Friday, September 4, 2009

21%

My Father just wrote a series of messages about my body gossiping that I am "Fat" and suggesting I do ads like Kirtsy Ally in weight watchers essentially comparing me to her. I have great respect for Kirsty Ally as a woman and as an actor recently I have deep sadness and compassion for her path, she must have a LOT to deal with. We let ourselves go. I am not tipping the scales anywhere near that. Yet to be thought of as that fat. I sit here in starbucks and feel my heart as it breaks. The sad crack of a broken heart. Wow.

I am kind of appreciating the searing sadness and feeling of absolute shock as I process the words, the message that he is telling me.

I disagree that I am "Fat" obviously and I understand why he is comparing me to the social skeletons of his tribe. Truly unless I have 7% body fat I am fat? Really dad? 21% is fat?

I am sad he is that "guy" that insensitive uncaring unintelligent man. This my dad. Is it any wonder as a child I had to deal with so much?

Wow...I just want to hug myself and say he is asleep and stupid and under a terrible spell.

My Dad.

Every bite I take in life will be with love. Every time from this moment forward I will step onto the tennis court and swing my racket will be with love and awareness. I think in some foggy corner of our minds we are so jealous and competitive we need to hurt people.

I think he is that way...wow.

I am not fat I may not be skinny but I am not fat.

I think my dad is mentally fat and mean and I hope he finds his heart and I hope it cracks open and he finds kindness.

We all can be cruel it's just devastating when we do it unconsciously.

I have a big day ahead of me just to regain my balance and self understanding and LOVE.

Fathers are powerful.

7 comments:

frenchwoman said...

My father who died now also spoke this language with me and each time that devastated me

He said that I was large and broad, there whereas I was right a normal woman neither gross nor thin I had just fomes or it was necessary which are

These words continued me all the time and I did not like of course and then one day in therapy I included/understood why it needed to destroy me to exist to him

That mà to help but it was there nevertheless in a lighter way

I still think walls of it even if physically it is not any more on ground

Then yes the fathers are powerful because it is in their glance that one must grow and become opened out women and that it is harder…

Charles said...

Rae, you're blessed with good genes, beauty and intelligence. Looks like the wisdom you've acquired on your own. Sorry you can't get the Dad bonding to make life more complete. It seems like it gets close at times, then slips away :( Best.

Cheryl Carlyle said...

Hi Rae,
why would any father say that to their child even if that child was 1000 pds??????????????
You are NOT NOT NOT fat at all. If that was my dad and he did that, I would write messages and tell him to fluck off even if he was my dad. He would get a huge earful from me. I wouldn't be talking to him for a very long time. That is mean, insensitive, uncaring, unkind, rude, nasty, horrible. People come in all different sizes. I happened to see Kirsty Alley on Cheers when I went. She was a toothpick at the time. She's always gorgeous no matter size.
Good luck to you with this situation. I'd tell him off, honestly I would.

joyf said...

brighten up Rae, its not like he called you stupid, i'm borderline, always a couple of meals away from being plus size. my father who is dead now, meant well, but was never really supportive, i always put his insensitivity down to the way he was raised. he is who he is, but try to love him anyway

Kim said...

I'm so sorry, Rae.

You don't deserve that kind of cruelty and I understand how painful those comments are when they come from a loved one, especially a parent.

HUGS,

Kim

glt said...

Need more of you...

glt said...

Your thoughtful words are sexy, and I realize I'm old enough to be yer uncle. Will you marry me anyway? xxxxxxxxxxxxxoooooooooooooooo! :)

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