Monday, November 30, 2009

The broader perspective

My dear friend is in it with stress and worry and calm at moments too, his mother is sick, her kidneys have stopped doing their job. We are hopeful that she will clean up her blood and one day heal and no longer need dialysis. It isn't an easy road and my heart goes out to them. It did help inspire a thought about LIFE. I wish it were a simple topic but I will give it a try; The Broader perspective meaning what lies beyond our understanding about our individual lives. What it is that all of this means both to us as individuals and as a collective whole. What if we can't see everything we need to see in order to have complete understanding of say hardships. That everything is perfection and we are not ever in "the wrong place" and that we benefit from even the most unsavory of experiences because it is all designed to enhance our journey and help us help ourselves. Yet here now in this life we can only see a portion of what is going on or how it will benefit us. There is no way to push against this or prove it really. I think organized religion tries to form or shape or give an envelope to what could be "gods" work. Personally it isn't enough for me, I need more. I also want to understand an Omnipotent intelligence that is supreme. I want to understand how this being can allow say child abuse and every other crime against creatures in the entire Universe. Big subject this and I know there isn't an easy answer.

We have a whole slew of ideas and people with theories and of course none of them prove-able. So it once again leaves us with "faith' which to some of us is a dirty word. Okay, I try to wrap my understanding around say rape and torture of children (any rape or torture) but I cannot. I don't understand the act and I don't understand a GOD that allows this to occur. I can only allow an idea that maybe it has to do with a broader story a perspective that somehow benefits us. That something is bigger and more complicated then we could ever understand and the very acts that are unmentionable and yet happen to innocents and not so innocents that somehow there is a benefit. STILL...

I don't understand it and I can only breath in and out with some comfort "hopeful" that in fact we just don't get to know or see the bigger picture, the broader perspective and if we could we would see that EVERYTHING is a good thing for everyone it happens to. That we are not alone , that we are held in the highest place of love and respect. I know I may come off as a simpleton and maybe it is exactly what I am but I struggle with God as an omnipotent supreme being and all knowing who allows bad things to happen to us. I just don't get it...until I allow for knowing only a small portion of the story.

Then I think Ah, it's a question of perspective and our puny minds can't handle it,

... YET!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

The oppressed

It is old news how African Americans are oppressed on many levels and the white poor share many of the hardship so oppression really is color blind. Yet when you add up or tally many things that have occurred in this country over the last two hundred years against the African American it is pretty damning and I know everyone wants to move on yet it matters that people especially of color understand their history and know that our situation in this country isn't all self made. That in fact their are huge hurdles to over come that can be traced to a certain class of folks here that refuse to share a piece of the proverbial pie. I watched the movie "The Blind side" and appreciated they way it showed our ghetto projects how different the experience is on the two sides of town. Affluence and that...misery. It made me think what if the same abuses were given to the ruling elite class in this country no doubt many of them would be destitute and miserable living off of each other and amounting to little like it is for millions who live in the projects of this country. I think the socioeconomic differences in this country between the African American project dwellers/the poor and the ruling white elite can be traced to systemic racism that have occurred throughout the system and that our democracy although better then most countries has been skewed toward others getting the "job" as it were. The healing that needs to continue within our community is one of hope and love and self love...and of course never giving up. We can as group make this situation work in our favor. I suspect the need of one group to dominate everyone else is human nature. Yet something tells me it is coming time to level the field.

I just hope it isn't too awkward and that there isn't blood shed. I may be hopeful yet foolish.

I loved the movie "The Blind side" it seems to bridge understanding and show love and care for humanity. This is key because I still feel there are many people who are afraid of every African American and everyone of them judges us as the same and it's just not true.

Each of us are very very different and each of us has a story...that should be heard.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


Forgetting to be thankful is epidemic in my life. I can wake up and ruin a perfectly good day by being crabby and sad and crazed about nothing of importance. Oh I know we need to be appreciative to be in the "allowing mode" as Abraham says or any of the many "self help" dialogues we sometimes indulge in. Still this day we are celebrating is rugged and filled with hazards of emotional firestorms. I am appreciative of many things when I remember to be. It isn't easy and yet I do feel better when I can sit back and really feel love for everything good and bad and ugly and scary and painful. We have to find that balance and be as caring and happy about the rough patches we all have to endure. Not easy. Or the person who gets under our skin...and makes it crawl. Funny but that person is our teacher in the most holiest of ways. They say turn the other cheek when in fact we should face integrate into what makes us uncomfortable.I know it is a tall order and Christ like and I have deep emotional resistances when it comes to loving someone or thing I judge as harsh ,horrid or evil...still we are to be thankful of those people , places and things that move us into the next level of understanding and experience.

