51

My birthday is coming up and so a friend sent me a link that shows who has the same birthday Feb.28 not necessarily the same year. One of the luminaries is Paul Krugman who I assume is THE Paul Krugman Nobel prize winning economist which just thrills me to no end. I know that greatest doesn’t rub off or isn’t achieved by association or anything like that but it warms my heart to know someone with this birthday can achieve a lot. It isn’t an easy day to have been born; it comes with incredible highs and lows. I am certain everyday has similar influences that our day does and I am not at all saying we are more or less blessed but of all the people who share this day that one person thrills me. I love his op-ed page in the NY times and I listen every time he speaks. He feels human to me and I trust his critical thinking. Can one be a groupie for a genius? You bet! Okay so how does it feel to turn 51? It doesn’t feel like anything except that being 51 is beginning to unfold in my life as the decade where I create and know what I like and whom I like and what activities will take up my time. It is a certain awareness and lack of tolerance for the excess and the inconsequential and the unproductive. It sounds cliché’ and maybe it is but I have decided that if you are not generous and kind and fun I don’t want to bother with you. So take this as a warning and if you are a TAKER beware I am after you. It could be that my intolerance for being a taker only is my own self judgment maybe, but beware. Okay so this year I am in a good mood even if I am not sure where I am headed. I am excited and trying to get a handle on myself and my appetites. So far so good it is beginning to show. Being middle aged doesn’t have to be hideous it can be a flexing of confidence and mind muscle that otherwise hadn’t been formed yet. That in itself is sexy. Happy Birthday Paul!

Revenge

This past Friday a rather sleazy producer passed away. I regretted ever working for him and wish I wasn’t so driven because everything he was associated with somehow was below par for me and he even forged my signature on a document allowing his company to show frontal nudity. Extremely painful and deceitful and wrong, as both a man and director and producer he was just despicable so when I heard he had battled cancer and died I was overjoyed. Seriously I was tickled pink and feel he fully deserved his end and everything that happened to him. I know horrible me.
I have always thought I was a forgiving person who mainly forgave because I’d have mostly forgotten whom ever had done me wrong and there is a long list(sadly) plus I also accept my own responsibility for my experiences both positive and negatively so I get that I am 50% responsible for the bad stuff too. Still I am shocked at my joy at the misfortune of someone else. I do believe it plunks me to the bottom of the list of enlightened souls. OH boy am I busted. I delight in his death and feel like he deserved every miserable moment of pain because he is or was an evil bad man. Where is my Buddha hood now? Missing in action I admit and I laugh or giggle at my viciousness what a revengeful minx am I. Revenge isn’t good but it certainly is powerful and listen I didn’t have to work with him exposing myself to his vibe and company and films it was all my fault. So I need to cleanse and get going with my own teachings because obviously I have a LOT of work to do. Wow.