Sunday, September 6, 2009

Generosity of spirit

We are all dealing with inner demons from our personal history whether it is from actual physical abuse or emotional or simply carrier emotion where the adults in our young lives have beliefs that influence us. Somtimes so much so that if they are dealing with shame for example, it affects us as children (simply by being in close proximity) as if we sourced this confusion. Racial shame is a killer. So if the adult is feeling it, it can seep into a child's consciousness.

Growing up Chinese in Vancouver in the 40's was difficult. My Chinese grandpa was terribly affected by the racism. He was forced like all of the Asians to live in a small area in downtown China town that was infested with vermin and over crowed. Horrible. Then he enlisted (the Army) and couldn't fit in there either. He lovingly passed on this racial shame. I believe my father has wanted to be anything but what he is so as a young man, for him it was trying to be African Canadian, now he is wanting to be Anglo. I think growing up I shared his fixation in some ways and it was an absolute abandonment of my natural self. I remember the agony of not being happy with myself not knowing what or who to be. I have shared before how it took me decades to settle into my skin, peacefully, in every way. So to be recently put under siege for something as sensitive as body image has been cathartic and I am grateful to have the tools and the support of every single person in my life saying "don't listen to the lies". It pains my father to see anyone else doing well and I think that comes from his own inner insecurity and lack of generosity. It takes a generous soul to be able to forget self and celebrate another wholeheartedly.

He is a sad man who is alone and will not get help because he is a celebrity who is wealthy and charismatic. That is the curse of success. Yes, it takes great humility to kneel down and say "uncle" and to ask for help. Those of us who have been dropped to our knees, who have done the years of self exploration into our operating systems, who have rebuilt with true foundational emotional strength are blessed beyond measure. It is a quickening realizing that our fathers are human and flawed. It is a step into true adult hood. I know where my source comes from and I get my love and strength from within. Yes, it is delightful to know there are Fathers in the world who are capable of loving their offspring in a healthy way. I know it isn't unusual to experience something like this ...warped cruelty either.

Fathers can be cruel.

So today I am sending hearty hugs out to everyone who has the complicated relationship with men who call themselves Dad but are not quite up to the task.

I know one day in the future (maybe not this life) my father will grow up and start to take full responsibility for his actions.

Till then I apologize to all the souls he may have caused pain or confusion.

It's a path and we are all on it, one way or another.

Just try in your personal journey to spread as much love and respect and kindness as you can. Why? Because it heals the planet.

Plus another persons success in no way depletes the Universal store of abundance In fact your joy for anothers success only feeds the cosmic good.

It creates more love.

...Gawd knows we need it!



Kim said...

Beautiful commentary Rae. Thanks for sharing.

glt said...

You gotta let go yer daddy, baby.
I know that is very hard to do...I couldn't do it until he died physically---laying there in his diaper, high as hell on morphine prescribed by the hierarchy, STILL cursing at me for being a fool...

You gotta let go that influence...mine died in the flesh and can't harass me no more. I haven't even dreamed it!!!

Yer beautiful red,high-yellow skintone is a plus for sure. We can all describe ourselves in the beauty of the painters palette.
Keep high and free, sweet pea! xxxooo!

frenchwoman said...

Very beautiful Rae comment, which reflects really what I think, which I feel
Ah !! these fathers irresponsible, failing, it is necessary or it was necessary to have a good psychic balance to be able to advance in the life and to build themselves in spite of them
thank you for your shared thoughts