Monday, May 18, 2009

Black swan

Is a book on the highly improbable and it's impact. Which is something very smart educated folks have a hard time forecasting. In fact it is impossible making it all the more devastating when things like 9/11 happen. When I finish it I will give my opinion at the moment I am too involved and still mid book. I am also reading a book about two writers who were best friends. One being quite physically handicapped (no lower jaw) but outgoing and the other being shy introverted but whole and quite pretty. They both struggled to make it as writers and maintain their friendship and so far so good but stuff happens and it is all quite sad.

I welcome sadness it helps me to be softer and more compassionate toward myself and others. My go to personality is sunny and underneath this is a fault line of sadness. There is nothing to complain about and yet there is...always something we can sit down and gripe about or the fear of losing my grasp.

Maybe it comes from being adopted and kind of a permanent guest or at least that is how I was raised. Never quite welcomed more tolerated. My take on things.

It's difficult to be a great friend.I fancy I am a great friend there is nothing I wouldn't do for my friends. I know when my pals want to give me hard information like don't eat so fast (I do) stopping drinking before I feel drunk (sometimes) I am impossible, I get upset, not so much because people are wrong (they never are) because I have been discovered. They have seen where I am broken and afraid.

Aging isn't easy not so much because it just marches on and there is no stopping time. It is hard because for me I almost never know what I really look like or feel like or think even. I am always caught a little outside myself "that's what I look like"?

It feels bad...I know most people are the same that doesn't bring comfort. In fact that is a bullshit saying "misery enjoys company" no misery wants a break and needs distraction.

Yet it isn't normal to be always aware of everything exactly either, balance. What do we do when we know how someone is going to turn out? Do we offer our predictions?

No we don't because like a "Black Swan" there could be something glorious like improbability, proving it all could come right and they could succeed against all odds.

Gathering facts with common sense and knowledge doesn't factor in the improbable, or it's possibility. I like that it gives me hope for me and my friend.


frenchwoman said...

it is terrifying what you can write sometimes, to read you I have the impression to have a mirror in front of me, really, that is not pleasant and is comforting at the same time. it is splendid today that you write all that, that makes me cry, tomorrow I would probably laugh at it.
You know, of reading somebody that one does not know except by the media or films or other is interesting because I discover a “normal” person and that returns still more sympathetic nerve to you
I do not know if you are conscious of the impact that some of your words, some of your sentences can resound at the reader, as when sometimes we meet a book which touches us deeply and which makes us re-examine our painful and marvellous existence; I do not know if you write for you only while depositing your felt, can be, but today you have to hustle my frame of mind which is sometimes difficult to hold out of water.


glt said...

Damn change. But it's understandable. Still sad like when your first car goes to the junkyard.
...and faceless friends.

Your perfect reasoning on blueheart being ok is very soothing to the savage breast.

To me 'aging sucks' was like growing pains in reverse...I think it's a passing phase. 'Cradle wood and coffin wood are both carved from the same pine tree' Life's a full circle game.

Cheers! and good luck in Bloggsville!

Rae Dawn Chong said...

I will keep going on Aging I think it is biting in our society and as usual we just don't get things right.

I am hoping we evolve a bit faster before the polar ice melts.

I can dream

glt said...

Damn right! We bite with AGEISM!
Focusing so intensely on youth is stupid...I think it's mainly because they're so inexperienced they will go out and buy all the silly soon-to-be-obsolete gadgets and keep the economy flowing for the greed-mongers...Think of the pressure it puts on kids to do something and "be somebody" when we place all the burden on them rather than balance the realm with wisdom of age. It's not fair either way.

It's also possible that the poorer folks tend to overpopulate households because they know nobody else's kids will care for them when they are too old to care for themselves. Not to mention being the butt of gross out jokes in movies and tv...!!! It's sickening.

Yeah, we're both dreamers, me thinks. Here's hoping it doesn't become more of a nightmare...most of the food at my Walmart comes from China or Mexico...who knows what's in it? And the big trucks and suvs in my once sleepy little town roar around bumper to bumper like the LA freeway at rush hour.

Time may not be on our side anymore.