Monday, July 20, 2009

Gonna's

It isn't important to be heard or believed or agreed with, really. I notice that when I need outside input or support I am in deep trouble. Yesterday one or two people commented on the thread or blog topic and I felt fine about it but some felt slighted expecting something. I guess I have little expectation and I hope it isn't from the negative place but from an understanding. My evolution isn't yours and what I know is just that my "story' of things and chances are very high that I am wrong and so are YOU. Still it's revealing and fun to banter, share and listen, to watch others and enjoy the filter that each of us are. The differences are what gives us stimulus and that is life, living. For instance today it is scheduled that I speak to part of my family. Well the history between my Father, his wife and their family and my family (sis and other Mom)is deep and sorted and probably not unusual. Still it's complicated. I think fascinating material to do a show with and why not?. I am not expecting my show to happen because growing up my father was a "Gonna" this is pronounced "Gunna". A Gonna is a person who promises to do stuff but always cancels. Something happens every time. This is the way. So he says "yes I would love to do this or that" and lo and behold...he flakes. It's a fascinating trait, its all about power and yes it wasn't that great when I was a child to deal with. Being an adult it's easier to handle although I catch myself being less cranky and resentful when it happens and it does happen still. I will have my moments of regression. Something shifted lately for me. I am less charged by them his family and kind of understand the core deal...they are just doing the best they can, like all of us. So why be hurt or emotional about anything. He is getting on and I am getting on and life is tough and why be invested. Still he is "Dad" and unfortunately we have ideas about them. How they should act toward us and be, poor dads.

I am not certain what today holds and I don't care to know, I will let it unfold.
I may be pleasantly surprised and I may not!

Ha!

18 comments:

glt said...

Mine had to die before I felt any relief from them. Best thing that ever happened to me. Better than being born.

Jeff from Maine said...

We are imperfection sailing through an imperfect world. There are no manuals for living, loving and interacting, and absolutely no excuses when we fail at each.The only thing we can do is hold ourselves to high enough standards in order to disappoint as few people as possible while still feeling good about ourselves. Life is hard. The important thing is that we live in it spending as little time looking backward with regret and as much time as possible looking forward with hope and excitement at what it possible.

glt said...

Jeff? While I agree with your future sentiments, there is one manual that defines us as imperfect.
It involves two peeps eating a forbidden apple, of all things!
Have we been brainwashed as a species ever since? Personally, I cannot prove or disprove one God, or many gods. Like you say, we are in charge of the present, which leads to the future while becoming the past...cheers! my friend.

Kim said...

I feel you, Rae Dawn.

Tony said...

One of the most profound statements I've ever heard is the saying that, "There's only one of us.." (and that one is not necessarily me :-) If there is only One of us, then any outside input is just my input, coming from another me. And with that being said, I hope you don't mind my input. We pick our friends, and in a way, we pick our family as well. Blood or otherwise. All things being God, and God being multiple personalities (a schizo of the highest order), then each of us are one of those personalities, and we all have a chosen path to struggle with. Another saying that comes to mind is the one that goes, "God never put me in troubled waters to drown me, but rather to cleanse me." My own Father, God rest his soul, was not so much of a Gunna as he was a Dunna. He did what he said he would do, but he said very little. He never said that he'd attend any of the many sporting events that I participated in throughout high school and college, and with that he didn't. He never said he'd do this or that with me or my siblings or my Mother, and he didn't. He separated from my Mother 15 years ago and he separated from this earth one year ago, and he said that he was going to do both of these things on the very day that he did them. Funny thing is, he wasn't my "real" Father. He married my Mom when I was three years old and he adopted me and my brothers, and in his last days on this earth I adopted him since his heart failed to support his body for the last year and a half of his life. I had to babysit a man who fought through world war two while fighting through the racism of his fellow soldiers. A strong man, a self-made man, a grass roots man who took no sh*t from no one. And if you hear my Mother and my brothers and my sister tell it, he was a Gunna in their eyes. Funny how that happens. And although I didn't agree with his "me against the world" philosophy, I respected him (and love him) as a man of his word. And how does this apply to your blog post? If you can humor me one last time, there's another quote that goes, "Sometimes the only Bible a person may ever read, is the one they read from your life." Perhaps your Father and your Family are meant to read from your life. Perhaps you are the Mother and they are the children who nourish themselves from your soul. Perhaps there is joy in knowing that your Father and your Family were blessed by you being with them, in them, and they in you, and that you "chose" your family before you were born, because they were to learn from you and you from them. Sometimes we learn the most by seeing what not to do. Sometimes we learn what we need to learn at the exact moment we need most to learn it. Sorry for the ramble. I pray it may be a pleasant surprise. And in the wonderful words of the basketball player Charles Barkley, I may be wrong, but I doubt it :-)

