When we are sad...

My first cousin Shannon lost her husband, Darryl Rozak. He died yesterday at 5:30 am EST. He had had a massive heart attack and never recovered. He was 45 years old a baby really when you think about when we die. My sweet cousin is in shock and grief, huge unthinkable pain and sadness. I know as a friend and as her cousin there is nothing I can say or do really to ease this pain. We are in it and it is...life. Driving home the sky seemed sore, where I live the sunset was astounding it was almost purple yet it was still an orange. I saw it as sore or sad. I didn't know him well but what I did get to meet was bubbly , sweet and so kind. He adored his family was a true salt of the earth man. He worked for the department of transportation, he was loved and admired and happy. So in effect he had a rich love filled life.

I know everyday every minute someone dies somewhere and often it isn't easy or a "nice death". So sad and so sudden...and lets face it we are never truly ready to lose anyone.

In fact it is the family who is left with out "him" in this case, that breaks my heart even more, his children and wife.

If we are lucky and or strong, we will recover, we carry on.

...It's tough to say goodbye.

We can't prepare for it...it's just sad. There are no words to ease this pain....none.

Death of a killer

They killed the DC sniper. I wrote about my encounter with them a while ago. I was lucky I didn't stop and talk to him. He wanted me too but he was wearing a flak jacket and way too many bullets and I got that feeling of "danger" from him. They were doing target practice behind my home in Blaine Washington. To come so close to a murdering man who was looking for women to kill that resembled me. I am so lucky and obviously it was not my time, yet. We all have a best before date stamped on our foreheads. We just hope and pray it isn't in a violent or say diseased prone way or painful. We all wish it were to happen during sleep when we are 120 years old. Or at least I do. I want to drift peacefully away or go in mid sentence. The way I can go on(I have so much to say) and on it most probably will be in mid sentence. I watched a clip of his ex-wife whom he dedicated his rampage to. He was killing the world as a symbol of his hatred for her. In a way he succeeded because she will always be thought of as the intended target and her children are now children of a serial killer. Tainted goods. I feel horrible for the victims who were at the wrong place at the wrong time and I pray to never have to deal with that trauma. Still he, the killer was a sick man undiagnosed. I suspect it was schizophrenia, so sad and harsh. I realize I first blogged about the desperate need of our societies world wide to respect psychology as a medical scientific fact and for every culture to provide help for those suffering from mental health issues, to be able to get assistance free of charge.

We are a species under siege. Psychologically under duress and we have not provided a safe haven to heal or an easy place to get help and it is costing us lives.

The massacre at Ft. Hood is another example.

No respect for the importance of mental health awareness and we suffer. Will suffer for a long long time until we admit that there is a need here.
Imagine if the DC killer had been medicated and maybe committed to an institution for the insane? Then maybe those people would be alive today.

Our overwhelmed military needs to help in this. I know that is a tall order instead of accepting theses disturbed people we need to help them. I know I am speaking of a world that doesn't exist. The military is desperate for bodies, sacrificial lambs to dispose of in senseless wars, who am I fooling?

Sad day for the victims; sad day for for everyone touched by mental illness.

Really?

Recently someone was after me because I was late or hadn't added a new post. The thing is I am on the fence about what to do. It isn't too difficult to come up with topic but I do find my time filled up with other work things. Which is good. I am trying to write a book and it takes time also I feel sort of torn about how much Blog time to invest. I am not sure about value or productivity here. Doesn't everything have to be productive? so far or so I have convinced myself I am not in it for something, yet because of that I can easily let a day or two slip by and not write anything.
Listen, it is a honor to write something and have one person respond let along more then that or I get the biggest thrill when someone says I saved their lives and it was because of something written by me. That is priceless. Nothing fills me more with a bigger sense of purpose. I am not a scholar or academic or anything high flown. I am human and sometimes I can turn a sentence or two. My father is after me to write something. Of course that just bugs me to no end...for reasons I will not get into.

Still this is me wobbling around here with this fantastic communication tool, not yet owning it.

Please bear with me...my soul, my experiences are here just itching to be shared and once I can get over my insecurities and neurosis I will appear or present material.

It is me, myself and I, that stand in my way...and I ask for patience please.

This woman is finding her footing.

Thanks,

RD

Leadership

Ah the delicate balance between leading and being a servant to a higher cause. Difficult and obviously not everyone is good at it. There are differing way to lead, some more effective then others. I personally like to have a leader, a captain, someone who is balanced and can guide me. Yet, I like to be a strong member of a team that in times of stress or need will allow me (if needed) to step up and lead. Temperamentally I don't have the patience to be a full time captain, or leader, too frank, too bossy. I can be quite cranky and emotional when I need to be calm. I am working on this flaw but it may not be mastered in this life time. So I never step up that way. Also I am not keen on transference. The passing on to me of every one's "stuff". It's bad enough being a celebrity. Where people gob on to you their ideals of perfection or in my case 'womanhood". It isn't very friendly and it makes for weird moments because no one not even Angelina Jolie can sustain your ideal of perfection. Not possible. No amount of physical or emotional or intellectual beauty will suffice. Perfection isn't a goal.

