly believe we are under siege in America from a rather sinister group of bible thumpers cloaked in
banal propaganda who have no idea how dark and malicious their beliefs are or how their need to promote and force the rest of us to toe the Neo-conservative Christian line is fascist. It chills me to the bone.

There are many educated people crying out the warning but so many of us are not listening and it is serious. There are millions of Christians in America who are tithing to crazy cults in the name of Jesus. I for one think Religion and Politics make strange bedfellows and we should be vigilant instead most of us are slackers. We are not awake or concerned so here I am once again saying wake up and start getting smarter so at least if shit gets weird you will know where to go and what to do and who to side with. The average person has no idea what is happening in America or that these organizations have simple pro life names like "Americans for family values" cults all...and the Neocon right has loudly distracted the simple minded masses (Fox news, Glen ,Rush) who want to be afraid of the Liberals (Obama) when in fact the liberals don't have an Army for hire, we don't have Blackwater at our beck and call, obviously. Actually these same weirdo's are trying to make the actual Army super church Christian, they are offering program in Muslim countries (Iraq) to encourage the actual US Army personnel to pass out the bible. That Naomi Wolf who is one of the voices screeching to the people about the soon to be loss of our freedom here at home from "Them" she unfortunately sounds like a kook at times and extra paranoid and I know I am close (sounding crazy) writing this today. Unfortunately Ms. Wolf is spot on and generous for warning us we are being attacked from within from the corn fields and fly over states of America our choice to be who we are...if we are not smarter we are close to Marshall Law. Folks I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I beg you to investigate and be informed. Read everything you can about these groups. I may be silly to think I am a target? Yet it takes one voice to cause a tipping point reaction. One action to begin a chain of events. If these American who are claiming to restore us back to the values of the 1950's were truly intelligent they would see that we need to move forward and to integrate what works best and to allow freedom of beliefs and speech. Yet if we listen closely we can see that it's these freedoms (Gay marriage for one) that are being challenged in a more sinister and far reaching way. When will they stop?

I don't think I will be going to Comic Con because I am little worried about them.

Call me crazy.

Thursday, December 17, 2009


Okay; it's the holidays and we don't celebrate it. It makes us sad because it feels like a tradition with no basis. I am certain if each of us really examined Christmas it is about the decorations and the feasting and the gift giving and the collection of loot and our place in the tribal pecking order. As a young woman I had a pretty cool collection of decorations for the tree that were pinched by my housekeeper who now that I have had a couple of decades to forgive her, I think she needed them. She needed a big part of me. I now see the brilliance of the theft. Of course it killed Christmas for me right then and there. All the fuss. Lately though the sweetest people who can't help themselves have given us gifts. I stress constantly that we ignore Christmas but folks can't believe it or me. I accept their tokens of love and I feel fine no guilt for not reciprocating although everyone is obsessed with that horrible gift game "Yankee Swap" which I call take back and hurt people with it. I HATE,HATE,HATE the game...it is like watching those competitive shows where someone loses and everyone is made fun of. Idol, Amazing Race and every Dance show. Pain television and we are obsessed. So it doesn't surprise me that people get a kick out of the take back Yankee swap game. Vile and mean. In essence Christmas is the mean season where nothing but drama and pain abound. Where we spend it, with whom and what we get or don't get and the partying which wreaks havoc on my waist line. I can tell you. I can't say no to some of the goodies and inevitably I have just gotten off a court and am famished and lo and behold I have consumed way to many dense holiday calories...oooohhhhh no! Plus my wine LOVE red bring it on. Except when I wake up at 3 in the morning parched thinking "did I have to have that much wine?" No, I did not, but I do...man it's hard out here in Christmas land for a woman.

If this holiday season doesn't kill me, next year I may get with it and decorate our space or start back with the Christmas decoration collection. I saw a couple tree onrnaments I fancied. Oh and the spirit of giving is best when we donate to a cause whether it's a school in Haiti where we are sponsoring someone or local charity for women and Children.

... I am always up for that.

The loot is nice but not necessary and the food...I have to say I could do without all of it.

I do like the need to smile and share love which makes it groovier.

That's just it!

... Christmas for me needs more rhythm.

More swing, less food, more love and fellowship.

Christmas could be wonderful.

Monday, December 14, 2009


Last year I wrote a spec pilot and this year I want to see it made.
I am longing to get something made or back on television.
We need more women in leadership roles and more people of color on TV.


I am going to be bold and go out on a limb here and say race relations have worsened
with our beloved President in office the first African American I notice a bigger awareness or measurement of content in regards to race. I notice a tightening of the wagons in media.
I notice more articles in the press about this division and about the races in general.
Plus the sinister subject of white dominance and the question of whether white is dominant?It is still the dominant race especially in finance, maybe not in numbers globally still the power positions in the west are still held by non-ethnics.

White is still king and it makes me sad nonetheless that the yard stick is OUT and we are in a race of some sort. I was sad when Sherry Shepard was exposed as being so stupid years ago when she wasn't sure if the world was flat. She said as much on her show The View. It pained me because I feel the establishment doesn't want to show people of color with brains and moderate behaviors. It is skewed toward extreme and embarrassing stuff. I wouldn't feel so sensitive about it if we were represented better. We do have a smart handsome charmer in the White house but can we have a few representatives on television in media too? In Films that make us proud? Please?

It's hard when there is only that side of the African American experience being highlighted in media. The loud brash and stupid.

A reader of my blog wondered if media has become pro war. Maybe to justify our continuing presence in both Iraq and Afghanistan. Maybe...I notice we will support our government that way so yes. We are a war mongering country. Wow, for some reason I never imagined America as such, I know how can I forget Vietnam.

Back to race in American media. Tiger woods has many people laying in wait to tear him down. I am sad because his timing could not have been worse. It seems we are under attack racially that media is dying to show our inferiority and worse. We are human and there isn't a perfect race or perfect person alive on planet earth.

Although Tiger was close...shame on us for falling for it.

The thought that someone like Sarah Palin could sell 400,000 books. This country has lost it's mind. Where on planet earth except in America could a pretty face with a hunting rifle do so well? Okay I pick on hunters and I think hunting isn't bad in fact I appreciate the nature conservation that hunters helped bring to America. It isn't bad to hunt its human nature to do;hunt it's our nature. I do think it is bad to be dumb and I think Sarah Palin is a dumb ass and if she is even remotely successful as a candidate (2012) then look forward to more Obama.
You tea party, birthers.
I wish there wasn't a tit for tat competition of who is better racially.
Then again it would NOT be planet earth I suppose. I am just itching for us to be judged on character and smarts and kindness not the color of our skin.

It's christmess and I can wish can't I?
We love a good fight don't we?

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Our Path

Reading one of my Google widgets which informs me whenever somewhere on the web something is printed about me. Most of the time it's pretty cool and positive sometimes it's rather scathing and in this case brutal. It was regarding a syndrome a "where are they now" syndrome. It used to be called the Shelly long syndrome but now it's become the RDC syndrome. Ouch...It serves me right for being vain and keeping tabs. I heard or read that Kevin Bacon uses this handy widget so I am in good company. Now I didn't feel as bad as I could have or would have maybe ten years ago. I mean I am way off the grid and living a life and no longer grinding the offices of casting people. I kind of like it...no I lie I am loving it. This life has perks that that other life didn't. One of the things we miss as real citizens of the world is maybe the big hoopla that goes with working in films and T.V. the money is very sweet when it comes. Otherwise I am a clam that is happy here in the real world with you. Still I have dreams of seeing my work my writing produced and getting a chance to direct again and again and maybe act occasionally and who knows? Yet this exile could very well be that, the end of that life for me. I will never do it (act) again. So how do I feel about it? I feel like a lover of reality and if that is my reality then I welcome it with a huge grin and open arms. How famous does want need to be? Mind you being reduced to a syndrome is a wee bit hurtful...do I make them itch? Sheesh, next life I promise to be quieter and less needy for attention. Okay that is the gist of it. I was as a child desperate for love and found the attention I got from performing a welcome solution to unmet needs. Until I got healthier in the late 80's and early nineties and stopped needing that kind of love. So that is my deal. I got healthy and shifted and maybe it all coincided with my losing interest in the Hollywood machinery and honestly my time had come and passed these things happen. I reckon it happens over and over again we get to recreate ourselves no matter whether it's in Hollywood or somewhere in Iowa we get to reinvent our lives. So here it is today a reinvention of sorts. I am constantly being asked to write a book (not by publishers) but by friends here and fans on FB. I need guidance, plus I am a wee bit stuck about what to write about. I could take a few routes I suppose and be helpful and funny or deliriously self absorbed like this blog is starting to feel. Apologies to my friends here...I am in recovery for being outed as a "syndrome" never easy this name calling no matter what YOU say. Okay so I need to get off my butt and do this thing write a proper book, only what is proper and what could I possibly have to say?