I am deeply grateful for every rejection and failure because this is when I have found my wings and felt my own strength. Not when everyone wants to be my friend or carry me or help me...or give me my dreams. No it's in the gutter face down with crap on me that I get the best blessings.

Be afraid of losing everything, be very afraid because what we find when we really plunge the depths of our experience is Love. The deepest recognition of love.

When we clutch onto our comforts; we are in for it...when we fear the unknown; we are in for it. When we judge ourselves as harshly as we judge our neighbors; and we do, we are in for it.

This is the seat I paid for, this my life. I asked for all of it, in every sense of the word.

I do forget that fact and when I forget? I want to sit back and separate myself from LOVE.

Until I remember(again) my gratitude and then that leads me home to LOVE of all of THIS.

It is perfection your life, our lives.

Only Always.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Maybe less is more

I was watching a very famous actor on a talk show and I decided he was a lot less sexy when he spoke. I even met this guy once and he seemed okay, sexy in person but watching him speak and feeling his "vibe" I think he is less "that guy" of my fantasy. Ahhhh fantasy we all have them. I was a rabid Jackson 5 fan till I wasn't. I wanted to marry MJ, until the boy thing, so by then I didn't. I had grown up. When I was 9..I was in puppy love with Priscillio Obliglacio (a boy) from the Philippines who was gorgeous and looked exactly like Micheal. Well close enough, his mother wisely kept him away from me. He lived across the street on San Vicente Blvd in the rhythm section of L.A. a cluster of low income apartments that had the most beautiful palm trees that lined the street. If you didn't look too closely it looked almost tropical and higher rent then it actually was. Coming from Detroit we thought we had arrived. It took a couple of years and a few weird experiences to realize we didn't live in anything close to paradise but then again anything was better then a Detroit ghetto. I didn't complain plus I was small and wild and having fun anyway. Kids can adjust to cement playgrounds and lack of toys or diversions. We made up games and played till the sun went down.

Still it is better to be more mysterious.I wish this actor had not gone on television he seemed dumpy and less cool. I wonder if he knows this? I have made the same mistakes gone on television and made an ass of myself. We forget,we lose ourselves. We get depressed and mistakenly go public with it. You who are not famous need to realize how lucky you are it is much easier to lose ones mind in private. We all need to let go once in a while and if you are in the show biz thing the studio forces you to go on shows to promote the films and what if you are having a low day or just not up to it. Well too you go.

I am not sure this actor realizes he is even low or weird. He just isn't as sexy in person.

I hate it when I lose my idols or my fantasies. I cherish my phantom paradise.
I look forward to get aways to the islands of my imagination.

Now I will have to lust after someone else?

What fun...

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


We have power, stored unleashed unbelievable power. Like that famous Nelson Mandela saying about "playing small" we are frightened by it. When some of us display it in public instantly we/they are separated and if it's a female they are scolded for it. If it is a male usually they are rewarded for their powerful display of manliness. Not fair but what is? Playing small shouldn't be acceptable and yet it is often times demanded of us. yet this nuclear strength our intrinsic divinity is formidable and if it isn't allowed out it will find an outlet and if it isn't productive this outlet bad things can happen. Most of us have no idea or concept of our inner powers and strengths we are not familiar nor do we imagine we could withstand the isolation or derision if we were to step into it and release and expose this power our greatness. We went to the movies last weekend and saw the MJ film "This is it" thoroughly enjoyed the first half and started to feel weird the second half. I was reminded of what I loved about him from the beginning his fantastic musicality. So musical, such talent and so professional. I think that directness does have a cost. It isn't free there will be consequences. Yet if it's true that Buddha lived for 80 years, there must be a way to balance greatness...This was a creature who channeled God force through song and dance, still he MJ, suffered. It is very difficult to look at him.

We celebrate pureness of force when we like the package. Whether it is in art a painting that moves us or song or movements on stage. This force is in all of us. When it doesn't get an outlet it implodes. We implode. I was glad to watch the movie and I am sad his life took a weird turn, then again why be sad? Still I have guilt as if my admiration helped facilitate his weirdness.

This is about our inner strength, it's developement and acceptance.

Power isn't acceptable in most social situations and yet we need it. We need to own our own inner force and learn to use it productively, not shy away from it. We need to facilitate situations where everyone especially young girls learn to use it. Imagine a world where children are not afraid of their inner strengths? Yes!
Where there isn't a code of outdated morality or images of femininity that hinder and hurt our individuality our hard earned awareness our strengths.

High heels/fashion/ body augmentations, binge/anorexia,cutting a toxic mix ready to express as mental illness.

