Thanksgiving 2013

Happy Holidays everybody!!! What a year it has been super instructive and at times excruciatingly painful conversely excruciatingly happy go figure. Friend’s lost family member’s (Annie) gutting and I don’t look forward to my turn. I am in the midst of a huge life change. My pilot is in postproduction and I am enjoying the process although it is painful to watch at times I am no longer 20 and it is taking everything I can to muster maturity to see it as if it were not me up there on screen. This is key so I can be useful while we tweak the edit. My budget was almost perfect almost I have to hustle a bit to make sure everyone is paid. Not horrible but some people we paid who committed to us gratis making my number skewed a bit (Ira) no worries…I made it work. Finally social media has as usual saved the day so many cool people I have connected with including my shows producer Sean. What a gift meanwhile I was blessed to also reach out to a NY Times critic whom if my show turns out will maybe give us a few lines of support. Mind you if it is subpar I cannot expect any support from anyone and it will be I to blame. Finally so much to be grateful for I am blessed with that I send blessings to you are your family. Thank you for being there and giving me support including financial support all of my donors will be getting their gifts soon I am gearing up to distributing the signed copies of The Celebrant. It is almost there. Gratitude and love for all…this season. Thank you, thank you so much. xo

Personal Dharma's

I discovered the one reason I was born or took life or decided to land on planet earth. Let me preface this with saying I believe planet earth is a teaching planet on a lower plane of knowledge (war, poverty,cruelty,etc…) it is a useful place to work misunderstandings out with too little damage to the cosmic whole. I have no proof and I am not interested in having to prove this I just find it comforting to me personally because how else can we make sense of inequality? If God is Omni everything , knowing, present, loving, blah, blah, blah then hardship is from a broader perspective a good thing. So I want to think and believe that we choose to come here to learn to have gravity and to suffer as well as taste a glimpse of bliss. So during my walk today it occurred to me why I took life. It occurred to me that my one lesson has been to thrive and prosper without any outside influence. To be self-contained and loving yes, in relationships, yes but not driven by them. If I were to look at my journey from day one all the places where I would lean in and depend on someone have been ripped away by circumstance and karma. I think when I can peacefully accept my Dharma it is less sad and more “huh”…or I get it! Some of us insist on life as a gift and one we earn and I think my beliefs can hold that too but I do suspect for me at least I am here to be autonomous and every day I am reminded of it and on face value it seems harsh but in truth it is liberating. Thanks to family and friends for helping get my lesson…I love you for it.

Unexpected and accepting.

Some of us are driven to succeed so we never feel vulnerable yet feeling vulnerable teaches us about being human and allowing life to carry us.Still when that lesson is digested well it is normal and natural to want to give back. I have felt as if my feet were un fire most of my life then that changed for a long time maybe 17 years or so. Now today my feet feel a little hot and I am eager to be as successful as possible and it is time to carry and I have resisted till now. After the "event" this past summer with all the racial uproar it made me sit back and take stock and ask myself "how was I walking through the world?" "what is going on" I found some unconsciousness in my self, some places where I have been asleep or coasting. Oh I am not saying coasting isn't healing or good, for me it has been a soul balm, a place to find refuge. Still it is important to be responsible and aware of ones gifts and to be generous and comeone people can count on. I have hurt people who were unsure of where I stood and whether I was a good citizen. I am a good citizen I am not perfect but I try to keep my word and be as real and true as possible. I know my social conscious is pointed true north. I am good. Anyway we are about to go into film mode and it is a kin to hiking Mt Everest with oyxgen. Stuff happens and being leader it all falls on me. It was a blessing my summer "thing" one experience I didn't expect or see coming but I was pleased to face myself and what I believe,face the naysayers, the haters, the BS; and come out the other side. In the end we are loved, safe and very much a part of a connected huge family. We are always carried but for me I look forward to being the who carries...with JOY! Oh and if you get a chance check out The StaRmy or Jake Klotze up coming web show Part of the Sync family series, amazing. http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/the-cutest-facts-of-all-time?s=mobile

The Celebrant

One last push before shooting I had so many inquiries about donations so here it is...people who want to be a part of us!!!