I don't know.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


America is in kindergarten when it comes to sexuality. There is so much judgement and distortion about the creative urge. I find the fascination with Tiger Woods sexuality very boring and sad and typical. Gee a wealthy superstar can't keep his extracurricular dalliances in check. What a shock. He marries impulsively and now finds himself in a scandal of his own making and we are supposed to be shocked. It's like asking a chronic over eater to a food show and asking them not to taste anything. He is gorgeous and rich and everyone wants a taste literally. He is human. Only in America can we hang someone for their sexuality. Okay I am not for deviant sexuality personally but for people who get a kick our of say fetish or what have you and as long as children and animals are out of the mix I say BRAVO! Go for it...the concept of infidelity or say Monogamy is forced and unnatural. Oh sure I follow this monogamous thing because it makes my lover happy and I find it is a bit more peaceful. I can't seem to handle more then one lover at a time without causing everyone pain. I wish in a perfect world this didn't have to cause so much grief. I know for fact it is scientific that women want new lovers every few years or so...it's nature/biology making sure we don't put all our eggs in one basket. Still in modern society we are forced to follow rules and these rules are all about monogamy. My BF is adamant about it and so far it isn't too difficult yet I wonder how normal it is and why the French seem to have it so right. A lover can give a woman a pip in her step. It can make the dull seem glorious , the old seem new...here in America we shudder at excitement we judge as horrible the dangerous and we shun passion as out of control. Too bad and is it any wonder we are FAT asses?

In America we are eating and they say eating is a substitute for unmet needs. I just wonder if we had more honesty around our sexuality and if we weren't so judgemental about our lives and our relationships and if we didn't stay in dead end relationships because we are afraid of what people will think or what our families will think? Would we be a better world? Would be be kinder to ourselves and others? I am not saying go wild and screw everything in sight, no. I am all about balance. Imagine a world where we stayed out of each others business where it wasn't a judgement thing, where we just honored our privacy and we didn't confuse love with ownership? Marriage with property? I don't think Tiger was right to have so many sloppy dalliances, girls lying around just itching to go public. He obviously wants out of his marriage. I just think he shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. He should have made the right decision and stayed a bachelor.

It's his business and he's a public figure but there isn't one famous man in sports or Hollywood or Politics who hasn't "THOUGHT" about it let alone who hasn't acted on it! We lie. So who will ever know. I know that some very prominent long time married men in Hollywood who are the first to throw stones and judge and who are also racist (against non African Americans) have snuck around behind their spouses backs and dipped in places they probably shouldn't have with non ethnic woman too, only they didn't get caught YET. These big mouthed superstars are hypocrites, sleazy horrible cowards, the worst. Why? Because they don't man up and be who they are and they pretend to be all about purity of the race and other horse shit. Pretenders, all the while the prey on production PA's and starlets. Pretending to be happily married it's fascinating, why?

Why ask why? Ask how can we find peace so people don't have to be "Down Low". So Men can be men and woman can be woman without so much pain.

Imagine if people were up front and honest about their sexuality?
It would save alot of us a lot of heart ache.

... and surprise?

The world would be a happier more fulfilled place.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Are we there yet?

Recently I was asked to read an article about the negative impact movies like Precious and (Color Purple) have on the community (African American) and the fallout culturally. I handed the article to my family especially my beloved man Nathan who was offended by the writer stating that we as a community don't need to see this aspect of African American life. That that story line of African American
man as enemy is over played. This writer says no more! It's a conspiracy. My boyfriend says that isn't real life and we shoudl be able to see all aspects of life not just the triumphant stories. He isn't African American so he doesn't have the wound and so he can't speak from "that place".

There is a wound.

The article has issue with the stereo type of Black man as perpetrator -rapist -incestor. I can understand the beef. I was in both The Color Purple and Soul man another divisive film that created a dialogue as it languished in theatres not doing the business it could have or should have because it too offended "the wounded" still at the end of the day it was a delightful film. Still it offended Spike Lee and he has a big platform (especially back then) and he hurt the film. It is THE WOUND speaking and there is nothing we can do about IT! I am sad about one thing though...Hollywood is fragile it is filled to the brim with people who are not creative yet are deft politicians who are expert at getting hired and promoted but lame at being creative and risky. In fact the brave soul who can greenlight a fresh idea is in Paris or England somewhere else. He or she isn't in Hollywood. It is the land of mediocrity. The thesis basically says that there is a subconscious need to keep us down. I have to say it is a slippery slope because if you look at the vast wasteland of media offering in regards to level or diverse programming with regards to African Americans well it's a sad pitiful lack there of. Nothing but Ghetto level obnoxious representation excepting reruns of "Girlfriends" and maybe "The Cosby show " and this doesn't include Oprah or Tyra because that isn't drama. So it is understandable that some people feel there is a conspiracy to badly represent us...in Media. I am not so sure. I just think people who have the ability to green light projects go with what they think they know and what they feel has less risk. 99.9% of the time it's white guy product. Meaning written and sourced from a guy or woman who isn't ethnic starring non ethnic people. So the argument isn't sound. It is subconscious because decisions are made in Hollywood from FEAR. The need to keep things status quo. I mean we should be cautious of some news outlets (Fox) and or corporate giants and their biased politics ie;Rupert Murdock. Unless Doug Coe or Mr. Dobson take over someone like John Malone so far okay. Still it's a white mans world and I am thinking it is easy to see how films like "Precious" feed awkward negative stereotypes in a time where things are just starting to really look up for us in African American America. Got that? Honestly I agree that Tyler Perry is guilty of "Coonery" or that Oprah has issues regarding what she likes (herself) and what she doesn't like (pretty women and Black men)still it's their domain and they can do what they want and we who don't have their clout should sit back and appreciate what they do and try to create our own kingdoms. I am not a fan of spike Lee the man but I love his directing I think he is talented. I am not a fan of Lee Daniels but Precious is very well made. It would not be my idea for a film but do I think we shouldn't have tough stories told about us? No...I think we can handle it. I just wish the field where more level. If there was at least two or three other films or television shows that showed a successful kind and balanced view of Black America I think the nerves would calm down,the wound would begin to recede into the shadows. But it is not the case and here we are looking at 2010 and nothing on network television or in the cinema's shows people of color triumphing without the help of someone who isn't white. The big film "Blindside" which I loved is a man being helped by a white woman who is the more powerful one in this mix. That he is sexless helps the film sell tickets. So it is a sad situation that men (of ethnicity)are OKAY in mainstream media as long as a white person is helping them succeed and they have no sexuality. This is harsh and this is the message.

I want a world where we can have many differing representations of color in media. Where it is a vast cornucopia of wealth in story lines and textures and color instead of a small niche of the same O ghetto fabulous rap music inspired saga's.

Still its' better then nothing.

So it means a black man in a fat suit playing a woman who eats chicken all day and screams at everybody who ends up in prison? It's better then nothing.

Precious is a well crafted story yet the real story here is that we need more...a lot more.

Otherwise we are not "there" yet! We have not arrived,truly.

Monday, December 7, 2009


Intimacy is a word like love that is bandied around and yet I doubt we really know it's true meaning. Another thing I wonder about the "I" word or intimacy is do we really experience it or allow ourselves to get intimate say with ourselves first before say our spouses? I find I am very intimate with my longtime BF F's there is something so safe about being close and intimate with someone who doesn't see me naked regularly. Isn't that silly? The idea of getting emotionally close to my partner at times sound wonderful and other times horrible. I want myself for myself or I worry I will get lost in him. I am so new at this yet I know I crave intimacy like air...we all do. It scares us and yet it is the elixir of life for us all. Still we need classes in the how to of intimacy starting in kindergarten. listening to NPR this morning they discussed marriage and the intimacy equation and lo and behold it is an issue that is universal we have varying levels of it and we are frightened and maybe rightly so of it, intimacy. I also think people think they are being intimate when it fact they are not. They are faking it.

Oh I am not an expert here in fact I am a beginner big time and my baby steps are more often tumbles or head plants. I live with a man and I love him enough but I can honestly say at times I wonder aloud "Who is this guy?" and I am certain he feels exactly the same about me.

Maybe we have it wrong maybe we are right and intimacy is possibly over rated or impossible.


Saturday, December 5, 2009

Entertain me...