Jah Bless.

tameem said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
tameem said...

I've never felt how much fathers care for their kids. My father treated me like a man even when I was a little kid. He wanted me to grow up as a man and not to depend on anyone but myself in this life. I'm almost 31 years old now and my dad's been living in another country for almost 5 years and for the first time I do miss him very much. He was almost my age when I was born...my point is: Was it good for me to be treated not so kindly growing up that I became the man I am today? I think I'm gonna treat my kids the way my Dad treated me but I wanna know if that would be good for them or not. My Dad treats me good now but is it too late for him to do that? All I know that I miss him so much, its been a year since the last time I saw him. God bless you, Dad and all the fathers in the world. I hope someday I can make you proud.

glt said...

Tony, I like you're theory of one big schizo being, as long as critters, plants, dirt, water, stars, etcetera, are included, and our goal is to integrate ourselves into a mentally healthy creature and cease with the infighting.

My father and many others like him couldn't grasp the theory in a million lifetimes, tho. One example of science proving the theory wrong is in the oft poo pooed but most ancient study of astrology. Those born with their sun in aries are all about individual ego. This is the first sign of the zodiac, the sign of birth, and the ego is necessary to learn survival. Astrology supports the theory that we are each unique individuals and that there are an equal number of bad, negative planetary aspects constantly spinning and changing quite predictably, as there are good, positive aspects.

It's too farfetched for me to believe we have a consciousness before birth, let alone before conception. Life just happens, luck of the draw, until proven otherwise. I like it that way because all theories are still possible and fun to ponder.

Peace and good will.

Tony Carrington said...

Thanks GLT. There are, after all, a schizo load of theories :-) and thank God we have free will to pick and chose. To take the ones that tickle our fancy, and leave the ones that belong to the someone elses. Like an all-you-can-eat buffet :-) My theory does include all things seen (and unseen). I tried to explain my theories to my Father before he crossed over. He was so weak that all he could do was listen and smile as I fed him dinner and theories. I believe that God took little pieces of Godself and created everything in the universe, including the wide variety of egos. And upon our first birth God erased the memory of our one-ness, allowing us to find our own way back to mentally healthy creatures. Like the lost ant who knows there's a scent of a trail home out there somewhere. One of the reasons I feel that there's a consciousness before birth is that when I was of grade school age, my soul left my body several times on out of body experiences at night. I even saw my brother take one of my albums in another room one night and upon awaking I quickly went to get it back. My brother was shocked that I knew. So since I've felt what it was like to exist without a body, I also felt that I existed before the young body that I saw sleeping and drooling on my bed as I left the scene of the crime :-) I have occassional glimpses of myself convening in a "soul group" as I await a next life, like comic writers deciding on the skit of the day. Even though it's hard to prove. And like deja-vu, I remember feeing that I'd write this post one day :-)

Jah Love

Tony Carrington said...

..unfortunately I didn't deja-vu that I'd mispell "feeling" in my last sentence :-)

Tony Carrington said...

..or misspell mispell

glt said...