An Ephipany

Meditate and

listen to the inner stillness and recharge and commune with a part of the self that is wiser and connected to the great cosmic power source God. That was the directive this morning upon getting up. I did as I was told and lo and behold it immediately helped me and things begun to unfold. The first of many thoughts came to me about politics in show business some would call it brown nosing. Now I have been raised a rebel and if I had listened to the experts nothing in my life and career would have been nearly as exciting in fact there would be no career . They said it could never be done. Now I am at the brink of more "no ways' and I have that same kind of resistance but not the energy of youth. SoI sit and meditate and hold it up to divine force. I cannot do a show about a spiritual person who doesn't use spirit to guide her? Right, so it is not a shock that in order to pull this off I need to be a CELEBRANT to myself. Yesterday I read a beautiful post sent to me from a complete stranger about my recent ordeal and he said to relax and some other simple kind words. The thing that struck me was the simplicity. This one note felt seismic in its impact. Thank you man who is handsome and asked me to dinner. I am happily married and I cannot accept your lovely invite but I do friend you in the spiritual sense and I appreciate your attention. It also occurred to me as all things do after we do them that everything can be turned around...inward back to us. Oh I know every single one of you reading this already is fluent in the "Turn arounds "but I marvel in how true they are. a turn around is a tool coined by Byron katie where we turn every belief back around and make it true for ourselves. So I recently criticized someone for being a brown noser but I could use a bit of that myself. In fact it is being politically astute. When life begins by being rebellious it is often hard to change course and become more delicate. I am the daughter of a club owner who bounced...so delicate was not the first go to response it was punch now ask later or better yet "RUN"...Anyway be still and know isn't just a platitude it may save our lives.

Wild Dreamer

I have been having crazy dreams the last few nights in each everything is tender. The people in my dream are sweet to me and each other and there is a lot of sensuality. I had one dream yesterday that had Mick jagger in it when I first met him, young sexy and very soft and sweet. We were in a city on a hill that had groovy restaurants and bars we had a choice so we chose one that had a jazz band. I had the desire to pay for a drink for him because he always paid so he ordered a bourbon as did my friend who was with us. So the waitress took our orders then took my credit card and was gone for a long time. I went in search of her and when I found her she was shy and said the drinks your friends ordered were more than your credit card limit. So the waitress called another one of my friends and he paid the bill. I was appalled and asked how much was this bill for three drinks she says 1000.00. I am shocked and ask her why so much for three drinks and she tells me the bourbon was rare. Then she leaves me frustrated and stressed that someone else pays the/my bill. That same person my friend doesn't have that much money either. I know why is my limit so low? It is because I like it low I spend less. In my dream I don't get my card back or the drinks. I didn't know what to do so for the rest of this dream I struggled with fulfilling the order or letting Mick know he has to pay because he can, he has cash, a lot of it! I don't see him or my friend for the rest of the dream or the waitress for that matter and I spend the rest of that dream worried about my card. Think it's stress money stress? I do... Money my achilles heel. We are about to shoot The Celebrant on a shoestring budget in less than two months and every penny is so valuable. I am almost unable to sleep with casting, locking locations and hiring legal,and,so stressed because all this and I have to act as well...These last ten days have been intense and silly and excellent and deep so I cannot complain but it seems like every day is intense and the global news bears this out. I am certain we are on the cusp of a massive global shift, it is happening. I am having a massive global shift here in my skin,life,world. The kind of change that uproots and disrupts the status quo. Maybe it is just me, only and this fabulous adventure is about to start making my show and it will get very deep and crazy. I am about to get the ride of my life and it will not easy but it will be good for me. You know what they say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. What I think is what doesn't kill us is waiting to pounce later!