Cultural expression or things designed to make us feel bad, throw us off balance.
Oh sure heels look good according to fashion but they are useless as far as function and like Chinese foot binding horrendous for the body.

Magazines celebrating eternal youth and extreme thinness as the ideal for all of us.

Question the need to be a "girl"...or girlie. High pitched voice and cutesy wootsey ness. Okay in a tween maybe but us, women? Yikes.

I am not saying we shouldn't be soft or gentle. That is absolutely acceptable.
I am just saying celebrate the Tigress too, because she will find a way to get out.
I am convinced this is a root cause of disease.

Suppressing our power.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

The walk about...

If drugs were decriminalized many people who are marginalized on the streets living in squalor would have an opportunity to get help or get shelter and safety and some much needed dignity. Why we care what people put in their bodies if they are adults and able to support their needs, I don't get it. Since we have such negativity attached to drugs and prostitution to get drugs we cut off a huge population and we separate ourselves from loved ones who are willing to live like this. I for one love my family.
How we treat our friend, family and loved ones who decide to brave the depths of misery because drugs and the life of drugs is their preferred choice makes my heart break. I am not one to judge since we are all so close to the streets ourselves. How we as a society can call ourselves compassionate and Christian and yet marginalize an entire sector of our society shows just how far we need to go to advance to be truly Christian. Again I have said this before we could learn so much from the Dutch. Drugs aren't interesting when you can easily get them. Drinking loses it's luster because we notice it makes us fat and it is boring to be a drunk, in most cases. For our brothers and sisters who can't or don't have a shut off valve. In a perfect drug decriminalized society we could provide help, assistance from a clinic and/or programs based on compassionate care and these same folks who needed to plunge into hell for a spell (if drugs didn't have the criminal stigma) may when they regain balance be able to get back on the road to health and regain solid footing. BUT because we have made it a CRIME we separate these souls who are needing this sojourn. Yes we prevent them from ever getting back in the game because of what? Some outdated Christian value? Laws that are harsh if not not flagrantly designed to keep certain sectors of life in America down? Laws whose very foundation is set on sand. Cast the first stone those without sin. Everyone at one time or another loses their way it's part of the human experience. Sometimes some of us need to get down and low and dirty (dirty only because it's driven to the corners of society)...why can't we provide a safe CLEAN space for losing our minds without criminality?

It is a bother like Health care for everyone. I am not of the mind to try and convince people drugs are safe. They are not and they are harmful, yet does that make them criminal? Does making them illegal take away the problem? NO!

No , No, no.... it does not

We don't need these laws we need to decriminalize drugs, empty the prisons. We need to re-embrace our lost relations or at least help them, we need to regain our streets and our senses and to reclaim our lost souls, family in many cases, the people we have shunted down to the skid rows in every city.

I want to see the end of every skid row.

I want to see the end of the fear of addiction. I want to see understanding and empathy, patience and compassion and love toward the people we have "lost" to drugs.

If it were decriminalized our junkie relations would be able to maybe keep their jobs or get new ones. They would be cleaner and live more controlled lives while they deal with their choices. With the current laws they have to steal and lie and deal and other horrific things to get their drugs of choice.

I believe our collective societal resistance to not understanding addictions and the souls need to plunge the depths of the "dark side " or the "dark night of the soul" is ANTI- Christian. The true core or cause of addiction is our call or need for the God experience.

So in essence criminalization of illicit drugs is a way of saying no to the very God these so called laws are here to reflect.

Your soul, my soul needs what it needs and making it wrong or illegal will not make the need stop or stop the pain.

Until we understand what is underneath the needs and pains of our family and friends who are drug addicted we will never understand GOD Or Man...

It's all connected, so deal with it.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

When we are sad...

My first cousin Shannon lost her husband, Darryl Rozak. He died yesterday at 5:30 am EST. He had had a massive heart attack and never recovered. He was 45 years old a baby really when you think about when we die. My sweet cousin is in shock and grief, huge unthinkable pain and sadness. I know as a friend and as her cousin there is nothing I can say or do really to ease this pain. We are in it and it Driving home the sky seemed sore, where I live the sunset was astounding it was almost purple yet it was still an orange. I saw it as sore or sad. I didn't know him well but what I did get to meet was bubbly , sweet and so kind. He adored his family was a true salt of the earth man. He worked for the department of transportation, he was loved and admired and happy. So in effect he had a rich love filled life.

I know everyday every minute someone dies somewhere and often it isn't easy or a "nice death". So sad and so sudden...and lets face it we are never truly ready to lose anyone.

In fact it is the family who is left with out "him" in this case, that breaks my heart even more, his children and wife.

