Wednesday, September 30, 2009


Listening to our President this morning on NPR made me happy and excited and at the end of the segment a little frustrated. The man is a vast improvement on what we have had in office and yet there is so much we need now that even he can't seem to manage. We need harder more definite changes immediately. Although he is a fair and centered leader which I understand isn't enough, we are needing a true maverick no actually we are needing a hellion. Of course that opens up another can or set of worms. I appreciate the pain from some people who responded to the Acorn comments. The pain was clear and I felt it in reading the threads yesterday regarding equating everything to racial tension. We are psychically exhausted as a community and we all are ready to progress out of this dark tired place of competition. "Us against them"...kind of thing. It happens in families and it happens every second of the day in our global community. The "Us against them" mentality doesn't make room for the "we are a unified species struggling to maintain a comfortable life on planet earth" model . Which by the way we are together struggling with our climate problems. At the rate we are polluting you'd think we were not stuck and ineffective as far as changing our behaviors. We are still dumping way way too much greenhouse emissions into the atmosphere. These accords and meetings and Kyoto plans are fine and dandy but underneath all of it is hubris. The planet isn't going to allow us to wait for 2013 or 20 anything it is speaking back to us with disastrous weather now. Still we fancy we have more time then we do. Oh well..a good ass kicking gets us to tow the line immediately and obviously we are too out of control to adjust our behaviors.

Ooh it's going to get interesting.

Back to race carding everything. I am certain some of us want it to end and I myself look forward to a world that is smarter. I really want us to be a more motivated smarter as a species...please can we all devote some time to daily learning something new?

Anyway...we are here. It is now. Ride a bike, turn off your lights, recycle, reuse refuse to buy more, simplify, rethink your spending ways and share or trade with your friends and neighbors.

Most important be kind to yourself and consciously join your community.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Fight back!

B of A just pulled financing from Acorn. It isn't just unfair it's racial and it's politics anti Obama politics. I think starting today everyone who can must boycott B of A. Pull your money from this bank and show them you care. I am disgusted that many corporations who have received billions of dollars in financing from us tax payers and continue to be financed have broken so many laws and yet this one place Acorn is under attack. Who benefits from them? It's dangerous and it's real...we are under attack from a very powerful foe and hey feign centrism they feign Christian values and they are nothing but radical bigots bent on destroying what is good and gracious here in America. Go to http// and watch the Rachel Maddow and Jeremy Scahill interview, I beg you to get informed.

It's started they are after us, our liberties trying to turn America into a Christian fundamentalist country. We are not THAT! No our very liberty our hard earned freedom, the divine freedom of choice is at stake.

Lest we forget we are a democracy, we are free.

Be vigilant and informed...fight back!

Sunday, September 27, 2009


When playing tennis on clay the timing is vastly different then say on a hard court. It's slower and tricky with the bounce/s, the surface has so many different things going on, meaning it is uneven and vulnerable to wind and foot prints, stress.
This is the attraction it adds spice. Also the speed shifts and various shots become either more or less then they would say on a harder surface. One of the most fascinating things happens with a shot(to me) that is when a ball is coming toward you. Neurologically you make a thin sliced or an instant assessment of what the ball is doing or going to do and you mentally get fixed. Only on clay the ball may not do what it would do in your "fixed" assessment. So clay humbles us and teaches us to make micro split second decisions or if we are capable adjustments. It is a magnificent dilemma. I was listening to the various experts and politicos on television yesterday discuss the wars in both Iraq and Afghanistan and what seems to be the real issues here is that our government is "FIXED" in it's assessment of what it can and must do in both places without factoring the variables which have turned out to be staggering, impossible to control or plan or map out.
So we, like a lumbering clay playing bully can't admit that we are fixed on the idea of our role in these conflicts. THIS needs adjustment. Because we are fixed, we are deaf, dumb and stupid and no matter how brilliant the advisor is or how knowledgeable in deep detail they are about these regions, this government isn't listening.

It is a problem... we lose big time when we cannot make micro adjustments for these variables. It is true we are a big bloated mechanism that is stuck in outdated idea's about war and how to fight them.

We need to tear a page out of the manual of war (if he were to have written one) of Genghis Khan. he would never be doing what we are doing. Hurting his positions and his troops. Losses maybe but not like this...and Iraq would have of been a faster invasion and with dividends. We need to reevaluate from a place of humility what we are doing in both places.

Duh! I know I have been harping along with thousands of other people blogging, oh wait... it's millions of people writing about our inabilities to say "uncle" cut losses and get out of the region.

I heard also that Obama has to add more troops in order to save face in Washington. How lame and sad is this.
Tragedy all around that region, we have no business in their business , period.

We will never understand their ways, their customs or know what long standing vendetta's are percolating, ready to take over at any moment. although I heard just having safety and clean water and food is number one priority.

The threats we face are real only they are not in either two places, it's in Pakistan.

