My family isn't normal in fact it is based on much pain and misery and if I were to break it down slavery or the escape from slavery. Still my people struggled and strived and in some places flourished. It doesn't discount the immense psychic or emotional toll it has taken on all of us. Being mixed and racially "other", adopted and then abandoned. Stuff that makes me a very complicated soul. I am ever grateful for all of this "color" it has shaped this soul, it has honed my skills. Which are still unfolding and honing as we speak. One of the grandest gifts all of this living has given me is a greater capacity for love. Not only in receiving it, but giving it. I must say it is a by product of the willingness to work. The willingness to re-educate myself and learn the rules of engagement emotionally. The rules of love universally. So in fact, all of the hardship, abandonment, shame and misery is worth it. If it gets us to a place where we can fall in love with life and ourselves and those we come in day to day contact. Life is good.
Still one of my most difficult places where I still have raw emotional bits hanging out is with/around my Father. The funny guy. I want to separate myself from him and punish him and yet I don't. I love him...like mad. I am going to say something which many people will think insane but I mean it, serious as a heart attack. Until we can find how reflective everything in our lives is...in other words his crimes against me are crimes I commit myself against both myself and HIM. He is me and I am him. I will never be able to call myself whole. We cannot separate ourselves from any aspect of our lives. It is all US. Even Hitler. UGH...painfully true.
Oh people will argue and disagree but it is the only way through and into and out the other side to love. We cannot experience true forgiveness if we are separate if we hold anyone guilty.
I am not saying people don't do heinous things to us.
They do and we reflect those same things first in order to have them happen to us.
Ahhhh so complicated.
Somewhere it is true...so in fact even as childern/souls we allow or choose to be victim.
I hear the protests but I hold this as true.
I chose Tommy Chong to be my dad and I got a lot of action some great, a lot not so great...nothing like complicated issues to crack open a well guarded heart.
I am here to learn one thing and one thing only.
I can honestly say I am feeling it.