We got a pile of gorgeous heavy snow last night. I was driving our gigantic truck to get to an appointment and I didn't know one had to turn the wheel hubs to get the 4 wheel drive to connect. So being persistent I managed to get my sliding huge truck onto the road and down to the highway with almost zero control. Meanwhile it is still heavy snow falling. I am telling you a near white out and it's night. Now a normal person would have stopped right there. They would have parked the truck in the road right where it was jammed against a pole and walked back to the house?
No, not me I am not normal. So I climb out of the truck unaware that I have jammed it against a pole and I manhandle the hubs which for some reason took near super human strength to turn into position. I had to wedge a piece of metal (found in truck) to do the job. Once engaged the truck could move. So I drove to my appointment late but I made it. Then after having to apologize to my very understanding boyfriend that I have permanently dented his "baby" (promising to fix it) I realized how close I was to either killing myself or someone else. Had I gotten the out of control no traction truck onto our Highway I would have slid into something and God knows what else...
For me the worst depth of misery would be to hurt another and be hurt in a massive way (brain injury or worse) luckily I called a friend who is truck wise who sort of walked me through the connect the hub thing.
Recently I realized that I would rather have God consciousness or the desire for it and the willingness to look within and the longing for connection then anything else in the world. To be hurt and to lose this to me is HELL...nothing else comes close.
Oh I know many people could care less about self inquiry and live happy lives without once caring about the bigger questions and look to the likes of me like what I am; insane for even caring. Yet it seems sad to me to not care and to not want to know those deep questions and feel that incredible "aha" moment when once in a while enlightenment happens. Bliss, joy, happiness.
I am not putting anyone down in saying any of this and I have many love able people in my life who would rather go to sleep and or watch a television show then ask "why?". I sort of envy the simplisticness of their thinking, less clutter.
Still I am deeply grateful to be me. I am so happy we have a slight rise on our road before you get onto a major highway that I could right now run down our road and kiss it. I wont but I should.
I was that close to death. I have a fascinating get there no matter what spirit that scares me and those that know me. In fact years ago a wonderful film came out called "Rabbit proof fence" about an Aboriginal child and her younger sister. The movie was about how they escaped a nasty government school where all sorts of terrible things occur. She takes her little sis and walks across a thousand miles of deep waterless desert and they survive. That would be me...I have that, I know that, I would do it if I had to drive.
It scares me and I reckon it will also be the thing to save me and carry me to some success and I also imagine kill me.
Oh well we all die some day.
Meanwhile I am here for one more day...happily.