So we are like a tennis player on clay...we are fixed and we need to snap out of it!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Shell "Bell" Bergman

Yesterday at 4:20 pm in Los Angeles my Shell Bell passed away. She was my adopted mother , my lovely connection to Los Angeles and everything Jewish. She taught me how to pronounce Yiddish words and to eat the food.
She invited me to dinner every night for as long as she could starting 38 years ago.
I will miss her terribly and as I write this about my friend I get teary and I feel a sense of relief. She was stricken with brain cancer three years ago and it wasn't fun or easy or pretty. She my mighty little friend gave up. Her fight wasn't in her. she had lost something extremely important to her 16 years earlier (her best friend) and that was it,she never fully engaged again. Never underestimate a best friends importance. That relationship carried her in ways none of us knew. Because,we all agree,that when Gracie died so did a big part of Shelly. The rest was tracking time. She was battling a skin illness for years and finally frustrated she began a course of medicine that had fine print that read;"in some people brain cancer could occur".
Can you imagine we allow pharmaceutical companies to sell products that create cancer in the brain? This isn't about that...this is about my friend. She could be the loudest fiercest creature standing at 5' 2". she could commandeer her block kicking the colorful hookers off the corner so we all could sleep.
Many a night in the early days when Sunset Blvd was full of ladies of the night. She would march out in her jammies and get the girls and their boom boxes off our block. She was tough. Once when I was a whopping 15 and very ambitious me and her daughter my BFF Michel were invited to go to Paris with a group of French hustlers associated with Polanski (he had nothing to do with this) and she put the hammer down. No,she said "what do you think will happen to you two in Paris alone with those men?"
We were so excited at the idea of hanging with groovy French guys especially the director Roman Polanski blah blah blah...and lovely Shelly bell said "hell no". Oh I loved her for that! She saved us. She saved me a lot...She was always by my side in my darkest moments taking care of me. She was diligent,she cared. If there was a new man in my life he had to be paraded past Shelly and Bernie to pass muster or not. I even paraded directors too. They are almost as intimate as new beaus only we don't have sex with them in the best case scenario, well I didn't. I will miss my other mother it will be strange to see her house finally cleared of its clutter and horrible piles of "what the hell stuff" none of us wanted her to keep but she insisted. She gave me Paris, France,she gave me love,she gave me a home when I needed it,she gave me friendship.
I will miss her... I wish I could have ignited her heart but sometimes it isn't possible to influence people who are on their set path. I wanted her to allow love in...She was so good at giving it.

Shell Bell...I love you..

Thursday, September 24, 2009


If we have to endure one more rant from a disgruntled journalist denigrating bloggers as unemployed losers. I say you are the pot calling kettle black. It is a shame that we are so insecure and frightened by the web and it's potential because no one can figure out how to exploit it financially. I find that a fantastic dilemma. Why are our values so skewed toward exploiting the masses? Why is it always about profit taking? That seems to be the reason we are in a recession in the first place unbridled greed everywhere. It is a strange reality we are living in where values and character take a back seat to greed. We seem to ignore the divinity of community and care for each other for the much prized talent of taking money. We should make money and be valued for our talents I like to be compensated and delight when I do get energetic exchange. Sometimes it's money, sometimes it's favors or bartered goods. I am open to the newness, a whole new paradigm of living in society.

Still it gets me mad when I read or listen to a journalist ragging on the average joe who takes the time to write a blog who maybe has an audience. I like that we have found each other. I like that people can choose content...can decide what they read and listen too and frequent it.

I am appalled by our current state of news or lack of news reporting. I think it is shabby journalism and honestly it started to stink way before before Bush jr's first election. It went to hell and a handbasket when corporate America took it over. Yes all media. Then did I realize we were in for a very flat, very biased reporting. How the normal outlets of information would no longer be trustworthy or satisfying. Lets face it CNN is horrible as are the big four networks.For true excellent reporting it's public television, PBS or online, like; Democracy Now, Rebel report , BBC and apparently Al Jezeera.Although I have not viewed that outlet a bit worried about doing that actually. Still it serves us right for selling our souls to Corporate America.

We are lucky to have this medium (World wide web) and lets enjoy it fully before they take it away and or charge us for it.

And trust me they are trying to.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Mackenzie Phillips

We met one day on a private bus that was taking a group of us to Magic Mountain we were lucky because A&M records and Ode Records had arranged for a VIP tour of the amusement park. I was 12 years old and she was 15 and already a rising star. There was nothing but sassy sparkle and fun in her eyes. We immediately became fast friends. I went every where with her and it was fun. Drugs maybe but my memory was pot occasionally nothing more serious we were children and for me I wasn't as motivated to be high as I was to be an actor and serious about my career, even then.

