Thursday, April 22, 2010


Yesterday I allowed myself to be talked into doing something that wasn’t what I wanted to do. For some strange reason I allowed my time to be spent doing something I wasn’t 100% into. I know there was a social factor involved and that factor had to do about me feeling sorry for someone whom I have no business feeling sorry for. In fact after the fact I realized that I was bamboozled by the person and her “story” and that shame on me for being such a weakling and allowing my valuable time to be spent doing something I did not want to do. Plus to add insult to injury it was expensive! That alone just boils my blood. What is wrong with me? I tell you nothing is more annoying than being conned into thinking I am doing a “good” deed by participating in anything other than something I whole heartedly want to do. I felt that if I didn’t attend the event that my presence would make a “void” and that she would feel bad. Guess what she didn’t feel bad would not have missed me and I could have saved money. UGH…I hate when my ego gets involved. I am so deserving of the event and the sting that I chuckle and have to sit down and write about it. People we perceive as weak or sad sacks or what have you are NOT! It’s an illusion. In fact I think a majority of people who have “bad” luck and never are happy or have one crisis after another are hazardous to our health and should be dealt with cautiously because one can get swept up into the vortex of misery if one is not careful and none of us can afford that literally. If someone happens to be a social weirdo, meaning can’t carry on a conversation or what have you, then “too bad” for them. It is not our job or responsibility to fill the social void those of us who can can carry on decent social intercourse to carry folks who are lacking in this way. I tell you I learned a HUGE lesson yesterday. Never feel sorry for anyone ever. I mean anyone. Oh you say what about Haiti? I say what about Haiti? Sure donate and go and serve there if you must see it in person but don’t feel sorry for anyone. Each of us is working it out (life) and we need exactly what we get. It is vibrational. I deserved everything I got yesterday because my motives were skewed. Fool me once… shame on you, fool me twice? You know the rest!

Guard your time self-fully!

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Unholy alliances

There is a documentary called “Worse than war” that examines the devastation and the causes of genocide. That it can happen again easily and is happening now and yet the powers that can or could stop them don’t. They point out how America and its allies could have halted many incidents of genocide globally but did not. It is apparently a short burst of bombing strategic spots that can undo the core strengths of a few examples of genocide Bosnia being one. We could have saved approximately 8 thousand lives in one example had we moved faster into the region early on for instance. Many more than that died in fact. Why do we allow it to happen? I think it’s a combination of things there is an intrinsic denial mechanism. In any abusive situation the witnesses or closest potential saviors deny it could be happening before being convinced that “yes” it is going on. Then it’s the horror and then the assessment of the personal fallout or danger. Options are weighed…in Darfur the problem is China and oil. We owe China everything financially, our very existence is in the balance with Communist China so if they need to massacre millions of Darfurians for oil then let them. We need to keep the red giant happy. I think that is the thinking according to the powers that be in Washington. So much is wrong with that thinking. I get nervous for everyone on planet Earth because it seems to me that oil has over stayed its usefulness as far as being an efficient energy source and now we are paying the debt with whacked out weather and it seems to be ramping up and getting worse. Not to mention the lack of balance to our microbiology and the new strains of things that is so small and lethal. The meek shall inherit the Earth. I think that means the micro sized lethal strains of badass bacteria immune to everything we have throw at them. They will get us first. Balance being the operative word. We are way, way out of balance and genocide and our tolerance of it shows how far gone some of us are. The collective…I find it interesting that the very people fighting Obama in Washington (teabaggers) are the same people who are undereducated about our unholy alliance with BIG OIL and Communist backed credit. We must go after reforming corporate taxation and taxes in general as we attack campaign financing and immigration to name a few issues.
If we continue to live on credit and depend on oil things will degenerate faster than they are already. Oh man, I am being so negative today, I guess watching how we have allowed and continue to allow genocide to occur shows me that we have weird values as a species.
I do have faith in the babies coming up who are trying to shift their value system to earth based studies and sustainability and community based programs, programs whose focus is in supporting a healthy emotional-spiritual-human potential connection evolution, where we focus on improving experience not with more “stuff” but better enjoyment of less stuff and more appreciation of each other and life and the natural world.
I woke up sad and cranky and having shared these thoughts I feel less sad…hopeful.