Character

There are moments in my life where I can say it was changed for the better and dramatically. This has happened a few times so far and recently. The Oprah flap has been harsh and also a blessing in a weird way. For one thing it made me kick myself in the butt and shed some unwanted pounds. I have to say I have taken my foot off the gas when it comes to my chunk. Mind you I come from a family that has a fat fetish where fat is VERY BAD. I sort of grew up resenting the idea of always having to be hot literally I have scars regarding the effort of making sure men like me. I find it soul crushing always fighting to be a sex symbol and now I am no longer that. Praise be to gawd... I am happily just a woman. Still for my knees that are singing and popping and crunching on the court I MUST shed my chunk. Besides we cannot be calling anyone fat if we are fat! It is tough as hell at 52 to shed weight and I happen to be on thyroid meds since I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's not fun but necessary. Okay still my life is blessed and I think I have survived the whole hideous Oprah ordeal so far. The recent headlines regarding O's so called flap in a purse store in Switzerland have made me wonder aloud if indeed the whole thing was made up to avoid any and all questions about the TMZ thing? Since not one outlet has asked me to speak well that isn't true some very small outlets asked but I think it too juicy to just go anywhere and speak. I think my story warrants a good outlet (national exposure) call me crazy or none at all. If I speak I want it to be a bigger outlet and smart, whip smart. People have said let it go...I should let it all go and I will soon but it isn't going away and I think the woman if she is being maligned in Switzerland has a case a rather public case...meanwhile I promise I don't want to be on the attack. I just want the truth and the truth about Oprah and me, that is all. I have lived a rather full life and I am grateful for it and with this latest dust up which I caused by being so FRANK about a rather painful episode in my history now today it feels like vindication. Why and why not move on? Well because you try enduring strangers calling you horrendous names because they heard you said something awful that you didn't say? Awful, painful and unfair because I have a much smaller stage and apparently everyone is afraid of the most powerful woman in the universe apparently everyone except me. Fascinating!

Dead horse

To further slog to death a subject that may be the defining event of my life which would be sad...and so tragic but I have no recourse since I am not on a press tour so since this is one of the only public forums I have I just want to once again clear somethings up: NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO BELIEVE BUT I NEVER CALLED OPRAH THE N WORD...EVER!!! I never called Oprah a Field N word. I used (unfortunately) the graphic language to show contrast to her massive success. Yet NEVER did I say she was the N word. CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF. Never did I call her the N word...nor did I say she acted anything like the N word. I said I found her to be a brown noser, vile and a bitch when we worked together 28 years ago... So you may believe TMZ or you can actually ask me. If my opinion of Oprah has created a problem well...what can I do. It is a dead horse but rumor and I say rumor has it even she is saying I called her the N word at every turn on every show she has appeared on. For the record I have a pretty confident vocabulary and I did not call her THAT! The dead horse...that will not go away.

The Spirit

It is irritating to read these angry messages about my jealousy against Oprah.If life were a contest to see who got the most I lose hands down. So much so that I giggle at the thought of competition it is like being a minnow to a whale. Yeah I said whale...okay sure I regret giving the tabloids fodder (my use of the N word) but the context was correct. I told a story of being bullied by Oprah and hells bells all sorts of rubbish was heaped my way. The majority of the folks trashing me have no idea what was originally stated to cause the so called uproar which brings me to another point, since when can't a person tell the story of an experience? Oh my brother in law said I sinned in the eyes of many because I offered an opinion of why...why would Oprah do the things she did to me. Well it's just my opinion and last I check we are allowed one. I suppose the folks who are racially upset at me for uttering the N word in the same story as Oprah, these same souls who cannot for the life of them do research or care to investigate, they just go all out ghetto on me!!! Oh yeah I said that too...At the end of the day no one wants to make people feel pain and somewhere in my heart I have to search for that place where I "get off" by causing trouble??? I promise I am investigating it. Trust me I do get a kick out of stirring the proverbial pot. I am sickened by the so called good behavior that is choking our culture, the shallow correctness that is stifling any true depth of thinking. Oh I am sure my manners could use a brush up and I could just shut the hell up...only I would say it in a harsher way using the F word. Maybe, maybe I should not be surprised if the church ladies shun me for being just too wild. Damn I love me some church ladies and I am not kidding...okay I do and I say this honestly I do feel sadness that so many people listen to and read the gossip mags and so believe what they are told. That crushes me and I sit here in my house pondering this. Wow too sad, I am sad to make you sad. Yet I cannot take back my opinions nor do I want to. No, I don't expect to ever sit and have a BS chat with Oprah anytime soon. Mind you miracles can and do happen. Am I a bitter, jealous, evil; sheboon? You bet and I am a gorgeous, generous, spirited, person too