Then her first car a flaming red Mercedes convertible and by then I was older, we were fast and running around. "Kids" in Hollywood with everything available, yet still managed to get sleep and not be taken advantage of. Oh sure we would hang out with rock stars but I know for myself I didn't sleep with them. No, I was ambitious and clever in that I was able to traverse the scene without to much collateral damage. It could be that I thought I was a legend in my own mind, which I did. I always thought I was famous and fabulous even when I wasn't.

Also I couldn't stomach a week of say cocaine or anything harder then pot. My dad drilled the wisdom into our heads that anything stronger was lame and I must say he was right.

I mean sitting up for nights in succession wearing the same smelly clothes going over the same conversation or no real interesting conversation wasn't appealing to me. Plus I was jaded I had met everyone at least once who was anybody and by the time it got super strange and druggie and ugly I was out of it, moved on. I completely lost interest in this scene .

It pains me today to hear about Mack and her exploits. I know she is needing to share the misery and I know she is needing to purge get attention but will it help her cause or hurt her cause?

I stopped hanging out with her the day before she crashed her jeep on route to Big Sur with Sherry Goffin and Tatum O Neal. I stood in her kitchen and screamed at her that she was ruining her life with drugs and that to me it was boring, she was boring. We stopped being best pals right then and there.

It was and is one of the saddest things watching a dear one devolve into heavy drug use and I don't recommend it. A heart break.
I was no fan of John Phillips he was possessed. I could tell he would do anything for drugs and that is frightening.

The short time I spent in NYC with him was long enough. I had a few weeks there and it still is one of the most traumatizing times. I never stuck a needle in my arm still won't. I saw a lot of things that weren't nice, seriously, I am not a fan of squalor either. Junkies (rich ones too)for some reason dig squalor. So does she need to tell the public she had sex with dad?

I guess so...I care about Mackenzie and I am in pain for her today because she is outing her life in a way that feels counterproductive to what would be more peaceful and better for her in my immodest opinion. I am not saying she should hold in the bad information, only I imagine this will make her a freak or more of one and that pains me. It feels like social suicide. Where do we go from there?

I am in pain for her.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


Writing that word in the title bar makes me squirm a bit. I am certain there is no such word as intentionality but I like the idea of it. I am so humbled by the fact that no matter what we think, do or say, we have many levels that we are communicating on all at once. Not just the superficial points. It makes me very aware of how responsible we have to be when you put stuff out there. For me it can be something so simple as writing a scene in which the protagonist is angry at say another character but the way they are angry and how I express it for them in the text matter. Not to mention my own beliefs as a woman person and creator my vibe leaks in to. So a simple sentence can yield a universe of intention. This can be tough since we function on more then one level. We have at least two more levels we function on and the other level of communicating is unconscious.'s intense alright. So what we think is a simple event or a simple occurrence can morph into a very complicated set of experience which can be leaking or spurting a whole heap of negative or positive intention, not consciously intended.

Get it?

I know it's complicated.

So writing is majorly important and hard to do for the simple fact of clarity or getting to clarity. Not easy.

The word today is "intentionality" as we strive for a clear understanding in our written endeavors.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Loving it...

My family isn't normal in fact it is based on much pain and misery and if I were to break it down slavery or the escape from slavery. Still my people struggled and strived and in some places flourished. It doesn't discount the immense psychic or emotional toll it has taken on all of us. Being mixed and racially "other", adopted and then abandoned. Stuff that makes me a very complicated soul. I am ever grateful for all of this "color" it has shaped this soul, it has honed my skills. Which are still unfolding and honing as we speak. One of the grandest gifts all of this living has given me is a greater capacity for love. Not only in receiving it, but giving it. I must say it is a by product of the willingness to work. The willingness to re-educate myself and learn the rules of engagement emotionally. The rules of love universally. So in fact, all of the hardship, abandonment, shame and misery is worth it. If it gets us to a place where we can fall in love with life and ourselves and those we come in day to day contact. Life is good.

Still one of my most difficult places where I still have raw emotional bits hanging out is with/around my Father. The funny guy. I want to separate myself from him and punish him and yet I don't. I love mad. I am going to say something which many people will think insane but I mean it, serious as a heart attack. Until we can find how reflective everything in our lives other words his crimes against me are crimes I commit myself against both myself and HIM. He is me and I am him. I will never be able to call myself whole. We cannot separate ourselves from any aspect of our lives. It is all US. Even Hitler. UGH...painfully true.

Oh people will argue and disagree but it is the only way through and into and out the other side to love. We cannot experience true forgiveness if we are separate if we hold anyone guilty.

I am not saying people don't do heinous things to us.
They do and we reflect those same things first in order to have them happen to us.
It's LAW.
Ahhhh so complicated.

Somewhere it is in fact even as childern/souls we allow or choose to be victim.

I hear the protests but I hold this as true.

I chose Tommy Chong to be my dad and I got a lot of action some great, a lot not so great...nothing like complicated issues to crack open a well guarded heart.

I am here to learn one thing and one thing only.


I can honestly say I am feeling it.