We went to the movies last night and watched "Precious" I think it is very well done, everything was spot on. I felt for everyone and was perfectly "molested" by the horrendous tale. I am not certain I would call it entertainment and yet I am so happy that her story was and is being witnessed by many. It will hopefully give people pause before they judge those of us who are "large" and dealing with so many pressures like sexual abuse or any abuse and homelessness. I do want us as a species to be kinder. Still I am not certain we were up for the onslaught and I was devastated by the story absolutely wrecked, tears were on my cheeks the whole way through. Go see it but be prepared. I am glad we watched it in a theatre because I know I would have turned it off at home. I am a wimp, my heart is on my sleeves. Still I like to be entertained. I watched "district 9 and fell in love with it, what a masterpiece. I have nothing but pure respect for the film makers. That is also one of the things about Precious. The Director, I met years ago, Lee Daniels and like his movie I found him very, very creepy. I know people are just doing the best they can in their situations. He is a deeply talented man...and creepy. Ha...I am so bad. I should be so lucky to work with him. It's been a while. I need to stop now and appreciate deeply gifted people and movies like Precious which serve a higher purpose. They make us feel and know the forgotten and that is mighty important.
We must care and be concerned for our sisters and brothers in need because there is no difference between us. Barely any...So please go see this movie and do a good deed for the day and if you want to watch a strange but powerful love story see "District 9" as well. It rocks.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Feminine Protection

As a young child growing up the big box of Kotex under our bathroom sink was a terrible scary thing. I dreaded the day when I would have to tackle anything that remotely looked like the mega mattresses called "kotex" and I certainly didn't want to ever NEED those horrid looking long tailed monstrosities. There was nothing but fear and panic that one day those hideous things would be on my body attached with a nasty looking belt that didn't have one good thing going for it. Oh my goodness did that box make me dread maturity. Funnily enough I never had to go there. By the time I grew up and started my flow I was of the age of Obi or Tampax and it wasn't so scary. I tell you the shrinking of "The pad" was and is one of the most important discoveries for us women. It may be too gross for most to imagine but our early sexuality was greatly impacted by how we were approached and educated about "Aunt Flow". It wasn't a pretty tea and crumpets "Menarche" party for me and my sister, no way, never happened we were pretty much on our own. I got my first period at Barbra Streisand's house in Malibu. I kid you not. I was 11 and I was wearing white ditto jeans, skin tight. I was with my friend Tatum o Neal and her dad Ryan. We were there for something or other Babs and Ryan being old chums and all. I looked down at my pants and saw blood everywhere. Oh I guessed immediately what was going on with me I was mortified. I was at "her " house, and she wasn't the warmest women I have ever met. So I kept my mouth shut and my legs closed and I wrapped my sweater around myself and tried to figure out how to sit or not sit in the back seat with the gorgeous white leather interior of Ryan O' Neal's Bentley. I stood sat so I didn't get my blood on it. I was so stressed that I did not enjoy meeting Babs for the first time come to think of it ever she's just not so nice. It was a serious trauma my first moment of being a woman. UGH...This memory was sparked by a group discussion yesterday about the hideous big box of Kotex that almost every household had. How that box freaked out all of us as young women. How the thought of using one of those contraptions almost made us want to never grow up. It did me. Oh I am so pleased all of this is different for girls today and there are lovely things called Menarche celebrations and Dads are part of it too.
Ahhh progress, just in time.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


What makes a bully? Usually it is a horrible embarrassment that creates a defense system that is a cover up reaction to and of a much greater (to the victim) hurt. So this new identity this bigger and meaner persona is formed to deflect and protect. It creates the very thing they think (as bully) they need, protection. Yet it prevents connection and joy and love to enter as well. So the flaw in this response to pain and hurt and shame is in the long run a very bad idea. Counterproductive to every human need or I should say the one thing that sustains life, LOVE. It is almost impossible to live without some form of energy and it is completely impossible to flourish for a long time without a positive life force. In other words people (Dick Cheney for one) can be evil and selfish and demented for a while maybe decades but somewhere they will implode and become diseased. It isn't a judgement it is a metaphysical LAW. There is one force and the only difference is whether is is for good or bad....and if the focus in our individual life is from a negative place or anti love then eventually we lose, we die...alone a festering,sad,scared death. On the other hand if we live to love and share and are joyous and generous with that joy we tend to blossom like flowers and the sunlight that radiates out of our hearts heals and promotes more of the same. In other words love is compounded. Well nothing could be more fun and gorgeous to live in. The bully is a cut off the happy beam person who has made a choice.
Now where I live we have a bully and she has made a lot of enemies. I was one of the few that felt sort of immune to it until I wasn't. Now I know as an adult that she is a wreck of a person and no one can hurt me unless I allow them to but it has been fascinating to experience a bully and their antics. It is almost like being on the playground again. This time I don't have to take it and (didn't) and yet it's fascinating to see that mechanism still very much in use to mask the obvious, pain.

Oh well...It is not my job to try and transform anyone. In fact I am not convinced anyone is needing anything but what they are experiencing now.

In other words I think it is NOT my job to help anyone, no one needs help. Unless someone asks for it I will assume regardless of what I think that they are loved and in the perfect place for them.

Me,I will be appreciating my joy, and generous heart and I will be confident they will eventually find their way.

We all do.

Monday, November 30, 2009

The broader perspective

My dear friend is in it with stress and worry and calm at moments too, his mother is sick, her kidneys have stopped doing their job. We are hopeful that she will clean up her blood and one day heal and no longer need dialysis. It isn't an easy road and my heart goes out to them. It did help inspire a thought about LIFE. I wish it were a simple topic but I will give it a try; The Broader perspective meaning what lies beyond our understanding about our individual lives. What it is that all of this means both to us as individuals and as a collective whole. What if we can't see everything we need to see in order to have complete understanding of say hardships. That everything is perfection and we are not ever in "the wrong place" and that we benefit from even the most unsavory of experiences because it is all designed to enhance our journey and help us help ourselves. Yet here now in this life we can only see a portion of what is going on or how it will benefit us. There is no way to push against this or prove it really. I think organized religion tries to form or shape or give an envelope to what could be "gods" work. Personally it isn't enough for me, I need more. I also want to understand an Omnipotent intelligence that is supreme. I want to understand how this being can allow say child abuse and every other crime against creatures in the entire Universe. Big subject this and I know there isn't an easy answer.

We have a whole slew of ideas and people with theories and of course none of them prove-able. So it once again leaves us with "faith' which to some of us is a dirty word. Okay, I try to wrap my understanding around say rape and torture of children (any rape or torture) but I cannot. I don't understand the act and I don't understand a GOD that allows this to occur. I can only allow an idea that maybe it has to do with a broader story a perspective that somehow benefits us. That something is bigger and more complicated then we could ever understand and the very acts that are unmentionable and yet happen to innocents and not so innocents that somehow there is a benefit. STILL...

I don't understand it and I can only breath in and out with some comfort "hopeful" that in fact we just don't get to know or see the bigger picture, the broader perspective and if we could we would see that EVERYTHING is a good thing for everyone it happens to. That we are not alone , that we are held in the highest place of love and respect. I know I may come off as a simpleton and maybe it is exactly what I am but I struggle with God as an omnipotent supreme being and all knowing who allows bad things to happen to us. I just don't get it...until I allow for knowing only a small portion of the story.

Then I think Ah, it's a question of perspective and our puny minds can't handle it,

... YET!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

The oppressed

It is old news how African Americans are oppressed on many levels and the white poor share many of the hardship so oppression really is color blind. Yet when you add up or tally many things that have occurred in this country over the last two hundred years against the African American it is pretty damning and I know everyone wants to move on yet it matters that people especially of color understand their history and know that our situation in this country isn't all self made. That in fact their are huge hurdles to over come that can be traced to a certain class of folks here that refuse to share a piece of the proverbial pie. I watched the movie "The Blind side" and appreciated they way it showed our ghetto projects how different the experience is on the two sides of town. Affluence and that...misery. It made me think what if the same abuses were given to the ruling elite class in this country no doubt many of them would be destitute and miserable living off of each other and amounting to little like it is for millions who live in the projects of this country. I think the socioeconomic differences in this country between the African American project dwellers/the poor and the ruling white elite can be traced to systemic racism that have occurred throughout the system and that our democracy although better then most countries has been skewed toward others getting the "job" as it were. The healing that needs to continue within our community is one of hope and love and self love...and of course never giving up. We can as group make this situation work in our favor. I suspect the need of one group to dominate everyone else is human nature. Yet something tells me it is coming time to level the field.

I just hope it isn't too awkward and that there isn't blood shed. I may be hopeful yet foolish.

I loved the movie "The Blind side" it seems to bridge understanding and show love and care for humanity. This is key because I still feel there are many people who are afraid of every African American and everyone of them judges us as the same and it's just not true.

Each of us are very very different and each of us has a story...that should be heard.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


Forgetting to be thankful is epidemic in my life. I can wake up and ruin a perfectly good day by being crabby and sad and crazed about nothing of importance. Oh I know we need to be appreciative to be in the "allowing mode" as Abraham says or any of the many "self help" dialogues we sometimes indulge in. Still this day we are celebrating is rugged and filled with hazards of emotional firestorms. I am appreciative of many things when I remember to be. It isn't easy and yet I do feel better when I can sit back and really feel love for everything good and bad and ugly and scary and painful. We have to find that balance and be as caring and happy about the rough patches we all have to endure. Not easy. Or the person who gets under our skin...and makes it crawl. Funny but that person is our teacher in the most holiest of ways. They say turn the other cheek when in fact we should face integrate into what makes us uncomfortable.I know it is a tall order and Christ like and I have deep emotional resistances when it comes to loving someone or thing I judge as harsh ,horrid or evil...still we are to be thankful of those people , places and things that move us into the next level of understanding and experience.

I am deeply grateful for every rejection and failure because this is when I have found my wings and felt my own strength. Not when everyone wants to be my friend or carry me or help me...or give me my dreams. No it's in the gutter face down with crap on me that I get the best blessings.

Be afraid of losing everything, be very afraid because what we find when we really plunge the depths of our experience is Love. The deepest recognition of love.

When we clutch onto our comforts; we are in for it...when we fear the unknown; we are in for it. When we judge ourselves as harshly as we judge our neighbors; and we do, we are in for it.

