Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Vast landscapes and more

Seriously when I open up and write something heavy or I think it heavy like big topics such as divinity or what have you I feel fragile and exposed and a little boastful. Immediately I will be brought back to earth. I will get a comment saying something like "You're still hot" which I guess is a good thing to have someone think yet I have to laugh because ultimately that's what it boils down to here in our society, whether a chick is hot or not. Regardless of their intellectuality. I think it's society at its lowest denomination. I also think its sad. It doesn't surprise me that women lose their minds as we age as things start to morph into the next phase of life. Where the breeding years diminish and the need to be attractive isn't as acute. Its preferred (looking good) because it is nice to be centered. I feel when I look good I am feeling love for myself. I prefer to look my best because it means I feel my best. Still there is a strange negative pressure to look like a model or a porn star all the time. To look like the bootilicous coochy girls which is difficult and harmful both physically and emotionally. Look if its natural, if you get to eat well and surf all day and happen to look like a healthy athlete and hot cool. Natural (is key) If not naturally hot but chunky that should be cool too. Yet it isn't, how many times did we hear about Hilary Clinton's pant suits during her election run? Too many or her ankles are they really fat? It pains me, I think her mind is gorgeous, her abilities sexy hot, her diplomacy amazingly sexy, still none of this is talked about only that she has a fat ass and wears suits.

I hate it, misogeny at it's worst. I know this is the beef every feminist has about society. It's chronic need objectify women (enslave) woman at their peril.

I look at my family and my own father is guilty of this sexist defining behavior, he's a harsh judge. He thinks that if your body fat is above 10% you are obese.

If your body fat is 10% and it's a normal state meaning nothing is stressful about being there I say bravo. If you have to struggle and it is effortful and painful and you are depressed about not being thin then it's a bad thing.

On the other hand obesity isn't balance either and I wonder if the heavy are happy?

Maybe not, it's hard and challenging to change our ways.

Still I am careful not to objectify myself and others and I am careful to look woman of age in the eye and appreciate every stripe in terms of looks and appearance. Aging teaches humility and gives us the chance to truly love what is.

I am having more fun now with my head of grey hair and my sweet fat that sits where it sits. Oh sure I love my muscles too but I am less hating on my imperfections and I don't want to be hot as a goal but as a by product.

My heat is internal and if it happens to line up with yours cool but if not.

... I don't care.

I think my brains are much more beautiful then anything else I possess anyway.

Your brain too...ooooh sexy!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Channeling the Divine

Yesterday I was lucky enough to go to a lecture in Hollywood of a very famous speaker (Marianne Williamson) she spoke on relationship bringing up the important aspect of soul and how vital it is to honor the souls we meet and to be careful to withhold harsh judgement when measuring whether we are compatible and what the richness of our seeming incapability may bring to us. So I welcomed hearing this because I haven't the same problems with love as a rule my issues of unforgivingness affect my work, my career. I tend to hold myself back and judge rather harshly the men and women who run Hollywood. I have an innate distrust and dislike for the establishment as toxic and filled with one idea cliquish dopes. This hasn't served me and no matter how many people are this way there are some who are not who are living in the same sphere as me...trying to be a real human being with integrity.
So my relationship gap is career forgiveness. Anyway I appreciated being reminded of the places I can relax into and forgive. One fascinating part of the evening was her Q & A section which I thought was out of control( she was not in charge) It annoyed me that she suggested that we give everything up to prayer. I found it deeply annoying maybe dangerous since my root training is either Path work or The work both strong psychologically based studies with fantastic tools to help deconstruct the so called truths we hold, it isn't acceptable to stay in our "story" with these tools we can see where we are stuck in "truth" and not in "love". So last night everything was given up to Prayer to the Divine. Now everything emanates from source first or so it appears thus far and yet my thinking and my commitment to my "story" is the key to my unhappiness or happiness. Meaning Prayer is key but also my mental clarity and my mental health. Last night three people unravelled and had thick with blame issues and ultimately MW gave it up to God. Which is good yet that didn't change their maybe I am not allowed to see the change because "story " is so personal. Yet I was alarmed by what I feel is half baked wisdom. To delve into the divine and open up hearts and souls and then allow the baring of issues in public and then for her to always suggest to them to say pray and it will all be forgiven? It just offended me to no end. I feel it is unsafe and unfinished. First of all there is no way, no how that we get everything right. It's impossible that we remember every detail of everything. So how trustworthy is our recall? it is not...
So to say lets give it up to prayer is lame and I was shocked at how bad and uncool and amateurish it all felt. Oh boy here I go. Now I need a ministry and if I had one I would be cautious in opening hearts and souls and I would use the work tool the 4 questions and the turn arounds. There would not be anyone allowed to leave who wasn't able to do it, if they were in "the hot seat"...working.