Friday, September 18, 2009


We have to make some huge decisions as a country and as a world community. The fact that the leaders of Iran are holocaust deny 'ers is painful as is the continuous occupation in Palistine.
The fact that many people are dying in a few senseless wars and millions are starving without the basics and we are limited in our natural resources makes me think we are not asking the right questions or dealing with what is most important. The simple fact that we are 37th in the world for health care and yet have pride for being a so called first world country is interesting in it's split.

We are positioned to glean the best of the worlds experience when it comes to compassion and intelligence and abilities in terms of global environmental resourcefulness both in the way we recycle the waste and how we could if we chose to make no waste. All do able goals.

This idea that Washington is a giant ocean liner and that to get a complete turnaround on policy is akin to turning an ocean liner in a small harbor,it takes time or is impossible. The other thing that is looming is the reality and this is true that if we don't participate in this in every way it will be done for us. Crisis looms large over all of our heads in every country in every walk of life. Somalia is nothing if all hell breaks loose in a first world place like here in the USA.

I am not one for having Blackwater policing the streets of America but don't think they are not training themselves for just that thing.

We need to be vigilant and we need to be smart and we need to act now.

Lets get this reform and lets try to align with what is best for everyone not just an elite few.


Thursday, September 17, 2009

Something new

When I run my body sings and yells and screams and if I am unlucky I will listen and I will decide I need to switch to spinning or something less difficult. I miss the point when if I slow down and allow my self to find my more natural gait and speed. Slowing down I miss gliding through the protests into "The zone". If I can just make it past the protests I will do well and maybe enjoy the run and it will ease itself into something more say spiritual then drudgery. I never do I whimp out. I am afraid of pain. I was laughed at as a wee little athlete age 5, yes by my father for coming in dead last in a race. I still can hear his booming laughter and my shame for not being a "natural" runner and for losing. I am slow. Still I fancy I will discover my form and I will one day explode into a gorgeous natural free spirited runner. I hike and walk miles a day with my puppies, I know it's not the same as running. My dogs they run circles around me as I baby my joints and fear the screaming aches and pains this body has. I am afraid to hurt and feel nauseous and well I am afraid I will be last. Still I long for the wind in my hair kind of freedom. I long for the confidence that my legs will carry me through a series of lovely miles. Mileage my dream. I know I am a great runner if not good enough I just have to do it, one step at a time. I have to run to find "her" next frontier. Finding that warrior athlete who is confident in her natural born gift.

Something new to look for...still I am afraid.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Pat Tillman

You know we have issues in the military when a football hero is killed by friendly fire. Here is an All American guy who enlists of his own free will caught up in the get the bad guys cult that fueled these so called wars in both Iraq and Afghanistan. The propaganda that lead so many fine Americans into these ill conceived battles. Whilst being billed as end terror and save America and here we are almost a decade later no safer or smarter or nearer to getting the perpetrators. In fact the great crime is that we here in America are more vulnerable and more off balance and looking at a new age of racism and political division bigger then ever in our history. I am pro America don't get me wrong but I do think the various minds behind the spin that sold us into these wars should pay. I think we can isolate them and I think we should make them accountable.

It isn't just cut and run it is complicated and tribal. Imagine your son going to war to fight under the idealism of saving us here in America. Only to arrive in a foreign land so strange and complicated and ancient with US military leaders no more fluent in the local culture and certainly confused and scared and flying blind because it was a bad idea to start. Yet motivated by the gung ho military bravado which last I noticed didn't include sensitivity training in the local tribal politics and customs. We never hear about the deep insight our generals have into these foreign (to us) cultures. People we are trying to control with our brand of culture, how boorish of us. The ancient aggressions that predate our presence,we are meddling in their wars. Wars that have been fought for thousands of years. We don't hear about the generals or how their intel is about respecting these differences. Instead we hear about how we are saving them from themselves. We hear about BUY America, TRUST America because we are BIGGER and BETTER and are here to SAVE THEM from the Saddam's and Bin Ladin's...only we don't know who "they are" "where they are".

Nothing is worse then a bad idea. These wars are a bad idea and we have lost both. Today we continue to be thrust into one losing battle after another fueled and paid for by our true enemy;


We should cut and run like the Russians did. Reassess and get out of the region and let them take care of their own battles. Whilst we take care of our own "issues" at home.

I don't want to pretend we know what we are doing anymore over there. We should have never attacked or freed Iraq in the first place. We shouldn't have taken the bait.

I think Pat Tillman death is a fine example of the out of control leadership that really doesn't seem to know it's ass from a hole in the ground.

We should not still be in Iraq.

It's ancient and tribal it's beyond our understanding.
We need to mind our own business.

