Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Nothing is more irritating than having someone tell us “under the guise of friendship” what we need to "do" in the moment of a crisis. It is a phenomena that I notice people don’t talk about enough. It is true we can see into a murky situation better from a distance and yet when the tone begins and the words appear we can hear them alright, clear as day and sometimes even understand their correctness, but it bugs the crap out of us and we shut down. I am so guilty of dishing out heaps of advice which I always find I need in the moment I spout the words out of my yapper. So I will take this moment to apologize to my friends and family for the decades of RDC advice probably none of it welcome. I suspect it is because we don’t want help we want to stew and fester and sink. It’s my life let me blow the turns of it. So I noticed yesterday when I was speaking to a friend who is having a very big moment of pain this is someone who I adore and have been friends with for over 3 decades and you know we both have not changed all that much. She was in “it” I listened and sure enough as I was gently (a lie) explained a few tidbits wanting to ease her confusion she wasn’t having it. I had an “ah ha” moment. Why should she get my wisdom and it’s 2 cents worth? It is her path, her life and she is on it and how dare I? So I listened and didn’t get bored or sad or anything, I just listened and then I remembered my Father centuries ago trying to help me and I rejected everything he offered because I could and did. I also remembered that he was right and I should have listened but having spent a huge majority of my time disliking him I suffered. So I listened and I was and am sort of impressed by the fact that we don’t want advice. We want an ear and a quiet co existence someone to hold the space of misery together. So that is what I did and it was really a challenge. It was also a practice in self love because afterward I listened to myself my untold advice and everything I wanted to share I needed to implement myself. So there it is; my bit of advice about withholding advice and the loving act of just that, being quiet and trusting us as we tumble and bump and crash through the cosmos.
Posted by Rae Dawn Chong at 9:28 AM