Dropping the ball

Dropping the ball, I seem to do this in my life in small and not so small ways and it irks me. I was criticizing Oprah (my new past time) about what I perceive as a lackadaisical effort toward media integration. I think I may be too harsh on her. Something tells me I don’t know the whole story maybe she has tried to introduce the world to the wonders of all things ethnic and been rebuffed? Has she? Not so sure. I know a lot of her accolytes are successful; Rachel Ray, Dr. Phil, Dr Oz, Nate Berkus but fascinatingly none are of color. Yesterday my friend mentioned Gayle’s show? What show was that it came and went so fast? Maybe it’s too close to home I said maybe she is afraid to back any woman of color because she wants to be the best and brightest in THAT category. It may be as simple as that. So she can afford to support everything else and see it to success because she is the only example she’ll allow in the “color” category maybe? So maybe it’s deeper than just having dropped the ball. I still wonder why she is the only cover girl on her magazine. I know she has shared the duties but she is still it. Apparently her company explains the magazine doesn’t sell without her face on its cover. I don’t know maybe that is true. Still I feel there is a dirty spot in the otherwise clean sheet and it’s secret. My friend who knows Oprah as well as anyone says she is extremely complicated in her treatment of woman of color and beauty. So it is, so she is like any Empress she keeps her competition down. I guess it works and is very smart, very smart indeed. Must take note…keep my competition down. Although I can’t, I don’t have the ability. Years ago I was asked why I didn’t have more hot girlfriends hanging around. Why I didn’t like Hugh Hefner have a gaggle of bimbettes just hanging out eager to be befriended by my hunky guy friends. I laughed because it was true a lot of my friends where real people who looked normal and some of them were maybe even physically unattractive some were hot…but not all of my friends were hot that is for sure. At that moment in my life my relationship was fragile and my man was a dog who loved to screw my girlfriends. So men you wonder why some of us don’t have hot girlfriends, okay? On the other hand everyone wants something honestly would all of those girls be hanging at Hefs without Playboy magazine as a draw? Hef is a doll but it’s the magnetic pull of possible Hollywood fame that attracts the babies, buff bodies and all. So I understand Oprah more. It is human nature I suppose, that we need to rule. If you see hot people clustered together there is some force something that is attracting them…and it’s usually the chance at something big like a part or a rich husband. Maybe or maybe they are athletes? I notice fit people tend to be quite handsome, maybe it’s because they use their bodies and it makes them handsome. We all want something its nature at her finest, she makes us desire. Religions have it wrong when they say “rid yourself of desire” I need desire to wake up every day, to move my body to live. It animates me…it propels my universe. I also like competition I enjoy the challenges of my smarter than me friends and the edge I walk in my career. I used to resent it but I am starting to understand it. I get why we should be thinner it looks better on camera and it’s all about beauty. I may not be successful at controlling my hunger/s but I get why it is desired to be stick thin for the cameras. The trick for me is learning to love that sensation of being hungry…feeding off it. I am certain I will die unsuccessful in this. I am certain I will always be just that much over weight. I don’t like to feel pain and to keep my body sharp edged means pain. Who cares there is more to life this than that; I know…I know trust me. Still I am trying to find a way to honor my animal athletic self. I am certain America has it wrong in its support of aging, babying ourselves, we need to move every single day, we need to be outside and we need to be in nature a lot. Every other hour should have us stretching and lifting heavy. It’s true…we were meant to move. We were meant to be fast and supple and tough for decades…like those fabulous Papua New Guinea men and woman. I can see myself at 70 naked with a lean muscular body, bone in my nose chasing after a flag in the over 60 naked marathon for woman in New Hampshire. Can’t you? My New Year resolution; have friends who are hot (to me) be outside more and when possible (safe) be naked.