I want Marianne to get better tools to help facilitate people who are in their stories...I want her lovely gospel to have ballast and better tools of deconstruction.

I understand the immense power of prayer yet it must be coupled with the work, the turn arounds because we can't get to the core, the love if we still think "they" are wrong or that we are innocent.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Why she must go...

Years ago I read a book in which the creator of complete global devastation was predicted to come now in 2010 here on Earth from hell and that person would be the personification of evil only no one would recognize this person as being evil because of their beauty and social standing. This destroyer of life on Earth would be pleasant, if not gorgeous, smart enough to fool the masses and armed with a message that is designed to divide everyone. I think although this was fiction it is here. The creepy but telegenic face and that evil hell raised person is Sarah Palin. The troubling thing is she keeps gaining more and more strength and seemingly even more popular than before. As the liberal smug holes look the other way, we keep (okay, today I am a smug hole)brushing her off as a joke and she keeps gaining ground. What is going on here? The troubling thing is most Americans are so friggin lazy they will not investigate whether what she is saying is true or substantive. As long as she keeps feeding into their deepest fears, fear of a Black dominated America. The hilarious but tragic thing is there are legions of powerful people of color who have had a lot of power in Washington since the birth of this nation, Sally Hemmings for one who was well situated and had the ear of a President. Okay she wasn't good about her own liberty but don't think she didn't help in many ways or influence his decisions. There are many more who had real appointments and jobs but have not turned against the white ruling class. In fact if these hysterical whack jobs would realize that America has always had many (ethnic) leaders who work quietly behind the scenes of both Government or Corporate America who are "surprise" of color yet they maintained equilibrium. I hate and I use this word with gusto. I hate Sarah Palin! I think she is as anti American as terminal cancer. She is a societal cancer and she needs to be radiated out of our public view.

I want her to go away...and shut up and stop spreading fear and damaging the fantastic potential integration the country could achieve. Once we as a country get past the race card competition and get busy with the art of living well, creating and rebuilding and yes we could build this country into something more powerful and progressive then anything seen ever in its history, we could enjoy many thousands of years of prosperity and peace.

This is an amazing opportunity that should not be allowed to dissolve because of a hand full of haters who are against any kind of racial integration. I have nothing against hunting and I have nothing against white people being half of one myself.

I have a lot against people hell bent on furthering the ignorant points of view steeped in rhetoric that has never made sense and is not fact based.

She makes my skin crawl and I think something needs to be done soon...not sure what but I keep hearing she would be happy to go back to Alaska only I don't think they want her back either.

Thursday, January 14, 2010


Sometimes in our rush for attention and answers for the big questions we dive into stupidity. That one American Evangelical leader can blame a pact with the Devil on an Earthquake and get air time is sad and another example of the entrenched racism the permeates the world. Truly the idea that anything brown or dark brown or even black signifies bad is at the crux yet leaders continue to promote this idea and it's damaging to them and us who have to endure it. I am certain that if Haiti were near a supply of oil we would have been more present in their affairs. If the country had a value that we, America could exploit we would have pitched a big tent there, a base of sorts. Cuba lucks out (if you wanna call it that) by proximity. It is close by so we plunk a nasty prison there and maintain a military base. Okay it may no longer be an active base but proximity does bring Cuba more attention. Haiti on the other hand has many ticks against it mainly there is nothing to exploit and we; America need to exploit everything we come in contact with, it's just the good ol' American way. Personally I want to learn how to speak French. If I had my choice I would choose Haitian french because it's gorgeous sounding. It lilts an already musical language. I think Haitian women are some of the most beautiful and the magic in their swagger is evident. I am not as fluent in the men but I reckon it follows they are beauties too. It is culture and history that Haiti offers and good deep Caribbean soul. In a world lacking in humanity and Soul Haiti is full of it. I am sad there was this recent cataclysmic tragedy but I am deeply happy we will all finally focus on that sad little piece of paradise. It is neglected to our peril and we need to completely adopt it and help it along as if it were our family, because it is our family. One soul, one person can alter the planets course so every person is valuable. I think it ironic that a Christian Leader can be so unchristian and I hope people are paying attention. Its the actions not our words that speak volumes. I don't need to pray for Haiti because I am convinced its time is here and we all care very, very much and I notice that folks who normally don't give two shakes are paying attention and donating money and that's marvelous. I adore Paul Farmer and Ophelia Dahl for setting up Partners in Health and I trust them. I know they are there on the ground handing out medical help and food and comfort and care. They have been there for over a decade.

This earthquake is a bad thing but in the end it will have been a blessing because it made everyone take note.
We need each other as much as we need the air we breathe believe you, me.

Send money to Partners in Health now.