More dead Americans makes my heart's time to come home.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


Driving to Longbeach I was explaining to my dear friend Chris that I discovered something about my mother that I had never known before. I need to let her know I need her, I love her and that I miss her. She doesn't hear this from me enough.
Out of fear of rejection I have trained myself to withhold any and all of my need from her. Knowing our history this is understandable but no longer necessary or useful. She adores being needed especially now days. The beauty of aging is that we soften and become less busy and hopefully more mindful. I love her.
... I adore her presence and sweetness and sass. So this trip brought me to something I need to remember, we need to be needed in every way. It keeps us here on the planet. I think it feels good, or at least for me I love it when my son requests my presence in his life. I raised him with a very light hand never demanding much of him yet I demanded a lot only it wasn't in the mundane. I am certain I pushed him emotionally places he probably never wanted to go. In essence my folks have done the same for me. There are certainly places they have pushed me where it isn't so sweet and light. I guess that is the dynamic of parent child relations. Back to topic. Moms love to be needed. We adore it especially if it isn't demanded of us. I loved how much I lit up her face when she told a story of us, how I teased her and guilt ed her into dropping a social engagement because I wanted her with us , her children. she sparkled telling the story.

It made me cry on the way to the airport because I realized I have not allowed my mom to know how much I do need her. I was afraid she would reject me.

She may still reject me but I have to risk that...and she may not.

That is the sweet spot...right there.

Monday, September 14, 2009


Is it too much to ask to reinstate manners as mandatory in preschool classes. I know that etiquette is old school but it is time we revisit it. I am a freedom loving girl and I never want to impose too many rules on our behavior in the fear of squelching our creativity. Yet there is a time and place when we do have to rein it in and allow for others to shine and to make room for grace. This is what I call the divine moments "grace". Like that scene in the movie American Beauty where the plastic bag is caught in the wind and it twirls around in an very artistic expression of that which animates us, yet we cannot describe it or see it. This weekend so many crazy behaviors were on display and it pains me because I know if we all were to sit down and take a deep breath as we pondered our actions. We would have to acknowledge that we sometimes misbehave and it's not cool. I am right there with everyone. That we are a lawless group (modern people) when it comes to manners and etiquette. It isn't fashionable to send thanks yous in so many circles and yet it feels so nice to get the acknowledgment. I had a moment this weekend where something happened and I am still smarting about my over site. It wasn't a manners things per se' but it was something I over looked and it could in fact hurt my bigger plans. UGH nothing we can do. I just hope in the future and hell now we instill some class and grace into our babies and ourselves. There is no need to act out in public. There is no need to be rude and selfish and hurtful. There is no need to spaz or spit or yell and scream at anyone other then a doctor of psychiatry or alone with a pair of Bataka's smashing out ones anger in a controlled environment. I am not saying hold it in I am just gently suggesting to do it in a private safe space. We who are public figures owe our fans that much. I am judging and it may be off. As a community we are under a lot if stress these days...with Obama being attacked and everyone looking to point fingers at the whole community as being unworthy. So these days our behavior needs to be sharp and productive and a good reflection on who and what we are. We are brilliant and worthy of everything grand so lets act like it. Shall we.

With love and concern...

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Grace full

Yesterday, sleepy I made myself plow through the semi finals match between Serena and Kim because something happened and my tennis buddy Sergio was anxious to get my thoughts. I couldn't wait and went on line and read the outcome. I am certain after watching the drama unfold that the line judge may have been too eager to fault Serena since how much of her foot touched the white line? On the other hand Serena was being outplayed by a very sharp Kim Clisters who is a doll and they are friends so it wasn't a grudge match as these things can sometimes turn into. This was a case of inches. I wish Serena challenged the call instead of pointing her racket and anger at the line judge. Unfortunately it will not be pretty (as we watch it in play back over and over again) still I can't imagine her pain at being faulted at such a critical point in the match.

Thankfully the line judge was ethnic because it would have been awful had it been someone who was say male and Caucasian. It would have just added to the already electric racial tensions we are now experiencing in America. It isn't easy to lose. It is a tough moment in any persons experience but it shows the character of a man or woman. I think Serena has a wee bit O' work to do in this department. Lets face it when you have been the tennis worlds strong woman almost uncontested for a few years it's tough to give up the top or share it with someone else. I know Dinara Safina or any of the other lovely ladies wish they could get there but no one other then Kim or maybe Justine Henin or maybe Victoria Azerenka can really challenge Serena. Venus can't. It was ugly last night and I am sad it played out that way. I do adore Kim and her game and I welcome her back. It was obvious she likes Serena and I was heartened by her obvious emotions of concern. Unlike say a Capriati or Hingis who would have smirked and smiled. Kim Clisters has a heart and class.

Come on Serena apologize and admit it's about being outplayed and you lost your mind. Show the world you can admit to being a flawed human and appologize to everyone for losing it. You were wrong for attacking (verbally) the line judge and rules are you lost the point and match. It happens.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Burning man

It should be mandatory that we each get to experience what Burning Man offers. I don't mean just the naked drug swilling or the free love excesses that can happen there but are not (necessarily) the norm as every scared non believer thinks happens at Burning Man. I speak out of turn because I have not done the festival myself. It is a week before labour day that it appears, Black Rock City a place without cash but barter and love. I think I love really love this idea, it is for us a place to express and find ourselves while we share community. Ooh it sounds delicious. I am on my way. When? Well that is another story.Before I die.