If we are lucky and or strong, we will recover, we carry on.

...It's tough to say goodbye.

We can't prepare for's just sad. There are no words to ease this pain....none.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Death of a killer

They killed the DC sniper. I wrote about my encounter with them a while ago. I was lucky I didn't stop and talk to him. He wanted me too but he was wearing a flak jacket and way too many bullets and I got that feeling of "danger" from him. They were doing target practice behind my home in Blaine Washington. To come so close to a murdering man who was looking for women to kill that resembled me. I am so lucky and obviously it was not my time, yet. We all have a best before date stamped on our foreheads. We just hope and pray it isn't in a violent or say diseased prone way or painful. We all wish it were to happen during sleep when we are 120 years old. Or at least I do. I want to drift peacefully away or go in mid sentence. The way I can go on(I have so much to say) and on it most probably will be in mid sentence. I watched a clip of his ex-wife whom he dedicated his rampage to. He was killing the world as a symbol of his hatred for her. In a way he succeeded because she will always be thought of as the intended target and her children are now children of a serial killer. Tainted goods. I feel horrible for the victims who were at the wrong place at the wrong time and I pray to never have to deal with that trauma. Still he, the killer was a sick man undiagnosed. I suspect it was schizophrenia, so sad and harsh. I realize I first blogged about the desperate need of our societies world wide to respect psychology as a medical scientific fact and for every culture to provide help for those suffering from mental health issues, to be able to get assistance free of charge.

We are a species under siege. Psychologically under duress and we have not provided a safe haven to heal or an easy place to get help and it is costing us lives.

The massacre at Ft. Hood is another example.

No respect for the importance of mental health awareness and we suffer. Will suffer for a long long time until we admit that there is a need here.
Imagine if the DC killer had been medicated and maybe committed to an institution for the insane? Then maybe those people would be alive today.

Our overwhelmed military needs to help in this. I know that is a tall order instead of accepting theses disturbed people we need to help them. I know I am speaking of a world that doesn't exist. The military is desperate for bodies, sacrificial lambs to dispose of in senseless wars, who am I fooling?

Sad day for the victims; sad day for for everyone touched by mental illness.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


Recently someone was after me because I was late or hadn't added a new post. The thing is I am on the fence about what to do. It isn't too difficult to come up with topic but I do find my time filled up with other work things. Which is good. I am trying to write a book and it takes time also I feel sort of torn about how much Blog time to invest. I am not sure about value or productivity here. Doesn't everything have to be productive? so far or so I have convinced myself I am not in it for something, yet because of that I can easily let a day or two slip by and not write anything.
Listen, it is a honor to write something and have one person respond let along more then that or I get the biggest thrill when someone says I saved their lives and it was because of something written by me. That is priceless. Nothing fills me more with a bigger sense of purpose. I am not a scholar or academic or anything high flown. I am human and sometimes I can turn a sentence or two. My father is after me to write something. Of course that just bugs me to no end...for reasons I will not get into.

Still this is me wobbling around here with this fantastic communication tool, not yet owning it.

Please bear with soul, my experiences are here just itching to be shared and once I can get over my insecurities and neurosis I will appear or present material.

It is me, myself and I, that stand in my way...and I ask for patience please.

This woman is finding her footing.



Friday, November 6, 2009


Ah the delicate balance between leading and being a servant to a higher cause. Difficult and obviously not everyone is good at it. There are differing way to lead, some more effective then others. I personally like to have a leader, a captain, someone who is balanced and can guide me. Yet, I like to be a strong member of a team that in times of stress or need will allow me (if needed) to step up and lead. Temperamentally I don't have the patience to be a full time captain, or leader, too frank, too bossy. I can be quite cranky and emotional when I need to be calm. I am working on this flaw but it may not be mastered in this life time. So I never step up that way. Also I am not keen on transference. The passing on to me of every one's "stuff". It's bad enough being a celebrity. Where people gob on to you their ideals of perfection or in my case 'womanhood". It isn't very friendly and it makes for weird moments because no one not even Angelina Jolie can sustain your ideal of perfection. Not possible. No amount of physical or emotional or intellectual beauty will suffice. Perfection isn't a goal.

Still we do need to appreciate those who lead well.

Yes, we have had a few fantastic leaders in America's history. Today I think we have one currently in office, President Obama

I think Obama in spite of not attending to every one's needs is an amazing leader and I am happy he is our fearless leader.

The office of President and all of our governmental processes could use some work, some improvement, change campaign financing for instance. We have greatly improved things in Washington from the previous group who have mashed things up pretty bad giving our current President a TON of impossibles to overcome.

