Something tells me that my upcoming family event (a Wedding) is going to bring me to my knees in a myriad of ways. I will have to wrestle the urge to want to kill, my various killable family members (all) I am certain. I will want to curl up in the fetal position and weep like a baby as I watch my one and only child /man take his girlfriend and make her his wife. I will struggle all day with wanting to drown my sorrows in a few too many glasses of bubbly only I have promised myself not to because it doesn't make me cry less or get the words out and I have a few I am supposed to get out and I will be damned if I embarrass him, my baby. For some reason he is still my baby. No, I will not cry, I will not cry during my speech. That is where being a professional actor will come in. This is a monumental day. I never thought in my wildest dreams I would be watching my son do any of this. For us life is precious and fragile and at any moment it could be gone. My son is legally handicap and has been a wonder of strength and has made me proud. Oh sure if you met him you would say "what is she talking about?" He isn't obviously fragile. Lurking under his skull is a fascinating bit of mechanical genius that keeps his brain healthy and in good shape. Until the day it is pronounced redundant he is dependent on his two Ventricular Peritoneal shunts. Amazing engineering that has kept my boy safe and sound and I bow to the feet of technology for having come up with that little bit of wonder.
He is healthy strapping and handsome, smart, kind and funny and very sweet. Yes, I am aglow with Motherly pride. He has also caused me to die (metaphorically) at least 5 times as I rushed to the hospital with his little limp body deep in crisis, alone as I watched the emergency room people rush to save him. He has made me know in the most intimate way, death or goodbyes. The reality that there is NOTHING I can do to stop him or anyone from doing what they may need to do, like pass, transition, die....we are helpless in the face of destiny or what have you. Sometimes we die, too young or so the story goes.
I refuse to tack the usual religious hoo hah onto this story because whether this is all because of something more than me or him I will not say I know. I just think it has been a moment by moment adventure and still, even now I cannot assume that he or anyone myself included will live to see another day.
When I decided to become a mother 28 years ago I never factored in the possibility that I would be in for the teaching of a life time. That it would be the great undoing of Rae Dawn. So grateful am I that my child was born healthy and then full of adventurous medical needs. I am grateful we came through so far and I am thrilled to see him continue on the path that we all do...in a way. Marriage and children no doubt, although I stop and say nothing here now is expected...whatever comes is a gift, a blessing a dream and wonder.
My adventure in Motherhood has taught me to have no expectations only gratitude.