I know many people who have been and who have hilarious stories of lost bicycles and crazy all night dance fests. Which sounds marvelous to me...when was the last time you got to dance all night? Hmmm if ever? I think we as human beings we get gypped. We miss the spiritual necessity of letting loose in a safe drug free way. Because we are stuck in our social framework of what is good and proper. I know my soul craves howling at the moon, clothing optional. We are a pent up scaredy cat society, filled with man made rules and it has gotten us into trouble...I know the tribal elders in Papua New Guinea laugh at us. At how sad we are and fat. When you look at the way they live and use their bodies and how fit they are well into later life because to be unfit inside and out means death. These people are called savage. I wonder who the real savages are...look at us we fight war with drones. They fight eye to eye.
It should make us question modern life. Okay, I don't want someone to cannibalize me or my neighbor, mind you. Nor do I want to hurt or go to war for a revenge death thing, still we are at war for revenge of 9/11. I am not one to encourage nakedness in public streets during the day. All things naked should occur in a safe place with consent.

Still we in modern America are lost to our natural expression,our nature by being hemmed in by concrete. Living in toxic cities, without trees, or not feeling dirt, dust between our toes. I encourage each of you to run free into the woods nude squealing with joy at least once in your life. It is liberating and it is fun.

Oh, I know it's not Christian behavior or proper behavior.
I am sorry something tells me that at the end of our days that so called buttoned up behavior looks pretty shabby compared to freedom of expression.

I know it is a form of expression not to express too. Still the idea of Burning man smells like the possibility of our future. In other words this may be forecasting how we may have to live...who knows with so much nuclear proliferation in the hands of despots. Black Rock City could be forecasting future urban planning.

Stay tuned.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Mercury is in Retrograde

Most of us don't subscribe to the astro-influence debate and yet we are all pulled around being 75% water and believe it or not pulled and pushed by gravity and lets face it, we often forget we are on a giant sphere called Earth which is in a galaxy which is surrounded and influenced by all sorts of differing magnetic forces yet we still can argue that magnetic influences and planetary movements have no influence. Well, I beg to differ. Yesterday I shared something only I didn't explain it well because I could not reveal any details. You try writing about the essence of a moment without revealing details. Not easy and I apologize if it was cloudy. Then a dear friend of mine voiced concern, she inquired about this blog she said be careful you will be hurt by revealing so much. She is right but it could be argued I don't reveal enough.

So far so good...I am certain my rambling on about various subjects won't be useful except, maybe one day getting me committed to some institute (If we get health reform), I shouldn't joke it could happen. Okay, I kid. Today I am not insane ,tomorrow we'll see. It is a sad world where sharing our personal journey could be used as evidence to hurt us. Alas we do live in a litigious society and I should be respectful of this. Oh and I noticed a few people having a difficult time yesterday and needing to attend to things (communicating for instance)with difficulty that is one of the ways Mercury messes with us. It hurts communication and it challenges us with delays and with miscommunication. Be cautious, it is essential for the next 20 odd days that you be diligent and patient and kind to your self and others.

I was born under this influence and if possible enjoy the weirdness and gawd knows there will be plenty.
I seem to do well under it , my sister too. We are Retrograde babies. Anyone can see if they are and for us it is a comfort every time these lovely 3 weeks roll by. For some reason this year we are having a bounty of them 4 which is unusual...okay so there I spent the entire blog discussing astrology and I am certain alienated a few none believers but how can we not argue that the planets affect us. They do, especially the moon.

Right ladies...

Thursday, September 10, 2009


This morning some one asked me a question regarding my dream situation and I said I wanted something and that something walked by. I won't get into details and it was not romantic but it was magic. Now the person(my dream situation) looked but didn't stop and would not because we don't know the man but it was magic nonetheless. Now of course my friend who is 63 years old from Egypt and not on the surface the kind of guy that you would ever think paid attention to say "The secret" but he brought that movie up. I am never one to knock positive messages and "The secret" was and is helpful for many but I also think it can be misleading and too simplistic being a complicated species, human and female, in my case. Still today has played out in a most fascinating way. Practice and work and intention can create miracles. I am not allowed to divulge anything else except to encourage all of us to trust the process and trust the cosmic timing. Nothing like having the allowing current establish perfection in timing. Allow and be grateful for all of it even sad and hurtful things, it's here for you and only you to enjoy and use...