Okay that last bit may be too vague what are impossibles?

Health care (one pay), economic recovery, etc...tough stuff.

I know there are people who are personally ready to over throw him. who are so deeply offended by this African American liberal socialist. Thankfully these people are older and hopefully they will go away soon. We can't have everything...and I can live in a world that is tolerant of intolerance as long as they are not in office.

...That would be intolerable.

Thursday, November 5, 2009


When we play a tennis match I get pretty pumped up. Yes I do, in fact my biggest thing is calming down so I can be in the moment, so I can play my game. I fight like a warrior and enjoy the contest. It is in our DNA to do battle. I understand the fascination with guns and fighting and martial arts etc. It is a primal urge. I was watching a Vin Diesel film last night the second 'Riddick" I liked the production value, I thought it was high. The elemental character was also beautiful (the idea) the rest of the script seemed sort of far fetched and unfortunately not as organic as I would have liked. It made me appreciate the new Batman movies a lot. It shows how much work goes into making pretty starchy dialogue, moist and real. It wasn't the actors fault as much as the ear of the director. When you have a high effects film with enormous technical issues it is hard to keep track of the sentences being uttered. I know first hand. I am hoping to one day maybe work with Vin on something. I have a film for him that I wrote that I want him to star in. It's a hero's journey only it is a real human being from Earth. It must be a challenge to be a stud in films. I know it is very challenging for woman to be "it" or "the girl". For men the same, stud muffins, beefcakers all that muscle and probably "roid" use. I am not saying Mr. V uses them. Yet I get why some do. It is a LOT of pressure to be cut and enormous.

Subtlety is tougher then it looks, it's subtle.

I love watching movies though, sometimes if the script is really singing and it just works I will not look or watch the movie, instead I will just listen to it.

"Adaptation" the movie is a script I can listen to, it has transcendence.

That's what moves me transcendental dialogue and real emotions and ease, no "acting" or "blacking" or whatever people do out there in Hollywood.

Subtle is good.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


Maine repealed gay marriage...sad Mainers. Ruled by the fundamentalists. Only a weirdo would be invested in stopping two people who love each other and want to take their love to the next level. Only some hopped up judgemental creep would care one way or another. People who are law abiding and tax responsible citizens should be allowed to marry whether same sex or what have you. No I am not for underage marriage. I think we should visit the idea that people need to pass a test, get a license to be allowed to have children. Too many have children that cannot raise them properly or safely. Some sadly motivated by a long list a reasons none of them wholesome. Why aren't they fighting for that? These moral a-holes? Oh I know it opens up the argument of rights, and such. We need a license to drive, give massages to people, to administer services etc...but if we want we can bring a defenseless infant into the world, regardless of economic or emotional,psychological preparedness or health, crazy.

These same christian moralists need to eradicate slavery world wide or child abuse and or crimes against woman and children here domestically instead of legislation to prevent adults from expressing their love.

What is wrong with this picture?

We have friends whose eldest daughter is mesmerised by her christian group. The Pastor sounds like a cult leader and from the stories of his elevated sense of character and his families, I reckon this is a cult. My heart goes out to them because when and if she survives this group she will be bruised and hurt.
We get suckered into cults because we want something. Usually it's God's love and a sense of belonging to something important.

I say practise love when ever and where ever we can and one of the first most Loving things we can do as a society is allow adults to marry in peace and with societal support regardless of sexual orientation.

My vote is in and I say allow gay marriage.

Monday, November 2, 2009


A big fire in a fireplace makes me smile and I must say is almost more welcoming then anything else. We entered my BF's family home last night where his Dad had made a fire. We instantly melted into the soft sofa happy. The cooler temps mean a lot to me. I love dressing for weather ,being in it and the colors smells and emotions. Oh sure some of the holiday drama I could do without but outside where it is obvious we are tumbling into winter I get happy excited.

No matter what happens with the President I read headlines that are negative and of course what this administration is doing we all know will never satisfy everyone , it's impossible. I have a Christmas wish of complete withdrawal from over "there" why that is wrong I still can't fathom.

I think everyone would benefit from the US pulling out of Iraq and Afghanistan. I think everyone one who is against it is entrenched in their thinking attachment to the idea of winning.

No one is winning anything any time soon.

Finally my lovely cousin's husband had a massive heart attack this weekend he is in the ICU. She is afraid and worried and there is nothing we can do except pray and trust and love them.

Who do I pray to and for what? I pray to the creative forces or energy that I want or hope exists outside of the little "I".

I ask for understanding and enlightenment, clarity of this frightening situation.

With all of my heart and soul I give thanks for all of the love that surrounds us.