Monday, January 11, 2010


I have been traveling and in my travels things have been coming at me and I have had the delight of processing many ideas and concepts some which are advanced for me dealing with probability and our continued arrogance when it comes to factoring in the completely impossible. Its in the impossible that it happens. Learning how I learn and how to appreciate my education in it's...self taught fractured sense as a blessing. I have to say not being trained in many disciplines opens me up to many ways to understand stuff. Strange abstract stuff the stuff that most would deem impossible and yet happen. Things that we don't factor in...and they come or occur and they devastate. How many times have we ignored a potential outcome because it was too far fetched and yet it happens. More then we want to admit.

Then my friend lost his mother this week and although it wasn't a surprise it was a sadness a dull thud that lays on our hearts. She was a quiet and lovely graceful woman whom we loved simply adored. She isn't with us anymore and we are sad about that.

We miss Clara.

So this is my current status learning new ways to learn and creating a whole new universe of adventure.

How about that.


Monday, January 4, 2010


Byron Katie teaches that if you see any fault in anyone else it is ripe and active in ourselves that nothing is separate in our awareness. To find horrible faults in everything around us is to know who we are and the level of our vibration and since life is all about vibrations then we are in big trouble when we can sit back and find fault all day long. Sometimes my beloved will say I do something when I am pointing out something he does that I don't like. He will throw it back and say I do the same thing which is true if you are following my line of thinking. Yet, I think it isn't productive communicating to do this and yet he is right.

I want him to say oh...then say well I notice you do the same thing, blah blah blah. He has heard me and he agrees but I trigger the guilty kid response and he always says this thing, which sets me off and I have to laugh because it drives me insane and yet we do it as almost ritual.

UGH...I like this rule this law this Universal truism. I can find it working in my life and yours. If we can see it, find it, then we are it.

Okay it's annoying to righteous people who are hell bent on innocence.

You know the person who is never guilty and always has an excuse.

I think those people are in need of prayers the most because we lose when we forfeit our guilt, we lose our power.

I love my power...and you should love yours. In fact it isn't lady like to step off it and shy away from the "killer instinct" which is in every single one of us. It is lady like to master ourselves but it is stupidity to forfeit our strengths to fit into a certain relationship/s.

You know how some relationships degenerate into false roles.

You follow? We must find a way to be self responsible and fully accessible to our strengths and allow ourselves to be wrong in order to discover our wondrous-ness or gifts of strength.

It is retarded life force when we step aside or away from our strength to seem littler or more feminine or more girlie.

Eventually it will impact our health and all sorts of drama ensues.

This is when the rules of universal law are fabulous.

When being able to be wrong isn't a bad thing but a grown up thing an empowering thing.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Out of body

Reviewing a recent family gathering I video taped I noticed I talk too much ( why I am not sure) and for some nervous reason I slip into baby voice to be (adorable) but to me sounds psychotic. I don't know about you but I am certain it is a way to off set nerves and it doesn't work.The talking too much has always been an issue. Honestly I don't need that much attention but its a habit. I get manic...poor me. I also noticed our expressions and in my family some of us are worried all of the time so they don't realize it but their expressions are serious and almost death mask-ish. I am certain me and my beloved are the source of it. Why? because I am a narcissist and I think everything is my fault. I know life is scary and I for one live right on its edge but is it worth a set face that looks miserable. No, but I am certain we have leaned on family these past few years too much and we are taking more then we are giving. I am in pain about that. We are funny creatures and we are lovingly filled with I will use a poker word "tells". We let our deepest fears and secrets show all the time, it leaks out. So this year I would love to be more responsible and independent and caught up. I would love to not slip out of my body as much...and I would love to know that we don't have to leave ourselves to tolerate a gathering of any kind, especially with family. Hard to do no doubt, but listening to myself on the family video I suspect I am empathic and therefore a wee bit too aware of stuff, emotions judgements etc... I need not be or maybe I am guilty and feeling awkward and noticing the stress I cause others; something like that. Another funny thing happened just a few days ago. I lost a pal, a young man who was my friend...but after a few bottles of red wine I let out my deepest beliefs and they rubbed up against his in the most interesting way and I am certain I horrified him. I have very bohemian ideas about life, money and relationships (monogamy) and how it functions and my part in it, my ideas and beliefs are naughty or against the common rules, maybe even sinful. I saw his idea of me fall far off the pedestal and you know I don't mind being toppled off any pedestal but I noticed, I noticed it. He has left my life I feel it and I know I horrified him...Ha.
Kill the Buddha means something. No worries, I have enough friends.

I know it is not my job to be involved in what you think about me...that it is insanity.
Still it pains me that to think I cause concern from some areas of my life and I need to sort that out. I don't want to be the cause of concern I want to be a contributor.

My New Years resolution to give more, especially calm.