Fly, high.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009


Still reeling from the/my family issues but recovering. I think when we are slapped with abhorrent behavior it takes a while to recover. My dear friend Chris reminded me that where in the "manual of life" does it say we need to be close to family? I know this intellectually but I do fall for the belief that we should help each other and care and love each other. I noticed that some here or on FB have lost patience with me, oh well, I am human, I have a heart and feelings and surprise? I am still walking through the woods of my psyche finding my way. It's tough and it is hurtful to be attacked and yet...can it hurt me? No, I choose my response.

Yesterday walking the canyons and enjoying the wind (cooler tempts) I noticed that we walk our individual path/life alone. It is a solo act. Nothing too disturbing about that unless it flies in the face of our understanding of life.
I get sad when I am out of my business and I maintain balance when I am in my business. There it is...simple logic.

I look forward to the next moment and I am grateful my heart is open and learning and growing and taking in and allowing what ever comes my way.

It is my job to love me. It is your job to love you.

The rest a story...


Tuesday, September 8, 2009


Imagine a place where woman cannot wear trousers where woman who are outside cannot be seen. Imagine having to drag a male family member or two out for a simple visit with friends. Imagine not being able to get an education. This is 2009 and these actions and more are happening all over the world. Our sisters everywhere are under siege. I think we females need to boycott we need to rally for those who are persecuted. Maybe stage a protest refuse to use petroleum products until Saudi Arabia smarts up and loosens there policies. Could we here in the west join forces? It's one thing out of spiritual humility to a personal Allah that people woman choose to cover themselves, it's another thing when it is enforced because the male species feels challenged. As if we females have that much power. I know I would be stoned to death. My mouth is so big and I am cracked open intellectually, I can't help myself. I need to know and I need to share ideas and I love, love, love my freedoms. Today I read that Lubna Hussein is in prison and being whipped in Sudan for wearing trousers. How ridiculous.

It's a planet in turmoil and I feel it here. I feel it in my heart and soul;

... she is me.

I am you.

Here we have grateful.

Lets do something.

Monday, September 7, 2009

How do we know?

Reading the book "The Family" by Jeff Sharlet is fascinating for many reasons. First I am impressed by how prevalent spiritual inspiration has infected many a civilian in much the same way as the bible said Jesus and the disciples were in-spirited. Yet I wonder how much and how many of these early American prophets were ill mentally. How do we ever know? Voices? That sounds eerily like Schizophrenia, and or sociopathic behaviors, repressed sexuality the list is long and because of our fervor for religion we label it God sent and Jesus based. I get the chills. I am certain there must be many men and women who have fooled themselves and the public with ill physical health (fevers, malnutrition, dementia) and labeled it a visit from "The Christ", It's scary and yet they all can't be kooks, or can they?

Dogma and anything fundamental as in religious fundamentals seem to be a perfect cover for all kinds of mental disorder. I suppose if we are caught feeling slightly off center these fascinating so called passionate and "chosen " charismatics can be pretty attractive. Ahhhh...then couple this with the promise of milk and honey as in wealth and easy access to fine young things and you have a "cult" ready made.

Wow...we are vulnerable. I love this book because the simple idea of a movement devoted to power and world dominance under on idea "Jesus's" gives me pause,gives me concern. It is the exact thinking that helped spread Nazism. The exact thing despots use as an excuse as they murder millions.

We must be cautious and we must be truly transparent.

Personally I don't want anyone like Doug Coe to affect policy here or abroad and the fact that this guy is so powerful makes me think that maybe there is a White man conspiracy to crush the masses into new deal slavery.

Okay it can be argued we are there already.
We are fools and sheep being led to slaughter by our submission to corporate policies/lobby that represent most men in government.

We may say we are a democracy but if we let the likes of "The family" continue in the shadows of our great nation we are looking for a dark or darker time then we can imagine.

Light, love and grace...and above all transparency.

We need to be awake and aware. Get the book "The family", by Jeff Sharlet.

Read it and pass it on...lets keep the discussion going.

We can make a difference.

We can free this country from simple yet sinister thinking.

When that book is "Three cups of tea" by Gregg Mortenson and read about a truer more helpful message. One that will help usher in a more productive peaceful world.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Generosity of spirit

We are all dealing with inner demons from our personal history whether it is from actual physical abuse or emotional or simply carrier emotion where the adults in our young lives have beliefs that influence us. Somtimes so much so that if they are dealing with shame for example, it affects us as children (simply by being in close proximity) as if we sourced this confusion. Racial shame is a killer. So if the adult is feeling it, it can seep into a child's consciousness.

Growing up Chinese in Vancouver in the 40's was difficult. My Chinese grandpa was terribly affected by the racism. He was forced like all of the Asians to live in a small area in downtown China town that was infested with vermin and over crowed. Horrible. Then he enlisted (the Army) and couldn't fit in there either. He lovingly passed on this racial shame. I believe my father has wanted to be anything but what he is so as a young man, for him it was trying to be African Canadian, now he is wanting to be Anglo. I think growing up I shared his fixation in some ways and it was an absolute abandonment of my natural self. I remember the agony of not being happy with myself not knowing what or who to be. I have shared before how it took me decades to settle into my skin, peacefully, in every way. So to be recently put under siege for something as sensitive as body image has been cathartic and I am grateful to have the tools and the support of every single person in my life saying "don't listen to the lies". It pains my father to see anyone else doing well and I think that comes from his own inner insecurity and lack of generosity. It takes a generous soul to be able to forget self and celebrate another wholeheartedly.