Monday, April 12, 2010


Seated alone watching the new “Alice in Wonderland’ which I thought exquisite; I was struck by how important every little thing is. That in each of our lives we have fantastic support from nature and the surrounding environment if we are sensitized to pay attention. In other words caterpillars speak if we listen. I think it tragic that yet again a wondrous movie like “Alice” gets shot down by what I suspect are jealous wanna be film makers. This movie is marvelous, a triumph and if you let yourself be carried by it, it has an excellent message. What is the deal people who didn’t like it? Maybe it’s me…I loved “Nine” Starring Daniel Day Lewis. I think it worked in every way in fact better then the original which I wasn’t drawn to like this. I think again it’s a symptom of "Hollywood no it alls" who have no taste yet they have a lot of ears listening so when this group say no people listen. Sad how many great things slip by? I suppose the internet saves us because we can find the treasures online after they have been shelved.
I don’t want another remake of anything made. I am sick of seeing retreads. I know Nine is a retread but it worked for me because no one saw the original and if they said they did they lie. Lots of that in Hollywood lying but that’s another story.
I forget why we do the dance. I forget the wonder of it all until I watch the likes of Johnny Depp or Helena B Carter. What joy…what fun? Tim Burton is a God.
Emily my 11 year old Goddaughter didn’t care for Alice I think it wasn’t her opinion I think she was mimicking the general bitter consensus. I think if a real 11 year old not one saturated in Hollywood or royalty like my darling. I think a real kid would love it. Oh not to dis my girl she is a real kid only she lives in Hollywood with parents who are film makers and well…we mimic our elders.
Go see Alice in Wonderland let the smoke of mystical fun envelope you.
Be a kid, forever…xo

Thursday, April 8, 2010


Last night hanging with dear old friends we were outside enjoying the early evening California temperatures which if you live here are the norm but since moving to lovely New England I now have a renewed appreciation for warmer weather. I still prefer it in increments not all year round. I understand our need to have warmth but I need to have frigid cold as well. There is something spiritually soothing to me about winter and it is my favorite season. I can be outside running around in it and not be bitten by blood sucking creatures. Nothing is more disturbing than deer flies attacking you. One of my friends stood up and asked if I would help her find a man. She is ready so she says for love. I am of the school of being as honest as possible to myself and to my beloved pals. So the truth for me I have discovered after realizing that I have been a complete failure setting people up, is that we are single because we WANT to be. We are unemployed because it is where we need to be, even if we don't remember or know that we created it. I know its bullshit whoo hoo stuff to some, not to me. I think it gospel. I think we are these magnificent power stations of creativity if we accept it. I think our truest identity is GOD force. We are huge monumental creators if we step in to it. The powerless the abused and the forgotten stance or mode of operating is choice. I know I stand in tricky territory but I can promise even in the most extreme cases there is a millisecond of collusion and choice before we are enslaved. So I suggested to my lovely friend that she needs to find her No and change it to a yes vibrationally. She needs to align her selves into one whole and get clear about her vibe. Her outward energy she is sending forth. If it is negative even a little bit no one who is worth their weight in gold will be attracted to us. No one, It is universal law. I love “The millionaire match maker” Patti Stanger. She is right about a lot of stuff regarding love and real connection. Most of us don't want what we deserve. We want what we think we need. That is two very different things. No worries though because life kicks our ass and makes it impossible for us to be full of beans. It doesn't do our bidding. If you want to become an actor to fulfill unmet childhood dreams chances are unless you have a corresponding talent and desire that is based on something life affirming you will not have success. It doesn't happen. If you want love to make a child and to fill your evenings with distractions and to serve our unmet needs it's not likely to appear. Love is about sharing and unfolding, transforming both as one and as individuals inside couple-dom. It is as much about the other being as it is you. Most of us are not so good about sharing life. I think a committed study regarding love and intimacy and selfhood vital before embarking. That is in an ideal world. Plus if you are lucky your lover will be developmentally in the exact place that you are and together you can grow up and unfold within the unit that is your relationship, its fun. Honestly no one can fix you up for love or anything unless you are ready and willing to be in it.
The big question last night is are you willing?

Monday, April 5, 2010

Earth quakes and other inner happenings...

