When we are wounded in childhood, emotionally, physically, psychically the shock is unmeasurable the response devastating and for most to survive it a complex defense system is instantly created. Flash forward to adulthood and if the person hasn't investigated in a safe but in depth way for a prolonged time then the system is pretty much intact. So it makes deconstructing the now outmoded defenses impossible. Hence we are stuck and incapable of changing and growing so in essence a HUGE majority of our population is functioning from a 3 or 5 year olds (a child's) wounded psyche. Being physically mature does not equal emotional or intellectual maturity. Plus this reality of our retarded growth reflects and can be measured by the damage we can wreak on our children. Example damaged people can be extremely narcissistic. With un-investigated wounds, and there is an infinite number of places were our immaturity acts out. Most of us are not lucky, we are walking wounded doing major damage continuing the horrid cycle of abuse. Yet some of us have the inner guidance to get help. I was reading a cover story about a very famous actor whose adult child is about to go to prison for drug trafficking for at least 15 years. The actor blithely explained his guilt at not making the child as he was growing up priority. My first thought was since he also mentioned that this was his story, his dad who is an actor ignored him until he didn't. The moment they reconnected this man was healed or helped. Conversely his own child never got the chance or didn't respond to the opportunity to connect when it was offered. So he deftly dodged the real bullet. He blamed a flawed child for not getting it like he did. Narcissistic? You bet! It bothered me to no end reading this because although I know this actor means well, he is missing the boat. I feel he isn't even touching what is this enormous opportunity for him to investigate HIS real wounds and HIS true involvement with his tragically soon to be incarcerated adult child.
Are you with me?
I heard another devastating story about another power couple who now have grown children who are in and out of prison. This same couple refuse or maybe cannot correctly see what is indeed the truth about why they and their children are now in hell. Going to prison or probation meetings can't be easy on anyone. Being successful is measured in finances in most of society but I think it should be measured in deeper markers. Like how are our relationships? How many friends do we have? What is the level of mental, emotional health of our relationships within our intimate family? How are the people in the immediate family thriving or not? The fact that Hollywood and the rest of global society measures wealth as true markers of success is shallow and wrong. Health measured in fiscal or monetary levels misses the point or is one small fraction of the picture. I reckon since it is an icky, hard but worthy journey therapy and or spiritual questing that most don't do it. Or worse don't know they can do it and maybe should. Yet if we all were made to take a test before breeding to measure our readiness to have children. If we were encouraged as adults to really investigate and understand whether we were fully mature? It would head off a lot of grief. I think religion was designed in its highest form to help with this accountability but it has failed. No, I think spirituality and psychology melded together is the closest we can come to getting clear about out personal responses and therefore our damage and the design of our coping structures. Reading this article about the famous yet failed father, I realized that it's most of us. We will fail as parents if we don't/cannot allow maturity within ourselves first. The buck starts here.
We must get inside and face our demons and not judge or feel shame or be scared and hello? Those wounds, those ugly (so we think) demons are always there, the never go away. Then for most of us as we age we get better at lying to ourselves. All of the hardship is good, this is grace because if we didn't have to maintain vigilance on our journey called life to be a whole compassionate person then I think life becomes boring and monochromatic and that is not a life worth living. No a life full of continuous growth both inner and outer makes this dance a lot more interesting and for me...I need interesting.