This is the seat I paid for, this my life. I asked for all of it, in every sense of the word.

I do forget that fact and when I forget? I want to sit back and separate myself from LOVE.

Until I remember(again) my gratitude and then that leads me home to LOVE of all of THIS.

It is perfection your life, our lives.

Only Always.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Maybe less is more

I was watching a very famous actor on a talk show and I decided he was a lot less sexy when he spoke. I even met this guy once and he seemed okay, sexy in person but watching him speak and feeling his "vibe" I think he is less "that guy" of my fantasy. Ahhhh fantasy we all have them. I was a rabid Jackson 5 fan till I wasn't. I wanted to marry MJ, until the boy thing, so by then I didn't. I had grown up. When I was 9..I was in puppy love with Priscillio Obliglacio (a boy) from the Philippines who was gorgeous and looked exactly like Micheal. Well close enough, his mother wisely kept him away from me. He lived across the street on San Vicente Blvd in the rhythm section of L.A. a cluster of low income apartments that had the most beautiful palm trees that lined the street. If you didn't look too closely it looked almost tropical and higher rent then it actually was. Coming from Detroit we thought we had arrived. It took a couple of years and a few weird experiences to realize we didn't live in anything close to paradise but then again anything was better then a Detroit ghetto. I didn't complain plus I was small and wild and having fun anyway. Kids can adjust to cement playgrounds and lack of toys or diversions. We made up games and played till the sun went down.

Still it is better to be more mysterious.I wish this actor had not gone on television he seemed dumpy and less cool. I wonder if he knows this? I have made the same mistakes gone on television and made an ass of myself. We forget,we lose ourselves. We get depressed and mistakenly go public with it. You who are not famous need to realize how lucky you are it is much easier to lose ones mind in private. We all need to let go once in a while and if you are in the show biz thing the studio forces you to go on shows to promote the films and what if you are having a low day or just not up to it. Well too bad...off you go.

I am not sure this actor realizes he is even low or weird. He just isn't as sexy in person.

I hate it when I lose my idols or my fantasies. I cherish my phantom paradise.
I look forward to get aways to the islands of my imagination.

Now I will have to lust after someone else?

What fun...

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


We have power, stored unleashed unbelievable power. Like that famous Nelson Mandela saying about "playing small" we are frightened by it. When some of us display it in public instantly we/they are separated and if it's a female they are scolded for it. If it is a male usually they are rewarded for their powerful display of manliness. Not fair but what is? Playing small shouldn't be acceptable and yet it is often times demanded of us. yet this nuclear strength our intrinsic divinity is formidable and if it isn't allowed out it will find an outlet and if it isn't productive this outlet bad things can happen. Most of us have no idea or concept of our inner powers and strengths we are not familiar nor do we imagine we could withstand the isolation or derision if we were to step into it and release and expose this power our greatness. We went to the movies last weekend and saw the MJ film "This is it" thoroughly enjoyed the first half and started to feel weird the second half. I was reminded of what I loved about him from the beginning his fantastic musicality. So musical, such talent and so professional. I think that directness does have a cost. It isn't free there will be consequences. Yet if it's true that Buddha lived for 80 years, there must be a way to balance greatness...This was a creature who channeled God force through song and dance, still he MJ, suffered. It is very difficult to look at him.

We celebrate pureness of force when we like the package. Whether it is in art a painting that moves us or song or movements on stage. This force is in all of us. When it doesn't get an outlet it implodes. We implode. I was glad to watch the movie and I am sad his life took a weird turn, then again why be sad? Still I have guilt as if my admiration helped facilitate his weirdness.

This is about our inner strength, it's developement and acceptance.

Power isn't acceptable in most social situations and yet we need it. We need to own our own inner force and learn to use it productively, not shy away from it. We need to facilitate situations where everyone especially young girls learn to use it. Imagine a world where children are not afraid of their inner strengths? Yes!
Where there isn't a code of outdated morality or images of femininity that hinder and hurt our individuality our hard earned awareness our strengths.

High heels/fashion/ body augmentations, binge/anorexia,cutting a toxic mix ready to express as mental illness.

Cultural expression or things designed to make us feel bad, throw us off balance.
Oh sure heels look good according to fashion but they are useless as far as function and like Chinese foot binding horrendous for the body.

Magazines celebrating eternal youth and extreme thinness as the ideal for all of us.

Question the need to be a "girl"...or girlie. High pitched voice and cutesy wootsey ness. Okay in a tween maybe but us, women? Yikes.

I am not saying we shouldn't be soft or gentle. That is absolutely acceptable.
I am just saying celebrate the Tigress too, because she will find a way to get out.
I am convinced this is a root cause of disease.

Suppressing our power.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

The walk about...

If drugs were decriminalized many people who are marginalized on the streets living in squalor would have an opportunity to get help or get shelter and safety and some much needed dignity. Why we care what people put in their bodies if they are adults and able to support their needs, I don't get it. Since we have such negativity attached to drugs and prostitution to get drugs we cut off a huge population and we separate ourselves from loved ones who are willing to live like this. I for one love my family.
How we treat our friend, family and loved ones who decide to brave the depths of misery because drugs and the life of drugs is their preferred choice makes my heart break. I am not one to judge since we are all so close to the streets ourselves. How we as a society can call ourselves compassionate and Christian and yet marginalize an entire sector of our society shows just how far we need to go to advance to be truly Christian. Again I have said this before we could learn so much from the Dutch. Drugs aren't interesting when you can easily get them. Drinking loses it's luster because we notice it makes us fat and it is boring to be a drunk, in most cases. For our brothers and sisters who can't or don't have a shut off valve. In a perfect drug decriminalized society we could provide help, assistance from a clinic and/or programs based on compassionate care and these same folks who needed to plunge into hell for a spell (if drugs didn't have the criminal stigma) may when they regain balance be able to get back on the road to health and regain solid footing. BUT because we have made it a CRIME we separate these souls who are needing this sojourn. Yes we prevent them from ever getting back in the game because of what? Some outdated Christian value? Laws that are harsh if not not flagrantly designed to keep certain sectors of life in America down? Laws whose very foundation is set on sand. Cast the first stone those without sin. Everyone at one time or another loses their way it's part of the human experience. Sometimes some of us need to get down and low and dirty (dirty only because it's driven to the corners of society)...why can't we provide a safe CLEAN space for losing our minds without criminality?

It is a bother like Health care for everyone. I am not of the mind to try and convince people drugs are safe. They are not and they are harmful, yet does that make them criminal? Does making them illegal take away the problem? NO!

No , No, no.... it does not

We don't need these laws we need to decriminalize drugs, empty the prisons. We need to re-embrace our lost relations or at least help them, we need to regain our streets and our senses and to reclaim our lost souls, family in many cases, the people we have shunted down to the skid rows in every city.

I want to see the end of every skid row.

I want to see the end of the fear of addiction. I want to see understanding and empathy, patience and compassion and love toward the people we have "lost" to drugs.

If it were decriminalized our junkie relations would be able to maybe keep their jobs or get new ones. They would be cleaner and live more controlled lives while they deal with their choices. With the current laws they have to steal and lie and deal and other horrific things to get their drugs of choice.

I believe our collective societal resistance to not understanding addictions and the souls need to plunge the depths of the "dark side " or the "dark night of the soul" is ANTI- Christian. The true core or cause of addiction is our call or need for the God experience.

So in essence criminalization of illicit drugs is a way of saying no to the very God these so called laws are here to reflect.

Your soul, my soul needs what it needs and making it wrong or illegal will not make the need stop or stop the pain.

Until we understand what is underneath the needs and pains of our family and friends who are drug addicted we will never understand GOD Or Man...

It's all connected, so deal with it.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

When we are sad...

My first cousin Shannon lost her husband, Darryl Rozak. He died yesterday at 5:30 am EST. He had had a massive heart attack and never recovered. He was 45 years old a baby really when you think about when we die. My sweet cousin is in shock and grief, huge unthinkable pain and sadness. I know as a friend and as her cousin there is nothing I can say or do really to ease this pain. We are in it and it is...life. Driving home the sky seemed sore, where I live the sunset was astounding it was almost purple yet it was still an orange. I saw it as sore or sad. I didn't know him well but what I did get to meet was bubbly , sweet and so kind. He adored his family was a true salt of the earth man. He worked for the department of transportation, he was loved and admired and happy. So in effect he had a rich love filled life.

I know everyday every minute someone dies somewhere and often it isn't easy or a "nice death". So sad and so sudden...and lets face it we are never truly ready to lose anyone.

In fact it is the family who is left with out "him" in this case, that breaks my heart even more, his children and wife.

If we are lucky and or strong, we will recover, we carry on.

...It's tough to say goodbye.

