Thursday, August 12, 2010

Choices

Good morning…yesterday I was asked to share a tale a story about being a mother to my son Morgan. When he was seven weeks old he was diagnosed with hydrocephalus (water on the brain) he had an obstruction in his lower right ventricle, the well where spinal fluid is made. We have four of these magnificent areas and one of his was blocked.. So it was decided that at seven weeks he needed to be shunted immediately. I was 21 years old and new to being a mom and very worried and scared but also at the critical moment in my life I was grateful that I had built unbeknownst to me a solid spiritual foundation based more on my own intuition and faith in life and nature then say man or a God. The lovely doctors were generous in telling me that my son would be horribly disabled and unable to do the simplest things because in their experience this is how it went, water on the brain? Well that meant a long list of issues. In my experience I knew it was up to me and Morgan whether we would make it out of there alive and whole and healthy. You see I sat on the bed in the hospital and I meditated on my choices and I knew there was an entire universe of choices for me. I could succumb to the opinion of the trained staff in the hospital and believe everything they said because they were experts or I could feel into it and hold the child and allow him to tell me through his energy and light what needed to be done and how it would go. I needed as his mother to hold him in his wholeness allowing the staff to do their jobs but never for once letting their fears or opinion sway me off course. I felt at 21 that it was my job to see him as he truly was whole and healthy and strong and I did. I would listen quietly as they explained what would happen after the operations and how he would never be able to this or that or I can’t even remember the horrible list anymore. I would nod and listen and think as each word was spoken “not him” “not this time” I really knew he was different and that his story wasn’t disability but Morgan’s story was healthy wholeness. I decided that we would never be able to tell that he was shunted; twice in fact he has two. Some of my family were frightened and fought with me as I disagreed with the medication protocol. I knew enough that I could question a lot of the things done in the hospital to my little new born. I was diligent in keeping tests to a minimum and keeping stress out of the room and allowing him to heal. I was fierce in this. It wasn’t about me or my popularity it was about my child healing with love and care and given a chance I would have had him out of there sooner but as it was I was strong enough to sleep sitting up in chairs or on the floor for the three weeks he was in the hospital…I knew to never leave him alone. We had 6 episodes through different stages of his growing up where he almost left us and we are still not out of the woods but today he is an adult, married, working and living a normal healthy life. Able to do most things and no one ever knows that he has a shunt. I know that for me as his mother as a young girl when my child was in crisis I saw that I had a choice. I saw that I could succumb to opinion or I could hold him in wholeness, simple. I say this not negating expertise but knowing that inside expertise is a huge unknown. I grabbed that space and made it ours made it the place where possibilities could occur. I think in every aspect of life we have that room that universe of potential that most educated experts can’t control or know about. Some say it’s miraculous I say it’s less miracle and more of a normal state of being. If we blindly accept everything the “experts” tell us as gospel instead of feeling inside our own hearts it’s no wonder we have grief and tragedy. On the other hand I say listen and be still and the answers come and sometimes it is to be feeble and disabled…and sometimes it is not. In our case it was wholeness and health against the odds. Amen.

5 comments:

Dwane T. said...

More reasons to love and admire you all the time. I thought I knew your story, but I had no idea about this. That spirit that somehow magically seems to eminate from on you screen no matter what the role is real. You are a wonderful woman. I love that although you may have more wisdom in expressing and understanding it, your faith has always been great. 21!?!?!?! My God my sister, I don't know how you did it... but then again, I do.

As I was driving back from lunch today and lamenting that congestive heart failure keeps me from working out to the level that my desire and ability to block out pain wishes I could, I thought about how after leukemia and a stroke I was given 48 hours to live, twice. I love my doctors, and I love the impact I had on them when they had to accept that I was going to live despite there being no medical reason for it. I know I'm blessed, but I'm not special. My illness came in my early 40's. You and your son... basically dealing with those issues for a lifetime and embracing the victory before you even got started... you are special. Much respect always.

Rae Dawn Chong said...

Dwane T!?!

Thank you for sharing your story. I can't imagine what that is like knowing there is a limit to what your body will allow you to do and risking death, cancer too. Wow...and to be so positive.You are a teacher. It's a privilege to be your friend.

Thank you.

Dwane T. said...

"It's a privilege to be your friend."

Reading that was one of the greatest honors I have ever received (I just stared outwardly, but smiled like a child inside).

It is a privilege to be your friend as well.

Suzi from Ojai said...

You both have incredible Faith! I envy that. I would have fallen to pieces hearing that about my newborn son!

Even Doctors are now admitting that being positive has much to do with healing.

mario said...

thanx for sharing...lov ure writing, experience you r way up there in this here universe i get everything u say like its the truth how its meant to be

Followers