He is a sad man who is alone and will not get help because he is a celebrity who is wealthy and charismatic. That is the curse of success. Yes, it takes great humility to kneel down and say "uncle" and to ask for help. Those of us who have been dropped to our knees, who have done the years of self exploration into our operating systems, who have rebuilt with true foundational emotional strength are blessed beyond measure. It is a quickening realizing that our fathers are human and flawed. It is a step into true adult hood. I know where my source comes from and I get my love and strength from within. Yes, it is delightful to know there are Fathers in the world who are capable of loving their offspring in a healthy way. I know it isn't unusual to experience something like this ...warped cruelty either.

Fathers can be cruel.

So today I am sending hearty hugs out to everyone who has the complicated relationship with men who call themselves Dad but are not quite up to the task.

I know one day in the future (maybe not this life) my father will grow up and start to take full responsibility for his actions.

Till then I apologize to all the souls he may have caused pain or confusion.

It's a path and we are all on it, one way or another.

Just try in your personal journey to spread as much love and respect and kindness as you can. Why? Because it heals the planet.

Plus another persons success in no way depletes the Universal store of abundance In fact your joy for anothers success only feeds the cosmic good.

It creates more love.

...Gawd knows we need it!


Friday, September 4, 2009


My Father just wrote a series of messages about my body gossiping that I am "Fat" and suggesting I do ads like Kirtsy Ally in weight watchers essentially comparing me to her. I have great respect for Kirsty Ally as a woman and as an actor recently I have deep sadness and compassion for her path, she must have a LOT to deal with. We let ourselves go. I am not tipping the scales anywhere near that. Yet to be thought of as that fat. I sit here in starbucks and feel my heart as it breaks. The sad crack of a broken heart. Wow.

I am kind of appreciating the searing sadness and feeling of absolute shock as I process the words, the message that he is telling me.

I disagree that I am "Fat" obviously and I understand why he is comparing me to the social skeletons of his tribe. Truly unless I have 7% body fat I am fat? Really dad? 21% is fat?

I am sad he is that "guy" that insensitive uncaring unintelligent man. This my dad. Is it any wonder as a child I had to deal with so much?

Wow...I just want to hug myself and say he is asleep and stupid and under a terrible spell.

My Dad.

Every bite I take in life will be with love. Every time from this moment forward I will step onto the tennis court and swing my racket will be with love and awareness. I think in some foggy corner of our minds we are so jealous and competitive we need to hurt people.

I think he is that

I am not fat I may not be skinny but I am not fat.

I think my dad is mentally fat and mean and I hope he finds his heart and I hope it cracks open and he finds kindness.

We all can be cruel it's just devastating when we do it unconsciously.

I have a big day ahead of me just to regain my balance and self understanding and LOVE.

Fathers are powerful.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


We were discussing young men in the rhythm section of L.A. and how possibly and I say possibly that most laws are slanted toward keeping these young men in jail. I don't want this thought or idea to be true it smells of conspiracy and I dislike that concept but thinking about laws and especially drug laws it's hard not to wonder? Then I think about how the majority (elites) who rule our country do not share much with the ghetto or the parts of this country that know lack and discrimination except for one thing. They the ruling class are becoming the minority and they don't like it. This past week I had the good fortune of being invited to see "The pageant of the Masters" the theme was "Muses". As I stood and waited for coffee at intermission a young couple struggled to take a photo which I offered to help them with. As I turned around I apparently bumped into s couple of kids and then felt an elbow in my ribs as the "Mother" of the kids poked me. I had apparently over stepped into their personal space. I noticed that her aggressive jab had some extra weight. A kind of "we don't like you people touching us " kind of weight. Now it could have been my imagination but then again I was in Orange county and it feels almost palpable the stress down there. These folks live in luxury or so it seems and they are being challenged and something tells me they are taking the current state of affairs and blaming that "Black Guy" in Washington. It felt racial. Honestly I don't think I touched anyone except the rib poking lady, because she poked me in the ribs. I am by nature a fighter but looking at her twisted face it occurred to me in an instant that I had nothing to say and nothing to defend and "guess what" I was in the wrong line anyway for coffee. So I swiftly left the line and immediately got my beverage and left the lioness of a mother to stew in her fighty mood. If it is true there is a conspiracy to keep a certain group down and these rich people who are not so rich are making this period in our history "racial" then I pray for us to prevail. I pray we can win this inner nasty strange battle with intelligence and grace,

I am open to transformation and transcendence and joy.

Not angry jabs into ribs...only hugs and kisses.