We can't prepare for it...it's just sad. There are no words to ease this pain....none.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Death of a killer

They killed the DC sniper. I wrote about my encounter with them a while ago. I was lucky I didn't stop and talk to him. He wanted me too but he was wearing a flak jacket and way too many bullets and I got that feeling of "danger" from him. They were doing target practice behind my home in Blaine Washington. To come so close to a murdering man who was looking for women to kill that resembled me. I am so lucky and obviously it was not my time, yet. We all have a best before date stamped on our foreheads. We just hope and pray it isn't in a violent or say diseased prone way or painful. We all wish it were to happen during sleep when we are 120 years old. Or at least I do. I want to drift peacefully away or go in mid sentence. The way I can go on(I have so much to say) and on it most probably will be in mid sentence. I watched a clip of his ex-wife whom he dedicated his rampage to. He was killing the world as a symbol of his hatred for her. In a way he succeeded because she will always be thought of as the intended target and her children are now children of a serial killer. Tainted goods. I feel horrible for the victims who were at the wrong place at the wrong time and I pray to never have to deal with that trauma. Still he, the killer was a sick man undiagnosed. I suspect it was schizophrenia, so sad and harsh. I realize I first blogged about the desperate need of our societies world wide to respect psychology as a medical scientific fact and for every culture to provide help for those suffering from mental health issues, to be able to get assistance free of charge.

We are a species under siege. Psychologically under duress and we have not provided a safe haven to heal or an easy place to get help and it is costing us lives.

The massacre at Ft. Hood is another example.

No respect for the importance of mental health awareness and we suffer. Will suffer for a long long time until we admit that there is a need here.
Imagine if the DC killer had been medicated and maybe committed to an institution for the insane? Then maybe those people would be alive today.

Our overwhelmed military needs to help in this. I know that is a tall order instead of accepting theses disturbed people we need to help them. I know I am speaking of a world that doesn't exist. The military is desperate for bodies, sacrificial lambs to dispose of in senseless wars, who am I fooling?

Sad day for the victims; sad day for for everyone touched by mental illness.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


Recently someone was after me because I was late or hadn't added a new post. The thing is I am on the fence about what to do. It isn't too difficult to come up with topic but I do find my time filled up with other work things. Which is good. I am trying to write a book and it takes time also I feel sort of torn about how much Blog time to invest. I am not sure about value or productivity here. Doesn't everything have to be productive? so far or so I have convinced myself I am not in it for something, yet because of that I can easily let a day or two slip by and not write anything.
Listen, it is a honor to write something and have one person respond let along more then that or I get the biggest thrill when someone says I saved their lives and it was because of something written by me. That is priceless. Nothing fills me more with a bigger sense of purpose. I am not a scholar or academic or anything high flown. I am human and sometimes I can turn a sentence or two. My father is after me to write something. Of course that just bugs me to no end...for reasons I will not get into.

Still this is me wobbling around here with this fantastic communication tool, not yet owning it.

Please bear with me...my soul, my experiences are here just itching to be shared and once I can get over my insecurities and neurosis I will appear or present material.

It is me, myself and I, that stand in my way...and I ask for patience please.

This woman is finding her footing.



Friday, November 6, 2009


Ah the delicate balance between leading and being a servant to a higher cause. Difficult and obviously not everyone is good at it. There are differing way to lead, some more effective then others. I personally like to have a leader, a captain, someone who is balanced and can guide me. Yet, I like to be a strong member of a team that in times of stress or need will allow me (if needed) to step up and lead. Temperamentally I don't have the patience to be a full time captain, or leader, too frank, too bossy. I can be quite cranky and emotional when I need to be calm. I am working on this flaw but it may not be mastered in this life time. So I never step up that way. Also I am not keen on transference. The passing on to me of every one's "stuff". It's bad enough being a celebrity. Where people gob on to you their ideals of perfection or in my case 'womanhood". It isn't very friendly and it makes for weird moments because no one not even Angelina Jolie can sustain your ideal of perfection. Not possible. No amount of physical or emotional or intellectual beauty will suffice. Perfection isn't a goal.

Still we do need to appreciate those who lead well.

Yes, we have had a few fantastic leaders in America's history. Today I think we have one currently in office, President Obama

I think Obama in spite of not attending to every one's needs is an amazing leader and I am happy he is our fearless leader.

The office of President and all of our governmental processes could use some work, some improvement, change campaign financing for instance. We have greatly improved things in Washington from the previous group who have mashed things up pretty bad giving our current President a TON of impossibles to overcome.

Okay that last bit may be too vague what are impossibles?

Health care (one pay), economic recovery, etc...tough stuff.

I know there are people who are personally ready to over throw him. who are so deeply offended by this African American liberal socialist. Thankfully these people are older and hopefully they will go away soon. We can't have everything...and I can live in a world that is tolerant of intolerance as long as they are not in office.

...That would be intolerable.

Thursday, November 5, 2009


When we play a tennis match I get pretty pumped up. Yes I do, in fact my biggest thing is calming down so I can be in the moment, so I can play my game. I fight like a warrior and enjoy the contest. It is in our DNA to do battle. I understand the fascination with guns and fighting and martial arts etc. It is a primal urge. I was watching a Vin Diesel film last night the second 'Riddick" I liked the production value, I thought it was high. The elemental character was also beautiful (the idea) the rest of the script seemed sort of far fetched and unfortunately not as organic as I would have liked. It made me appreciate the new Batman movies a lot. It shows how much work goes into making pretty starchy dialogue, moist and real. It wasn't the actors fault as much as the ear of the director. When you have a high effects film with enormous technical issues it is hard to keep track of the sentences being uttered. I know first hand. I am hoping to one day maybe work with Vin on something. I have a film for him that I wrote that I want him to star in. It's a hero's journey only it is a real human being from Earth. It must be a challenge to be a stud in films. I know it is very challenging for woman to be "it" or "the girl". For men the same, stud muffins, beefcakers all that muscle and probably "roid" use. I am not saying Mr. V uses them. Yet I get why some do. It is a LOT of pressure to be cut and enormous.

Subtlety is tougher then it looks, it's subtle.

I love watching movies though, sometimes if the script is really singing and it just works I will not look or watch the movie, instead I will just listen to it.

"Adaptation" the movie is a script I can listen to, it has transcendence.

That's what moves me transcendental dialogue and real emotions and ease, no "acting" or "blacking" or whatever people do out there in Hollywood.

Subtle is good.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


Maine repealed gay marriage...sad Mainers. Ruled by the fundamentalists. Only a weirdo would be invested in stopping two people who love each other and want to take their love to the next level. Only some hopped up judgemental creep would care one way or another. People who are law abiding and tax responsible citizens should be allowed to marry whether same sex or what have you. No I am not for underage marriage. I think we should visit the idea that people need to pass a test, get a license to be allowed to have children. Too many have children that cannot raise them properly or safely. Some sadly motivated by a long list a reasons none of them wholesome. Why aren't they fighting for that? These moral a-holes? Oh I know it opens up the argument of rights, and such. We need a license to drive, give massages to people, to administer services etc...but if we want we can bring a defenseless infant into the world, regardless of economic or emotional,psychological preparedness or health, crazy.

These same christian moralists need to eradicate slavery world wide or child abuse and or crimes against woman and children here domestically instead of legislation to prevent adults from expressing their love.

What is wrong with this picture?

We have friends whose eldest daughter is mesmerised by her christian group. The Pastor sounds like a cult leader and from the stories of his elevated sense of character and his families, I reckon this is a cult. My heart goes out to them because when and if she survives this group she will be bruised and hurt.
We get suckered into cults because we want something. Usually it's God's love and a sense of belonging to something important.

I say practise love when ever and where ever we can and one of the first most Loving things we can do as a society is allow adults to marry in peace and with societal support regardless of sexual orientation.

My vote is in and I say allow gay marriage.

Monday, November 2, 2009


A big fire in a fireplace makes me smile and I must say is almost more welcoming then anything else. We entered my BF's family home last night where his Dad had made a fire. We instantly melted into the soft sofa happy. The cooler temps mean a lot to me. I love dressing for weather ,being in it and the colors smells and emotions. Oh sure some of the holiday drama I could do without but outside where it is obvious we are tumbling into winter I get happy excited.

No matter what happens with the President I read headlines that are negative and of course what this administration is doing we all know will never satisfy everyone , it's impossible. I have a Christmas wish of complete withdrawal from over "there" why that is wrong I still can't fathom.

I think everyone would benefit from the US pulling out of Iraq and Afghanistan. I think everyone one who is against it is entrenched in their thinking attachment to the idea of winning.

No one is winning anything any time soon.

Finally my lovely cousin's husband had a massive heart attack this weekend he is in the ICU. She is afraid and worried and there is nothing we can do except pray and trust and love them.

Who do I pray to and for what? I pray to the creative forces or energy that I want or hope exists outside of the little "I".

I ask for understanding and enlightenment, clarity of this frightening situation.

With all of my heart and soul I give thanks for all of the love that surrounds us.

Friday, October 30, 2009


I remember years ago 25 in fact we were prepared for the collapse of life in civilised America. It was going to be chaos...complete. It never happened and the soothsayers who predicted it were aids infected megalomaniacs charlatans who had young greedy models/actors and the like under their spell until we were not. In fact the head of this particular cult was so racist and strange when he eventually died of aids and God knows what else it occurred to me that I had lost my mind.

I asked myself "how did I let him get so close"? Well he offered me paradise and super powers,safety. All attractive nothing he was capable of giving. So when I came to months later alone in my new house I was so grateful that what was really, truly operating was my own greed. We can recover from THAT if we are lucky.