I am slow and it may be a blessing. I will miss social clues and or an attack or even aggressive feelings both good and bad. I miss stuff and yet later I will take stock and wonder why i feel off balance. So it goes that I was under attack and didn't know it and guess what I didn't die. I do feel fragile (I am not) and shaky but I can still find it in my soul to send out love toward everyone and that's key. Now I need my own love the most. I need the forgiveness and understanding for being slow and not immediately "catching on". In fact I am just lucky I miss stuff. I think it spares me. Right now my knees are sore from being reduced to them. I am wobbly and feeling a bit bruised and burned psychically but I will prevail and I will be smarter and sweeter for it.

Ultimately being undefended is the goal the bigger picture.

Because when I am undefended I am open to LOVE.

Finally if you go to look for an example of the work called : Prejudice. It's me working with Kate. I think it's revealing.


Sunday, April 4, 2010


When we are wounded in childhood, emotionally, physically, psychically the shock is unmeasurable the response devastating and for most to survive it a complex defense system is instantly created. Flash forward to adulthood and if the person hasn't investigated in a safe but in depth way for a prolonged time then the system is pretty much intact. So it makes deconstructing the now outmoded defenses impossible. Hence we are stuck and incapable of changing and growing so in essence a HUGE majority of our population is functioning from a 3 or 5 year olds (a child's) wounded psyche. Being physically mature does not equal emotional or intellectual maturity. Plus this reality of our retarded growth reflects and can be measured by the damage we can wreak on our children. Example damaged people can be extremely narcissistic. With un-investigated wounds, and there is an infinite number of places were our immaturity acts out. Most of us are not lucky, we are walking wounded doing major damage continuing the horrid cycle of abuse. Yet some of us have the inner guidance to get help. I was reading a cover story about a very famous actor whose adult child is about to go to prison for drug trafficking for at least 15 years. The actor blithely explained his guilt at not making the child as he was growing up priority. My first thought was since he also mentioned that this was his story, his dad who is an actor ignored him until he didn't. The moment they reconnected this man was healed or helped. Conversely his own child never got the chance or didn't respond to the opportunity to connect when it was offered. So he deftly dodged the real bullet. He blamed a flawed child for not getting it like he did. Narcissistic? You bet! It bothered me to no end reading this because although I know this actor means well, he is missing the boat. I feel he isn't even touching what is this enormous opportunity for him to investigate HIS real wounds and HIS true involvement with his tragically soon to be incarcerated adult child.

Are you with me?

I heard another devastating story about another power couple who now have grown children who are in and out of prison. This same couple refuse or maybe cannot correctly see what is indeed the truth about why they and their children are now in hell. Going to prison or probation meetings can't be easy on anyone. Being successful is measured in finances in most of society but I think it should be measured in deeper markers. Like how are our relationships? How many friends do we have? What is the level of mental, emotional health of our relationships within our intimate family? How are the people in the immediate family thriving or not? The fact that Hollywood and the rest of global society measures wealth as true markers of success is shallow and wrong. Health measured in fiscal or monetary levels misses the point or is one small fraction of the picture. I reckon since it is an icky, hard but worthy journey therapy and or spiritual questing that most don't do it. Or worse don't know they can do it and maybe should. Yet if we all were made to take a test before breeding to measure our readiness to have children. If we were encouraged as adults to really investigate and understand whether we were fully mature? It would head off a lot of grief. I think religion was designed in its highest form to help with this accountability but it has failed. No, I think spirituality and psychology melded together is the closest we can come to getting clear about out personal responses and therefore our damage and the design of our coping structures. Reading this article about the famous yet failed father, I realized that it's most of us. We will fail as parents if we don't/cannot allow maturity within ourselves first. The buck starts here.

We must get inside and face our demons and not judge or feel shame or be scared and hello? Those wounds, those ugly (so we think) demons are always there, the never go away. Then for most of us as we age we get better at lying to ourselves. All of the hardship is good, this is grace because if we didn't have to maintain vigilance on our journey called life to be a whole compassionate person then I think life becomes boring and monochromatic and that is not a life worth living. No a life full of continuous growth both inner and outer makes this dance a lot more interesting and for me...I need interesting.

Happy Resurrection!