Hey! Are you two Tonys of the same faith? Jah, isn't that God(from Jehovah?). Ha ha. I see my air is surrounded by water(astrologically). Two pisces and a scorpio. Water signs are female, air is male, so herein lies some differences. I don't about "group souls", I have doubts, but then again that's only for water signs, or female signs, or some other grouping. I don't remember leaving my body when I was a kid, but I had a very strong experience at 23 during the peak of love-making. My "human" intellect part of the mind went straight up to the ceiling and observed the room with me and my lover all entangled. This "human" part was very worried and stressed out and didn't stay separate for long. Meanwhile at the same time, my body retained self=knowledge in the form of instinctual animal joy...not a worry in the world. From this experience I could theorize all sorts of things. One of my favorites is that, I freed myself temporarily from evil alien psychic implants, or perhaps millenium of religious brainwashing, and returned to mankind's primal and true state. But then, libra is also a cardinal sign, so maybe that just works for us. The problem with modern society is trying to force everyone to play by the same rules, eat the same foods(see blood type diet), believe the same faiths. We're each very complicated mixes, and if I were younger it would be an interesting chore to sort it all out for the world. But alas, I've been told by psychics and a numerologist that I have no karma and am on my last lifetime. That has always felt right to me. So, I just spread little seeds of wisdom or insanity and see if they sprout for future generations to choke on. har har!
Namaste

P.S. I know! it's difficult to proof read these things...I'm not going to do it on this one! Hope it's understandable.

Tony Carrington said...

Just one Tony (for now). I had a gmail account and when I tried to post my first post here gmail must have created a second account for me. I hate when that happens :-) Jah is the Rastafarian name for the Supreme Being. And isn't the term "Modern Society" a sideways sort of oxymoron. Reminds me of a t-shirt I saw recently, "U.S. Department of Redundancy Department"..

Rama, Rama (go Obama :-)

glt said...

TC? I was referring to my old facebook friend TB, who posts here under the name Tony. See his profound comment above...with you, that make two Tonys.

I think the term modern is flexible...I meant as opposed to primitive societies.

Cool on Jah, but I still think the word is derived from the old testament Jehovah. In fact "Jah" was actually used somewhere in it...i read it somewhere...

cheers, I'm out for now.

Tony Carrington said...

The post above, from Tony, is mine also. I don't know why it didn't show my last name on my first post??

glt said...

Wow , you are correct..you sound a lot like Tony B in that post. Getting senile here, perhaps.

Tony Carrington said...

That just supports my theory that "we're all one" :-)

Tony Bunn said...

Interesting stream :o).

Reading this post, particularly after having inside information as to how the day would turn out, I'm reminded of my father's similar predilections.

What I find to be somewhat a thread that runs through the instances of guys who act in this "Gonna Do" fashion is that they fall somewhat under the command of the capricious --- becoming "womanized" through attempts to womanize. Their discipline and integrity often suffer tremendously, as they attempt to counter-balance the competing interests of the women they enjoy "servicing".


At this immediate moment, I'm flooded with the thought that, counter to the apparent freedom enjoyed by the man who jumps from flower to flower, there is instead almost a complete surrender to the whim of the women that one occasions; and thus, the attendant diminution in one's general discipline ensues.

The somewhat new (at least, to me, in this moment) concept of one's being "multiply-pussy-whipped" comes to mind, as I remember how my father stood me (when I was a child, and beyond) up on countless occasions; and my brother (of another mother) described yet the same experience with his father.

In my father's case (get this one!), he actually instigated the birth of two sons named "Robert" (amongst the total of 4 children, of his blood); the oldest named "Robert Anthony" (me) and the younger named "Robert Jeffrey" --- both of whom grew up to become bassists. Also, these sons would not come to know (or know of) one another until they'd almost reached adulthood; despite the fact that they lived within 2 miles of one another. That last tidbit I find to be somewhat unfortunate.

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