Monday, April 29, 2013

The Campaign

This morning I woke up early and the first thought I had was my about my indiegogo campaign and suddenly I had a panic attack. Why weren’t more people donating was I too fat and was I too ethnic or smug and whoo woo ish…you know nothing is more annoying than an actor being spiritual. Then something fascinating entered my thinking and I said all of it is true and none of it is true and most of the negative thinking is not my business…and no matter what, the amount I raise is the perfect amount end of story. The rest is mental chatter designed to slow my groove down to a crawl and nothing is more painful than letting untruths hurt me. It is competitive urges that haunt me. I compete with whom??? A star from a decade long hit TV series? Really I have languished in obscurity for decades since what “Commando” and I expect to compete? What crazy pills have I been taking? Seriously, there is a cloud that haunts my ambition and my BFF thinks I am wrong but I suspect I am not and that is the race card…I get choked up when I read about how television has never had a black women protagonist star in a series almost ever…okay it has been 25 years before Kerry Washington met Shonda Rhimes and they collaborated on Scandal. I of course go straight to the she’s gorgeous and about 22 years younger and what else??? Oh Shonda has never been a fan…LOL. Oh I digress but those statistics SUCK! How in gawds name am I going to pull off a show about a country Celebrant? Not to mention me as star and created by? Crazy, and no matter how much I admire Lena Dunham the genius behind “Girls” she has Judd and I don’t. The Judd is the man and not to be too racial but let me…THE JEWISH MAN behind the show. If you want success you better get one. Well maybe they don’t all have to be Jewish and many are not but they are white men 99 % of TV writers working in Hollywood. As of this moment I don’t have that…I have fabulous local support and some not so local support but seriously I think secretly or maybe not so secretly my friends feel sorry for me and my ambitions. I suspect they chuckle behind my back and say poor RD she thinks people will care? I think this because it is true…most of us have these “frenemies” in our intimate circle. These so called pals that claim allegiance and really are not friends and don’t want to see us succeed. We cannot live without them it is the dance called life but we can know them, we can guard against the not so helpful negative input they generously heap on us at our most fragile. In our family too that green monster resides. I remember one of the first foundational things I learned after half a decade of deep therapy was that I cannot expect to twirl in the center of my life and expect everyone to find me adorable. It was a childish response and so “stop it”. I called it then the Madonna syndrome where it seemed to surprise her as she first burst onto the scene that not everyone liked her, trusted her, or even wanted to be her friend. It is the aura of success that cuts the unsuccessful to the quick and the successful wonder sometimes aloud why they don’t have more adoring friends. At that time I could sense in Madonna’s eyes sadness. So here I am with my palm out to the world asking strangers to support my dreams. I am asking complete strangers and acquaintances to reach into their pockets and give me their hard earned cash so that I may live my dream. What a big ask…what you ask do they get in return? Well my show is about a woman on the path of life trying to find God. Simple and you ask “why should I care?” I say you shouldn’t unless you want to come along with me on this journey as she (struggles, maybe fails and sometimes succeeds) in a 55 minute frame work. I personally love watching shows where deep issues are addressed and it is done in a clever way where I don’t feel it coming it just descends in an “aha” moment. Don’t give me a dime if it hurts or if you feel less than and shame on me for expecting people to tolerate my twirl and or maybe my physical form offends “gawd only knows” or whatever…I have to stand in the only truth that seems to be up today which is “Life is exactly what it should be right now, no story”. Just simple, we stand, sit and lie horizontal…Thank you Byron Katie. Everything else is a made up story designed to hurt. We have enough of that already. Thank you family of friends who have given to the campaign…I treasure you and love you deeply. The others, I get it and I love you too. xo

Saturday, April 13, 2013

How I met my husband...

Today someone asked me what my husband who is not a celebrity had to do to meet me? Well it would seem that it was destiny and we met at a perfect time for both of us. Nothing mysterious and I will say one of the myths of celebrity is that there is mystery. There is a difference maybe in that some of us are noisier and have a communication outlet that allows us to be bigger in everyday life. Although none of us is special in a way that exceeds you or anyone else. Mainly it is luck and maybe a special talent but nothing that makes us anymore or less than anyone else. To be a great actor means one is able to be ordinary and to show life in expression so seamlessly that you the audience cannot tell that it is acting. A celebrity gets to be seen by a crowd, and what is being communicated on many levels can be seen by larger audiences so that maybe unusual. Does that make someone famous better? No, or different not really? We do the same bodily functions and we bleed and have heart break just like the rest and what is truest is that we have fears and feelings just like the rest we are human beings. So there really isn't anything new or special or different that occurs in our lives and sure someone like a mega star may not be able to travel without a security detail and I can assure you it is onerous and expensive to have, to have people to manage crowd control. No, that level of celebrity is NOT fun and I have compassion for those that have to deal with it. So yeah, there are different levels of celebrity (JAY Z and Beyonce) or mine (not that mega…)like in any other aspect of life. Still these are normal people in a real world dealing with the same issue you have and sure maybe the money is different and the posse larger but still people with hearts and souls. So how did my husband meet me and how did we get together? It was luck and timing and good chemistry and a willingness to be/fall in love.