Driving to Longbeach I was explaining to my dear friend Chris that I discovered something about my mother that I had never known before. I need to let her know I need her, I love her and that I miss her. She doesn't hear this from me enough.
Out of fear of rejection I have trained myself to withhold any and all of my need from her. Knowing our history this is understandable but no longer necessary or useful. She adores being needed especially now days. The beauty of aging is that we soften and become less busy and hopefully more mindful. I love her.
... I adore her presence and sweetness and sass. So this trip brought me to something I need to remember, we need to be needed in every way. It keeps us here on the planet. I think it feels good, or at least for me I love it when my son requests my presence in his life. I raised him with a very light hand never demanding much of him yet I demanded a lot only it wasn't in the mundane. I am certain I pushed him emotionally places he probably never wanted to go. In essence my folks have done the same for me. There are certainly places they have pushed me where it isn't so sweet and light. I guess that is the dynamic of parent child relations. Back to topic. Moms love to be needed. We adore it especially if it isn't demanded of us. I loved how much I lit up her face when she told a story of us, how I teased her and guilt ed her into dropping a social engagement because I wanted her with us , her children. she sparkled telling the story.
It made me cry on the way to the airport because I realized I have not allowed my mom to know how much I do need her. I was afraid she would reject me.
She may still reject me but I have to risk that...and she may not.
That is the sweet spot...right there.