What was key to my recovery from this particular energetic vampire was my acknowledgement of my greed. My wanting to be a fierce ruling spiritual diva without the work, the commitment the BONA-FICATION. You aren't just dubbed a goddess we have to earn it! And I promise you the path is narrow and very long.

So my ass was kicked by the Eternal values cult,I fully deserved it!


I don't believe we will be destroyed but I do think life in America will change and morph,and become very different from the way it is now.

We must transition out of a"greedy me against you"mind set and become a community

Or we will suffer.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Questing for Godliness; an inside job.

When the news broke about the spiritual retreat gone haywire where people died in a sweat lodge ceremony my heart went out to everyone who suffered and to the leaders and to the human potential movement which will suffer a huge set back with this bit of drama. People died during what has been in my life a magnificent experience, a cleansing one. Although it can be pretty hot and brutal try having fake nails on in a sweat lodge "ouch" not a good idea... We as individuals have to take responsibility for our own individual spiritual paths even if Buddha himself is your guide, we must take the bull by the horns of our own journey and decide what is best for us. This is my problem with guru's of any stripe. They leave us powerless. No matter how much you want to give credit to something outside of us....be it Jesus or what have you it takes away a vital force. YOUR personal force or responsibility and power. I say be cautious in who you give your power to. Most people are not deserving. The kernel under all this giving up of common sense is desire for that magical thing called enlightenment. That desire to be "pure" what ever that means...the desire to rid one of either uncleanliness or guilt or wealth and good fortune. There are people who are guilty and feel undeserving of their wealth or trust funds and therefore are spending their lives trying to rid themselves of it. There are plenty of carpet bagging phonies who will gladly step in as GURU and take your money or what is your best, self empowerment. It's true "water seeks it's own level". We attract the quality of what is active inside ourselves. So if you are surrounded by charlatans somewhere inside you is the same vibration, Charlatan.

So as sad as I am for the deceased and the horrible state of things that night, I think these people gave this guy way too much power.

There isn't a human being on planet Earth that can bestow consciousness, enlightenment on us...It's an inside job.

Kill the Buddha it just might save your life!

Monday, October 26, 2009


lately I have been working out a couple of times a day. I train people and I walk my dogs for miles and play tennis on two teams. My body appreciates the exercise and seems to absorb it without too much fuss. I think we adapt quite quickly to what seems at first like a lot of stress but surprisingly soon becomes easier. I think it is the same in life in general we are calibrated to adapt and so must continue to find new ways of stressing our entire system. It's easy to forget when we are slammed with fatigue after a trying day full of stressful (mentally) things...but our bodies love the exercise, crave the movement and funnily enough does better at the end of a hard day with a little more blood flow to our muscles. All of it counter intuitive but true. I speak the truth. I come from a family where my father is obsessed with being skinny, not just healthy and fit but social X-ray slim. I have been that slim myself it was my age (young) and my constant movement. I do not remember sleeping or eating in my teens and twenties. No lie, I was always on the go! Now as we age life gets cosier and we have more appetite and way less movement. I know I have had a decade of sleeping in and moving, not so much. Today as an older sports enthusiast who is burning a lot of calories all day I can't imagine being still and lazy. If I have been good all week (clean eating) I can have a day of eating whatever I like. I LOVE to eat. I probably could be more successful as an actor if I would re-adopt the skinny aesthetic. I think it matters in television especially. I am not sure I want too. I like being strong and if it just happens naturally that I become slimmer because I am on the go? Then cool. Otherwise I am happy right here and now. I am fit and very robust maybe fat (in comparison to most stars television)crazy. 21% body fat still is fat in Hollywood. In my day to day life, I can go ,go, go...and never fatigue. I can press major weights and I am flexible and quick. So much so that playing a few hours of tennis I find is just an appetizer to a real workout. More mileage and more kettle swings? Bring it ON!

I was driving home from a session this morning and I was thinking about a discovery I had recently. I allowed myself to go/be hungry. I let my painful bubbly tummy sit with the discomfort. I noticed that my stomach shrank so that the next meal was smaller naturally. I come from so much pain as a child, lots of un-met needs that translated into eating so that when I let myself feel hunger I kind of panic.
I noticed when I panicked about being hungry and I sat with it with out judgement my body adapted. It became smaller naturally. Then I thought about super fit thin skinny people and I realized they have mastered the hunger. They have conquered that urge. They like it. There is positive pleasure of letting the body complain and controlling the eating urge.

I am getting it...that powerful self control.

Ahhhhh it's almost sexual, it's almost creative.

That is why so many super skinny people seem so smug. They have conquered the frightened child within who feels she will never get another meal and she will die.

Okay, I added this last part. But I think there is value in not acquiescing to hunger immediately and believe you me I am a complete beginner with this but I like that I found it.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Embassy's in Pakistan

Mr. President ...

Do not build a monstrosity like the horror embassy we had built in Iraq in Pakistan.

Please for the sake of sanity and our future.

Do not approve something so wrong and so obnoxious and decadent and unaffordable.


Saturday, October 24, 2009

Compassionate style

My son used to drive around his city in a very flashy car. I would be nervous about it since he lives in a city known for car jacking and with these economic times being what they are. I think it matters how flashy we are and what we present to the public. If we are lucky enough to have "bling" and we flaunt it personally I think we are asking for it. On the other hand, it is sad we don't get to flaunt our hard work or good fortune with cars and gems and sparkly things. These are very challenging times and it is irresponsible to be unaware and to show off our personal wealth. Compassion is over looked as a virtue, and it is a virture. I find it very attractive. I feel for all of us who are struggling in every way, deeply. Again wear the bling and drive the bling in private or in a gated community. The kind where you can drive from the mansion to the golf course in seconds (better yet ride a bike) expensive of course. That way it limits the exposure. Italy was a hot bed of kidnapping in the 70's everyone who remotely smelled of money was being held for ransom. Oh sure they were usually not harmed. Scared but not harmed. Of course, if the money was delivered. I remember as a kid being told never to wear jewels or flashy watches in Europe. It just wasn't done. The same in Rio in Brazil. I like the idea of being discreet. I come from the other side of that new money unbridled unmet needs etc...of course the real old money people in America don't reek of cash or anything new. They come from the school of trust funds and fiscal discretion in fact some of the shabbiest (worn out furniture) homes were on large acreage of the fantastically wealthy people. Go figure. I remember when I realized that to have real fortune one didn't have to show it. In fact the Nouveau riche were the tackiest with the latest and greatest most expensive stuff. Even today kids who come from abroad tend to down play their money, it's chic to pretend to be poor.


Some of us are forced to down size and scrimp and it isn't such a bad trait to learn this scrimping. My friend Micheal saved his show by being a scrimper.

I am jealous of that gift. I still feel slighted if I don't get exactly what I want when I want it...old wounds you know.

Although lately I have had to wait till it goes on sale.

Character building a sense of satisfaction, the waiting in and of itself. By the time I can afford to purchase the "item/s" I really know whether or not I want it or if it is just an emotional "need" and I lose interest.

Recessions are not all bad...it awakens us to SIMPLICITY.

Gorgeous simplicity.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


40 years is a long time to have a dictator. Listening to the experts as they discussed Franco and his hold on Spain impressed me. It helped me to understand the Spanish mind set better, they are proud and hard working people, very deep, rightfully so for having survived that horrible time. They have discovered the Poet Lorca's grave or so they think. Imagine being shot and killed for being an artist, a poet? It boggles my mind but then again anything is possible. We are in the midst of a correction of awareness in America. Where the unthinkable is thinkable. I am pleased that Rush was cock blocked when he tried to own a professional sports team although it would have been humorous to see him try and field the team with everyone but African Americans. I am certain it is a blessed period as well in spite of the hardships we are in/facing. This economy is forcing new modalities of living, the global climate crisis and energy reset. All of it is coming at us fast from all sides. Call it CHANGE.
Are we frightened yet, or excited? When I think about the micro needs of my life I notice my values have shifted. I think about how my wants or needs will impact my environment, not just my immediate family but my friends, and my community at home and globally. I am prepared to be responsible for all of my trash for instance. I want "in home" recycling done. If you buy it, you are responsible for it till you die. Boy would that change how we shop. I am for the greater good. Socratic thinking aside, I am for the larger picture since we are interconnected, everything. When I was working near the Amazon we had with us a naturalist, a botanist from Finland who informed me that in the jungle there is a cure for everything. That when nature is in balance she doesn't have a "problem" with mosquito's or pests. Because everything has something that keeps it's population in balance.

We have something or things that will and are keeping us in balance and this is good.

Call it disease or natural disasters or self inflicted wounds...something will create a correction.

So to really enjoy life we need to live in the moment/s.

It's time to include think about each other too.

Here, and NOW.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


Oh yes we can be better in every way. I guess in some ways being a loud squeaky wheel has it's moments but then immediately I thought of Byron Katie and she would say so much and yet so little. Mainly she would be pleased to being spared. NOt getting a show a part a lover a gig a job. We have been spared opened up allowed to do something else. My not working or getting "a Show" allows me to expand into this the viral world or better to grow intellectually and emotionally as an individual. Years ago at a Hollywood party a famous writer said I should write. It was a warning...I have never been one to listen to those people who tell me "it can't be done" but I do appreciate the realities of "what is reality" We are here and this is it...and it too will change, morph and differ...so relax and sparkle and just sharpen up and get better and better at what I love to do.

