Friday, August 21, 2009

The mix

Yesterday I was asked to write about abuse, I have written quite a lot actually and it isn't easy since I have very tough feelings about how we live and why and where things source from. Many people would kill me if they could because I try with all of my might not to uphold the idea or the belief of victim. This causes apoplectic spasm of blame and hatred to spew forth at me which although I think I can handle it, I do at times feel sad that we still hold out on/for the VICTIM ticket. Now there is a reason I am such a tough proponent for "self responsibility" this isn't because I am a sadist or insensitive or stupid although I can be all of those things too. I try to empower.

I find it essential in this journey called "life" that we find the "key' the nuclear center of each and every one of us. I am desperate for everyone to "get" their good, to discover their own power. To find their sweet spot to adore and use that endless source of greatness that each of us possess.
It empowers me to know you are there or getting there. I get off thinking about the wonders that can be accomplished when a person discovers that they are "it".
So when I am asked to write about abuse or murder and it's horror I get frustrated because I sense a sort of victim "club" in the mix. This "they were so innocent , blah blah blah", I am not saying that children and women who have forgotten themselves and are powerless and or beaten to death are not in serious need. Do not misunderstand me...but I ask from day one, from thought one, from idea one...when do we begin to take responsibility of our experiences? I say NOW, NOW , NOW.
In any event there are micro moments where maybe we could turn around , leave, say no, or simply wake up and find a way out!

...Or even more complicated maybe what it is, is what is needed in the broader perspective, we will never know since broader perspective is wider then we can see!

Having worked for a few months speaking and raising money for "Surviving families of homicide victims" I learned that there is a much deeper mechanism involved in the path of an individuals life and it is not my job or yours to decide what is a good death or a bad death. That it is the "story" we attach and use that determines our own understanding and healing process and it's time line. That we can "milk' any event or we can learn and move on and grow up from it, understanding that we may never understand how "these things happen". So to address abuse is one of my least favorite subjects because it is complicated and it isn't easy and it is NOT black or white.

I believe we have the absolute power over everything in our "story" and if it isn't a pretty picture and or if we have forgotten this key (or cannot know it) then we start there...but I don't believe in victims.

I believe in creatures who create through vibratory resonance.
Not easy to understand and it is a lonely ideology but it is what I believe.

There are no victims, just confusion on both sides.


Bobby said...

Thanks for writing about this. YES I understand what letting yourself become a victim means
In 1963 my mother left my home. I was by myself at age 6 in a huge house. Years abused by brothers and an older sister made me a victim. I am a clown by nature! My mother was remarried and her husband beat her,tried to stab her with a buck knife and chopped up her 15,000 dollar, Hammond Organ.He tore up 94 evening gowns. She was an Union Musician. Mom came home 10yrs for protection from dad and her five sons. This man walked into a night club and shot her 3 times.
Everything in my life changed. I imagine also for the rest of my siblings. My sister was on her honeymoon and we had to tell her to come home.
The morning of my mothers death we had an argument and I refused to talk to her again. She left our home in tears. Twelve hours later she was murdered. I felt cheated. I was only sixteen and harboured some real harsh feelings about this as I felt it was her fault she allowed my brothers to abuse me. The abused lasted 10 yrs. For 36 years I felt I had abused my own mother. Funny how life and time seemed to wear off many of the layers to expose the truth. I blamed myself for years. I found myself all alone. I began to look into my own world and found out how it all became a part of the abuse my mother received. Her and I had become victims of the same man. My life now is pretty much all alone but I have allowed comedy to help me push through and gain friends. I refused to be a part of this abuse that a sick man had cursed on our family. My father had died I was living in the streets and there was no horizon. I found two comedians whom I loved to laugh at and with and it help repair me. You are a actress and understand what you get from making others smile. I am now trying to someone (Not you)to hook me up so I can shoot this movie. I will use most of the proceeds to build a Battered Women's Shelter. I have highered a female Architect to design it as I have built houses for 30yrs but no one ever asked me to build it personally for a man or women. I truly learned was Mom was quiet about most of it. The first sign of physical or mental abuse is your key to say FU Im out of here. My mothers name was Beverly Hope Gallagher. I want to name this shelter "Beverly's Esperanza" which means Beverly's Hope. Many women becomes vicitms at the abuse of others. But I am convinced if you let it end there you will flourish as a human being.
There is a silent abuser that comes along with men or women whom are abused and it abuses your family. It turns them into abusers as they dont see what is happening and unleashes the beast. I was bad because I was only concered by my own selfishness. I blamed her and in reality I abused her as well in a time when she was down and needed my support. SHAME ON ME. How can I repair and put a stop to the chain of violence that was created from one single persons event? I am going paralyzed from the neck down right now and crippled from the waist down. Its a race for me now. My mother never hurt anyone and one mistake cost not only her her life
I allowed myself to become victim without even knowing.For all of you out there whom love Rae, please remember. She must protect herself from possible predators absusers and nutcases. Even though you may not be one She has no way of knowing who is so please be patient with her.The Papparazzi are abusers in their own. When you buy tabloids you support those abusers. This is very hard for me to write you all of this right now because of my feelings of the past. You are only a victim if you stay around and except it. I for one will not be a vicitim any longer. A true comedian is someone whom can make you cry laughing while you try to laugh covering up your own crying. I'd just want to make the world laugh!
But for now I will continue my struggle for peace. Thanks for letting me comment.
I was wrong mom and I will fix it before I come home or I'll die trying. I promise!
Your lil clown

Tony Carrington said...

Wow Bobby and Rae, thanks to you both for sharing those stories and those truths of the deepest kind.

Bobby, your story really touched my heart and if it's any consolation at all then in my soul I really really feel that in a way you're "fixing it" each time you make someone laugh or smile (I feel that someone is smiling on you right now . . Jah Bless) Another one of my favorite quotes says that, "When you see a tear on a cheek then you know that a heart has been touched," and your story put a tear on my cheek.

Rae, I feel very similar to what you've written about the victim and I've also had to take a fair bit of abuse for my views. None the less, I'd love to see everyone make the choices that prevent them from being labeled a victim. A whole lot of life is in our control, whether people choose to accept this or not, and rather than get too wordy, I'd like to offer another favorite quote:

"True Charity looks at the need before the cause."

Even though we can't stop people from "becoming victims" I still feel that it's a good move to work with everyone while we all move towards overcoming unfortunate choices..

glt said...

Bobby your story doesn't ring true in the're buying the victim mentality...the opposite of what Rd's suggesting.

Bobby said...

Since I was the one whom asked Rae to comment she did.I'm thankful for that and for being able to participate. Because Rae has an opinion on a blog does not make what she says true for all of us or etched in stone. She is talking her own personal belief. The fact that you would even make such a comment to me is Rude Embarrasing and basically just arrogant.Your calling me a liar about my mother? People like you need to find some reason to start arguing even if you are not involved. There are people out there whom are victims. They do it all right and still get the abuse. Ive seen it for a half a century now.
You have no idea who I am or what my life has consisted of You read my story to Rae blog and then add a BS comment. What's your purpose in life? Are you a person that causes the Trouble or the Vicitm.(protagonist or Antagonist) This is where you say neither! You'll claim to be righteous! My story isnt about Rae's Story Its about my story so before you start snipe hunting DON'T

glt said...

You're right, Bobby. Poor direction and word choices on my part. I apologize. I wish the best for you.