Reviewing a recent family gathering I video taped I noticed I talk too much ( why I am not sure) and for some nervous reason I slip into baby voice to be (adorable) but to me sounds psychotic. I don't know about you but I am certain it is a way to off set nerves and it doesn't work.The talking too much has always been an issue. Honestly I don't need that much attention but its a habit. I get manic...poor me. I also noticed our expressions and in my family some of us are worried all of the time so they don't realize it but their expressions are serious and almost death mask-ish. I am certain me and my beloved are the source of it. Why? because I am a narcissist and I think everything is my fault. I know life is scary and I for one live right on its edge but is it worth a set face that looks miserable. No, but I am certain we have leaned on family these past few years too much and we are taking more then we are giving. I am in pain about that. We are funny creatures and we are lovingly filled with I will use a poker word "tells". We let our deepest fears and secrets show all the time, it leaks out. So this year I would love to be more responsible and independent and caught up. I would love to not slip out of my body as much...and I would love to know that we don't have to leave ourselves to tolerate a gathering of any kind, especially with family. Hard to do no doubt, but listening to myself on the family video I suspect I am empathic and therefore a wee bit too aware of stuff, emotions judgements etc... I need not be or maybe I am guilty and feeling awkward and noticing the stress I cause others; something like that. Another funny thing happened just a few days ago. I lost a pal, a young man who was my friend...but after a few bottles of red wine I let out my deepest beliefs and they rubbed up against his in the most interesting way and I am certain I horrified him. I have very bohemian ideas about life, money and relationships (monogamy) and how it functions and my part in it, my ideas and beliefs are naughty or against the common rules, maybe even sinful. I saw his idea of me fall far off the pedestal and you know I don't mind being toppled off any pedestal but I noticed, I noticed it. He has left my life I feel it and I know I horrified him...Ha.
Kill the Buddha means something. No worries, I have enough friends.
I know it is not my job to be involved in what you think about me...that it is insanity.
Still it pains me that to think I cause concern from some areas of my life and I need to sort that out. I don't want to be the cause of concern I want to be a contributor.
My New Years resolution to give more, especially calm.