I love YOU, it keeps me alive and growing and going...just this.

In relationship; in community always.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Where are we?

Standing in front of the magazine section at my local market which I think has an impressive selection in terms of volume. Looking at it I would say there was maybe 150 titles. On two magazine covers there was a Latina (Vanity Fair with Penelope Cruz) and another magazine. There were three with African Americans on their covers. Distressingly one woman on (Oxygen) had blue contacts or very Anglo looking features so it was not really representing. She may naturally have that weird color blue as an eye shade but I think not. Also her other features didn't support the mutation. It is a mutation or genetic anomaly to have that color with that skin tone and that hair. A teen magazine had a child a young girl who was African American and then Oprah's mag. The rest were the same movie television people we have been seeing for the last five years and the rest...pretty bad representation. I didn't factor in the African American publications,in my area which is predominantly white New Hampshire,they don't order what probably would not sell. Why is everything separate? It doesn't challenge identity if one has a story about a person who happens to be Asian or Latino or African American in say Vanity Fair? Why Graydon Carter don't you feature more diverse stars on your covers?

Oh wait,there are not that many ethinic stars to grace your covers.


Why can't media be diverse?

I just auditioned for a small role in a small series for Canadian television and did not get the role.I was thrilled to audition. Whoo hoo... There were many factors as to why I didn't book the job, money (none) age (not old looking enough too glam) but what got me, what really bugged me, is why can't I have a show of my own? Here was an unknown woman with mediocre looks starring in a series about a spy. Nothing new and nothing spectacular but a network was giving her a shot? I am known and have chops and can carry my own against the best of them...Why am auditioning for 3rd lead role? I don't get it? The roles I have seen lately for my "Age" it's the typical BBW who is "The boss". I never get those parts. Honestly that's what is out there and it's so sad. Where are the series about being a congress woman , professors, senators, corporate owners and CEO's just to name a few roles that we woman of color and age do? Where are those stories? Hot sisters who are over forty who are so beautiful interesting and not in a rush to settle down? Where are those stories? The homemaker who is dealing with trying to further herself while juggling her family and it's pressures who is African American? Where is her story?
Personally I have two really good idea's for series, both are excellent. They are not too wild ,not too far fetched. Why aren't they being considered? I have had two series which did good numbers. I am famous. I look good for almost 50! So where is my pilot? It was a simple role the "administrator" what kills me after years of being in this business is that the face of smart strong and intelligent woman of color in lead roles is pretty much non existent. We take the lack of presence as normal because after 1995 it is. So for the last 12 years we have been systematically pushed back in terms of racial diversity in media to pre-1960's if not 1950's. No one is there fighting the good fight. These paid groups that are supposed to represent us and the issues are just that paid to keep quiet they are flaccid. I am on the front lines of this issue and it is a stinging almost soul killing battle or so it seems. I have met (Nina Tassler for one) smart intelligent and maybe socially segregated people meaning they don't know "us" in a relaxed or intimate way "Us" being African Americans who are educated and normal. These heads of networks refuse to budge and they warn producers off. Instead retreading the same 5 faces or their clones and the same retread stories. More Cop shows starring a lawyer who will moonlight as a nurse as she does double time as a CSI,or similar
shows and their clones. This is television today and the movies are no better. I have written about this ad nausea and I am sick of it. I am sad that I get excited at nearly fifty when a role that has some potential goes my way. I get sad when I realize that it wasn't always like this and there were more opportunities for woman of substance. I don't know about you but I like seeing woman of a certain vintage do stuff on screen I feel comfort and safety and I dig into my chair knowing that I am going to experience something interesting not some vacuous face that has no life in it where all I can think of is how pretty she is and how too old he is to be her love interest. It's gutting to think that only non ethnic people are interesting in media. I watched the Emmies this year and if you looked at the audience it was the opposite of diversity,it was a sea of white faces. Is this South Africa during Apartheid? It sure looks like it. I am sad about this, it isn't financial,it is a culture white wash and it is an ageist wash as well. We who don't have those hangups deserve better representation in all media and I for one think we need to be better organized as a group not just racially but age wise, we are boomers. We need to call for a ban on all media until the pre 1995 diversity laws are reinstated.
That is a start. Rupert Murdock be damned. It is time to force media to grow up and get smarter. They deserve the giant exodus main stream is doing as far as television goes...the paradigm has shifted and I for one want better programming that is reflective of life now in America. I know Madmen is a popular show but that was a dark period in an African Americans life and I for one am sad that it is on the air and although it is fair to have programming for the majority. I being the minority want equal time too. Especially as a performer. It isn't for lack of good or great
material its there. There are lots of well written stories out there dying to be bought and produced. No,this is pure segregation, racism and ageism. It is LACK of consciousness. Hollywood like the USDA with the entrenched buddy system is
shutting out people who are a success and smart and ethnic, performers like me.
I am not alone...there are a lot of us out there. Dying to play and share and communicate.
Instead if you are slightly inarticulate and crazy or wildly inappropriate or down right embarrassing and ethnic you can get a show...Wendy Williams, I love NY or even the housewives of Atlanta and Tyler Perry. Realistically they do not represent the entire spectrum of African American life!In fact it's a narrow spectrum almost singular. There is so much more to us as group. Imagine if rednecks where the only type being represented in media. Please!

I need support and solidarity here. Yes,it's time we do something that works and has effect. In the age of enlightenment which this time could be called if we work hard enough.
We need to crack open and demand a share of the opportunity for those of us of ethnicity and age in starring and substantive material. Why not?

It heals the world.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The trouble with faith

It is essential to have solace and find comfort and security in our personal beliefs. I just wish when we did find "truths" that made us comfortable and allowed a sense of balance that we didn't feel the need to spread the good word indiscriminately or maybe what I mean is, I wish we could be MORE discriminating when it came to believing what "others" say. I know when the money is short and the news is bad and our jobs are lost and health issues are up, we get frightened in that trapped animal way, this can be difficult. Almost impossible to disengage from as we assess what is a most beneficial way to move forward. It is difficult and scary, yet in our most fragile scared and desperate place we must maintain a vigilance and be very careful who we throw our lot in, with. Who we believe, what we are believing, and why. Be careful of what you sign up for. There are many(enough) wealthy men in America who have a very thinly veiled (Christian) ministry which is financed and promoted under "Family Christian values" and yet they are as bigoted and maniacal, as sinister as say "Stalin or Hitler". Blackwater and it's founders run several Christian organizations where many thousands of so called evangelicals take refuge and under all of the goodness is a scary sinister and I feel extreme racist agenda. The idea of America becoming a Blackwater run police state isn't as science fiction crazy as I once thought it. I was listening to NPR and an author by the name of Max Blumenthal has written a book about the Evangelical millionaire who runs a Christian family values ministry who bullies Washington politicians into his agenda whose Son owns and operates Blackwater. If this partnership isn't a scary red flag I don't know what is? Imagine it's racial or religious opposite? They would all be hauled off to Guantanamo as terrorists. But because they are not ethnic but white millionaires no one is really paying much attention certainly not the press, or not enough! I think the weakness of the intelligentsia is hubris and smugness and confidence. It is in not seeing the impossible as possible. There is a movement happening here in this country and it is domestic and it is as dangerous to our civil liberties as anything any red based political agenda ever was and that is unbridled Evangelical religious zealotry. We are under attack here at home and we need to be diligent when we choose a pastor or belief system to do our homework and really investigate what our place of worship is really about. Most people are good and honest and scared and simple. So easy targets. Nothing is more attractive then power and money coated with a serving of Jesus. The truth is...most of these men did not make their money from religion. They either inherited it or where successful men who converted after the fact. So the lie that finding religion will make you rich is just that a lie. Have faith for sure...take solace in what ever gives you the ability to sleep but know that there is a huge movement in this country that wants to take over our day to day living and demand that we follow their personal beliefs. I know that Homosexuality and the creation theory and abortion are hot button subjects but unless you understand and have experienced these things who are we to judge? Who are they to tell us it is wrong because they have interpreted some doctrine that was piece mealed assembled over 2000 years...it's plain stupid.

Be wary of these so called harmless groups. From this angle there is nothing harmless about America becoming an evangelical based country.

Hell on earth with a bunch of bad picnic food!

