Wild Dreamer

I have been having crazy dreams the last few nights in each everything is tender. The people in my dream are sweet to me and each other and there is a lot of sensuality. I had one dream yesterday that had Mick jagger in it when I first met him, young sexy and very soft and sweet. We were in a city on a hill that had groovy restaurants and bars we had a choice so we chose one that had a jazz band. I had the desire to pay for a drink for him because he always paid so he ordered a bourbon as did my friend who was with us. So the waitress took our orders then took my credit card and was gone for a long time. I went in search of her and when I found her she was shy and said the drinks your friends ordered were more than your credit card limit. So the waitress called another one of my friends and he paid the bill. I was appalled and asked how much was this bill for three drinks she says 1000.00. I am shocked and ask her why so much for three drinks and she tells me the bourbon was rare. Then she leaves me frustrated and stressed that someone else pays the/my bill. That same person my friend doesn't have that much money either. I know why is my limit so low? It is because I like it low I spend less. In my dream I don't get my card back or the drinks. I didn't know what to do so for the rest of this dream I struggled with fulfilling the order or letting Mick know he has to pay because he can, he has cash, a lot of it! I don't see him or my friend for the rest of the dream or the waitress for that matter and I spend the rest of that dream worried about my card. Think it's stress money stress? I do... Money my achilles heel. We are about to shoot The Celebrant on a shoestring budget in less than two months and every penny is so valuable. I am almost unable to sleep with casting, locking locations and hiring legal,and,so stressed because all this and I have to act as well...These last ten days have been intense and silly and excellent and deep so I cannot complain but it seems like every day is intense and the global news bears this out. I am certain we are on the cusp of a massive global shift, it is happening. I am having a massive global shift here in my skin,life,world. The kind of change that uproots and disrupts the status quo. Maybe it is just me, only and this fabulous adventure is about to start making my show and it will get very deep and crazy. I am about to get the ride of my life and it will not easy but it will be good for me. You know what they say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. What I think is what doesn't kill us is waiting to pounce later!

Character

There are moments in my life where I can say it was changed for the better and dramatically. This has happened a few times so far and recently. The Oprah flap has been harsh and also a blessing in a weird way. For one thing it made me kick myself in the butt and shed some unwanted pounds. I have to say I have taken my foot off the gas when it comes to my chunk. Mind you I come from a family that has a fat fetish where fat is VERY BAD. I sort of grew up resenting the idea of always having to be hot literally I have scars regarding the effort of making sure men like me. I find it soul crushing always fighting to be a sex symbol and now I am no longer that. Praise be to gawd... I am happily just a woman. Still for my knees that are singing and popping and crunching on the court I MUST shed my chunk. Besides we cannot be calling anyone fat if we are fat! It is tough as hell at 52 to shed weight and I happen to be on thyroid meds since I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's not fun but necessary. Okay still my life is blessed and I think I have survived the whole hideous Oprah ordeal so far. The recent headlines regarding O's so called flap in a purse store in Switzerland have made me wonder aloud if indeed the whole thing was made up to avoid any and all questions about the TMZ thing? Since not one outlet has asked me to speak well that isn't true some very small outlets asked but I think it too juicy to just go anywhere and speak. I think my story warrants a good outlet (national exposure) call me crazy or none at all. If I speak I want it to be a bigger outlet and smart, whip smart. People have said let it go...I should let it all go and I will soon but it isn't going away and I think the woman if she is being maligned in Switzerland has a case a rather public case...meanwhile I promise I don't want to be on the attack. I just want the truth and the truth about Oprah and me, that is all. I have lived a rather full life and I am grateful for it and with this latest dust up which I caused by being so FRANK about a rather painful episode in my history now today it feels like vindication. Why and why not move on? Well because you try enduring strangers calling you horrendous names because they heard you said something awful that you didn't say? Awful, painful and unfair because I have a much smaller stage and apparently everyone is afraid of the most powerful woman in the universe apparently everyone except me. Fascinating!

Dead horse

To further slog to death a subject that may be the defining event of my life which would be sad...and so tragic but I have no recourse since I am not on a press tour so since this is one of the only public forums I have I just want to once again clear somethings up: NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO BELIEVE BUT I NEVER CALLED OPRAH THE N WORD...EVER!!! I never called Oprah a Field N word. I used (unfortunately) the graphic language to show contrast to her massive success. Yet NEVER did I say she was the N word. CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF. Never did I call her the N word...nor did I say she acted anything like the N word. I said I found her to be a brown noser, vile and a bitch when we worked together 28 years ago... So you may believe TMZ or you can actually ask me. If my opinion of Oprah has created a problem well...what can I do. It is a dead horse but rumor and I say rumor has it even she is saying I called her the N word at every turn on every show she has appeared on. For the record I have a pretty confident vocabulary and I did not call her THAT! The dead horse...that will not go away.

The Spirit

It is irritating to read these angry messages about my jealousy against Oprah.If life were a contest to see who got the most I lose hands down. So much so that I giggle at the thought of competition it is like being a minnow to a whale. Yeah I said whale...okay sure I regret giving the tabloids fodder (my use of the N word) but the context was correct. I told a story of being bullied by Oprah and hells bells all sorts of rubbish was heaped my way. The majority of the folks trashing me have no idea what was originally stated to cause the so called uproar which brings me to another point, since when can't a person tell the story of an experience? Oh my brother in law said I sinned in the eyes of many because I offered an opinion of why...why would Oprah do the things she did to me. Well it's just my opinion and last I check we are allowed one. I suppose the folks who are racially upset at me for uttering the N word in the same story as Oprah, these same souls who cannot for the life of them do research or care to investigate, they just go all out ghetto on me!!! Oh yeah I said that too...At the end of the day no one wants to make people feel pain and somewhere in my heart I have to search for that place where I "get off" by causing trouble??? I promise I am investigating it. Trust me I do get a kick out of stirring the proverbial pot. I am sickened by the so called good behavior that is choking our culture, the shallow correctness that is stifling any true depth of thinking. Oh I am sure my manners could use a brush up and I could just shut the hell up...only I would say it in a harsher way using the F word. Maybe, maybe I should not be surprised if the church ladies shun me for being just too wild. Damn I love me some church ladies and I am not kidding...okay I do and I say this honestly I do feel sadness that so many people listen to and read the gossip mags and so believe what they are told. That crushes me and I sit here in my house pondering this. Wow too sad, I am sad to make you sad. Yet I cannot take back my opinions nor do I want to. No, I don't expect to ever sit and have a BS chat with Oprah anytime soon. Mind you miracles can and do happen. Am I a bitter, jealous, evil; sheboon? You bet and I am a gorgeous, generous, spirited, person too