Still we do need to appreciate those who lead well.

Yes, we have had a few fantastic leaders in America's history. Today I think we have one currently in office, President Obama

I think Obama in spite of not attending to every one's needs is an amazing leader and I am happy he is our fearless leader.

The office of President and all of our governmental processes could use some work, some improvement, change campaign financing for instance. We have greatly improved things in Washington from the previous group who have mashed things up pretty bad giving our current President a TON of impossibles to overcome.

Okay that last bit may be too vague what are impossibles?

Health care (one pay), economic recovery, etc...tough stuff.

I know there are people who are personally ready to over throw him. who are so deeply offended by this African American liberal socialist. Thankfully these people are older and hopefully they will go away soon. We can't have everything...and I can live in a world that is tolerant of intolerance as long as they are not in office.

...That would be intolerable.

Juiced

When we play a tennis match I get pretty pumped up. Yes I do, in fact my biggest thing is calming down so I can be in the moment, so I can play my game. I fight like a warrior and enjoy the contest. It is in our DNA to do battle. I understand the fascination with guns and fighting and martial arts etc. It is a primal urge. I was watching a Vin Diesel film last night the second 'Riddick" I liked the production value, I thought it was high. The elemental character was also beautiful (the idea) the rest of the script seemed sort of far fetched and unfortunately not as organic as I would have liked. It made me appreciate the new Batman movies a lot. It shows how much work goes into making pretty starchy dialogue, moist and real. It wasn't the actors fault as much as the ear of the director. When you have a high effects film with enormous technical issues it is hard to keep track of the sentences being uttered. I know first hand. I am hoping to one day maybe work with Vin on something. I have a film for him that I wrote that I want him to star in. It's a hero's journey only it is a real human being from Earth. It must be a challenge to be a stud in films. I know it is very challenging for woman to be "it" or "the girl". For men the same, stud muffins, beefcakers all that muscle and probably "roid" use. I am not saying Mr. V uses them. Yet I get why some do. It is a LOT of pressure to be cut and enormous.

Subtlety is tougher then it looks, it's subtle.

I love watching movies though, sometimes if the script is really singing and it just works I will not look or watch the movie, instead I will just listen to it.

"Adaptation" the movie is a script I can listen to, it has transcendence.

That's what moves me transcendental dialogue and real emotions and ease, no "acting" or "blacking" or whatever people do out there in Hollywood.

Subtle is good.

Cults

Maine repealed gay marriage...sad Mainers. Ruled by the fundamentalists. Only a weirdo would be invested in stopping two people who love each other and want to take their love to the next level. Only some hopped up judgemental creep would care one way or another. People who are law abiding and tax responsible citizens should be allowed to marry whether same sex or what have you. No I am not for underage marriage. I think we should visit the idea that people need to pass a test, get a license to be allowed to have children. Too many have children that cannot raise them properly or safely. Some sadly motivated by a long list a reasons none of them wholesome. Why aren't they fighting for that? These moral a-holes? Oh I know it opens up the argument of rights, and such. We need a license to drive, give massages to people, to administer services etc...but if we want we can bring a defenseless infant into the world, regardless of economic or emotional,psychological preparedness or health, crazy.

These same christian moralists need to eradicate slavery world wide or child abuse and or crimes against woman and children here domestically instead of legislation to prevent adults from expressing their love.

What is wrong with this picture?

We have friends whose eldest daughter is mesmerised by her christian group. The Pastor sounds like a cult leader and from the stories of his elevated sense of character and his families, I reckon this is a cult. My heart goes out to them because when and if she survives this group she will be bruised and hurt.
We get suckered into cults because we want something. Usually it's God's love and a sense of belonging to something important.

I say practise love when ever and where ever we can and one of the first most Loving things we can do as a society is allow adults to marry in peace and with societal support regardless of sexual orientation.

My vote is in and I say allow gay marriage.

We

A big fire in a fireplace makes me smile and I must say is almost more welcoming then anything else. We entered my BF's family home last night where his Dad had made a fire. We instantly melted into the soft sofa happy. The cooler temps mean a lot to me. I love dressing for weather ,being in it and the colors smells and emotions. Oh sure some of the holiday drama I could do without but outside where it is obvious we are tumbling into winter I get happy excited.

No matter what happens with the President I read headlines that are negative and of course what this administration is doing we all know will never satisfy everyone , it's impossible. I have a Christmas wish of complete withdrawal from over "there" why that is wrong I still can't fathom.

I think everyone would benefit from the US pulling out of Iraq and Afghanistan. I think everyone one who is against it is entrenched in their thinking attachment to the idea of winning.

No one is winning anything any time soon.

Finally my lovely cousin's husband had a massive heart attack this weekend he is in the ICU. She is afraid and worried and there is nothing we can do except pray and trust and love them.

Who do I pray to and for what? I pray to the creative forces or energy that I want or hope exists outside of the little "I".

I ask for understanding and enlightenment, clarity of this frightening situation.

With all of my heart and soul I give thanks for all of the love that surrounds us.