Monday, October 12, 2009

The Decider

Listening to the round table this weekend on George Stephanopoulis I was heartened. It seems that no matter what, our president would be criticized because the job of governance is enormous, nearly impossible to imagine doing. Yet say John McCain Sarah Palin had won and were the "Deciders" we would be in a much more tenuous place since it is a task much bigger then say ONE man or woman to do.I shudder to think would Sarah quit when the going got tough? Would John hide or ditch out of Air force one when the going got scary? Our president has it rough and yes it was good he won an award and a none too shabby one at that.There has to be some perks to doing this huge task. I think there is very little good going on in the White house. It seems that the decisions he has to make are beyond difficult with no clear way to go. If the decisions around Health care, (really single pay is not going to happen ) or the two wars (we can't pull out of both Afghanistan and Iraq) were all he had to think about I would be impressed but they are just two in a long list of issues. We have not had proper government for over 8 years. There are laws that were adjusted or changed that need to be reestablished not to mention the much needed over haul of campaign financing, such importance. I am keen to see how he handles everything and excited about it. Go ahead put him down, criticize the man and his administration but personally I thank the goddess for it being these folks in charge. Our president is an intelligent man who is famous for being a good listener. God forbid it could have been a man who ditched out of 5 fighter jets and was taken hostage and an ex-governor who charged rape victims for their rape kits, then quit mide term because she was tired. Not a good sign. There is no comparison between them and President Obama. We are a lucky country and shall remain so. Now if we can only discover why the banks got bailed out and yet continue to abuse us the customer.

What the hell?

Friday, October 9, 2009

Our Nobel prize winner

Leave it to our fair brethren in the far north of Europe (Sweden) to award this most coveted prize to our beloved and yes flawed but still stellar President, Obama. It is an honor that can't be put into words without tears welling up. I am so pleased at this acknowledgement as the scary rumblings of his demise are spoken of in various places country wide. This is a tenuous time in the world and we are so fortunate to have a good listener and an intelligent soul struggling with our problems. For every criticism there is love and glowing approval and today this prize says everything....Congratulations Mr. President you deserve this and more.


Wednesday, October 7, 2009

High holidays

Nothing is more exciting to me then fall. I live in an area where the color changes in the foliage make me feel as if I live in an impressionist painting. We can drive along rural roads and be blasted by colors and the shifting light as fall gives way to winter. Winter is my most favorite season for many reason (no bugs) this season allows for inner work because it is so cold and shut down so to speak. Plus the lack of sound. It's my favorite stillness just after a rocking huge snow storm. Last year when we were encased by massive ice storms the inconveniences were out weighed by the gorgeous almost sugar like coatings. Sure many beautiful trees died but in that there is renewal. Oh I wax poetic about the season and I do...It is awesome to have mother nature usher in our mood/s. This is when we celebrate each other and give thanksgiving. When we get to wear loads of makeup and outrageous costumes and for a night howl legally at the moon. It is the time of year where I like to clean house both outer and inner. Audit myself, start new programs , shake off the malaise of hot weather. This wasn't the summer we expected a bit wet and cold and buggy. Still it beats forest fires in smoggy and now extra smoky L.A. with her triple digit unmerciful heat. We in New England are blessed with an abundance atmospherically. I am certain some who are native can't appreciate it. Take it from a transplant we live in Paradise and there isn't a palm tree in sight!

Monday, October 5, 2009


Driving home from a family dinner exhausted (we had been up all night the night before) we had to attend a family dinner that day. We were desperately sleep deprived and cranky. My then Husband C-Thomas and I were arguing, I mean viciously. We were never meant to be a couple but we didn't have the smarts to know as much yet. It was after dinner around 8:00 as we were driving one of the smaller back of the Valley hwys coming into Santa Clarita. I could see Magic Mtn amusement park. To escape from whatever we were fighting about I was staring out the car window out toward the park and noticed a set of lights bobbing in the sky just over the big roller coaster. Now I am exhausted and more so because of the bickering but I swear I heard a voice or I sensed something say to me to keep looking at the lights. It almost said this but didn't quite say it, but I knew to "look left". At one point I said to Tommy did you hear that? He didn't hear anything. The lights were bobbing over the park and it seemed as if they wanted my attention. I had to keep watching them. It looked as if they were helicopters. Which struck me as odd since why were there two and what were they doing hovering over the park? We kept at each other as we got closer to our turn off which was a canyon rd. As we turned onto the now pitch dark road the moon wasn't visible, I heard that voice say to me "we are here". I said to Tommy again "did you hear THAT". He was getting annoyed and he said "What?".
I said "pull over, stop the truck and look over there" he did what I said. We pulled over and we both stared at nothing until two crafts slowly hovered over the small rise or mound of hill then floated or flew over the truck and stopped immediately above us, soundlessly. It was humming deep and sonorous but barely audible more vibrating. We were both shocked and scared and freaked out and wondering if this was a hallucination. Exactly like the movie "close encounters" except they didn't stay and they didn't make the truck do weird stuff and it was quiet except for light we could see a glow. Tommy opened his door and the lights came on inside the truck, which almost seemed like it made the two crafts shoot up into the sky.
Instantly they were gone. It was awesome. Earlier that week someone we knew saw weird lights in the Santa Monica bay and we were all very UFO centric thinking about them and wanting to see them and here they were so close. So we drove home and as we reached our street I could see further down the canyon other cars had stopped they had seen what we saw. I jumped out of the truck and looked at the sky...I felt like this was only the beginning. I even called my sister in Hollywood and told her to get her ass out here. That there were UFOs. Tommy parked our truck on a rise in front of our ranch and he started to flick the lights. I asked him what he was doing . He said he wanted to go with them. I didn't, I had a five year old and he was at a friends house and I couldn't leave him. I didn't have a problem with C. T. going, have at it I told him, not me. I went into the house and told our family Tommy's Mom and Dad who were reluctant to come out side, I begged them to watch the skies with us. Just as I was about to give up...they arrived. There were loads of them. You could look at the dark sky and then suddenly a strip of lights went on and then the craft would swoosh soundlessly over our heads. At one point we were all huddled in the drive way when one of the smalled crafts released two orbs. They sort of fell a bit which made us scatter then they hovered in position. Markers, as if they were traffic markers. Then from that point forward all sorts of craft would fly in formation using the two markers. At one point a big cigar shaped vessel stopped over our neighbors house, hovered you could see shapes in the port hole shaped windows. It was surreal it didn't move while craft were flying through the markers over out ranch. We had to get warmer clothing on it was December we had been watching this for a couple of hours and at one point we even took a shower because it was a long show and we were filthy. As we were showering we felt vibrations that shook the whole house. We missed the MOTHERSHIP. Meanwhile his mom and Dad gave up bored they said the wanted to go back inside to watch the Jeffersons. His dad Chris says that whatever this was wasn't our business and it was probably air force maneuvers. Yeah, right! My sister and her then Bf made it out and watched with us. It was amazing we were in down parka's with lawn chairs watching till the wee hours of the night. Then we got tired and the flight show dwindled down. My sister said they were followed home by a small ship that disappeared around Busch Gardens only it went down not up...in the sky. The next day we called newspapers, the Military, everywhere. No one reported anything and the Air force said nothing. There was no way they didn't have huge activity on Radar that night. We couldn't stop staring at the sky for years after that. I haven't seen anything like that since. I must say it was so amazing and clear and impressive and real...it happened and it lasted all night long. One thing I felt which may or may not be true. The craft seemed busy like they were doing some sort of research and it didn't have anything to do with us personally. We just happened to have property where they set up their markers or flight path. It would be extra special to say they were on to us.It wasn't like that. Oh and the voices or the sensing I "heard" it wasn't personal either. I felt like the voice or the warning was general. In fact I was a bit sad that we were not singled out, then again I wouldn't have gone had I had a choice. I don't like going places I can't find my way back home from. Call me Mongolian but Like Genghis Khan I can't travel unless I know I can hump back home safely.

That was my UFO story...I dedicate this to James Fox and his quest to get the US military to release any and all data concerning UFOs.

It is time.

Sunday, October 4, 2009


It seems that there is a slight disconnect when it comes to what is acceptable behavior. I am not just talking about the crazy anti Obama people who are spreading horrible lies about our beloved President. Lies which could get him hurt by some loony. I am talking about celebrity amnesia. I watched Mackenzie Phillips joking with Larry King yesterday which gave me the willies. I am not sure if she is telling the truth. I did personally watch her father steal money from her purse when he came into our room as we were sleeping.By the way we had seperate beds. I woke up and watched him take the cash. He was no doubt majorly creepy. I just don't know if she is telling the truth, there is a patina of creepiness in her behavior. I also witnessed first hand the loosey goosey sexuality of the seventies and can see why with the lack of morals of that time, people are not so upset about sodomizing a child. I do not agree with it and it pains me that no one has mentioned the child's mother in this. I mean parents pimp their babies out to Hollywood heavies everyday to get their children a career break. It's sad and sick! I don't think many in Hollywood agree with Polanski or his actions but there are details about his trial that are also a mess and complex. Still rape is rape, no matter how much time may give the impression of diluting it's seriousness. It's as heinous as murder. This playing the incest for book profit card, all of it creepy. The lies to incite racial violence. Violence against children, each other...what is going on?

I listened as someone asked a good question "why can't Iran have nukes"? In other words a lot of countries do. Isn't that racist or are some countries allowed because they agree with the west while others are not because they don't?

Isn't that underneath some of the hatred against America? Our self elected World policing policy?

There is a lack of self awareness here and it's frightening. You can't joke with Larry King as you are telling the World you had consensual sex with your Father.

You can't diminish sex with children because it happened thirty years ago.

You can't incite violence because you are afraid of Black people.

It's all indecent.