LOVE, APPRECIATION and APPROVAL

I dreamt I was in a square and watching as soldiers were preparing a fire and there was a murmur of voices and my name was being said. It dawned on me the fire was for me. Then I woke up. I am feeling like Salman Rushdie and the period at the start of his Fatwa. I really see no difference. The comments and threats are pretty violent and I am certain equal to the impact of my words on the gigantic fan base of O. what’s interesting is the media coverage and various comments seem skewed in neutral while most are direct at me example ‘Has RDC lost her mind?” I am certain if you told me that this would happen I would not bring this down on myself and yet I feel like it opens up a dialogue about race and what we are allowed to feel and experience within my community and I have a community. The reality is I broke a social rule I aired my dirty laundry about someone I know. Of course I did pick the biggest foe which is why I used the Salman Rushdie analogy her fans seems as rabid. The attacks seem aimed at me for having sat back and thrashed O as if I just had a happy ol time calling her names and carrying on without CONTEXT or story. I have my opinions and they obviously are not popular but it pains me to think so many believe that I don’t feel or experience the same racism and prejudice that every other person of color does. It pains me that immediately everyone assumes I hold myself back or above her on the contrary…what also hurts is the violence and threats no wonder no one ever comes forward with their stories of O. It is this huge wall of silence. Ahhh will the community ever forgive probably not and although I have spent most of my life enjoying deep appreciation this last experience has taught me that I now go forward without Love, Appreciation or Approval. I suppose my spiritual path has just begun, and that is a blessing.

Open mouth insert foot.

My, my, good morning America. I started the day being outed for referencing Oprah in a historical fashion her success and it was dissected and published on TMZ site. I cannot and will not take back anything said in my interview but my frankness will cause pain and for lazy people out there who cannot investigate and listen to my entire interview and who just want to hate me. There is nothing I can do... I fancy I have a big heart but apparently I have a big mouth too. Someone said I looked like hell and was jealous and hateful to Oprah and I say "Okay, Yes" that is just as true. Still some things I suppose are best left unsaid does it matter that it happened to me and I wanted to get my side out? She is a billionaire and me not so much. I am in a bit of shock honestly not sure how to respond and I want to respond. I yelled at TMZ because it was a witch burning and at my expense because they did not release the entire interview instead cut and pasted. Here it is; https://www.transferbigfiles.com/add683e3-05fc-4333-ac00-bd7c0be40a42?rid=ZE2Ral76OKGntt5mTPfolg2 My body mind and soul are sad and exhausted with the tragedy of Trayvon Martin and all race relations. My reference to Oprah was to highlight her success against out pitiful history. My bad for being so bold and obviously hurtful in my stupid word choices. I stand by my story just sad it was used this way... TMZ really? To all the haters have a listen and then judge.

Beverly Hillbillies...I am that.

There is this quandary that I face regarding style and consumption and what it is I want to communicate what values I share and have and will it help the planet as a whole and will it uplift and create more community then say jealousy and envy. I have a show to do and the question is what do I wear literally, do I do used clothing or do I do new? Is it chic or simple and comfortable? Should it be sexy and stylish or practical without thinking sex? Do I sweat my weight do I work to be thinner (better for camera) or do I just present myself as I am every day? I think it is the Kardashian value system or the Housewives of everywhere that I press against. For one thing I don’t have the cash flow. Where do I live in the show I have put out that I want a modest place with yard art and a few animals maybe. Suddenly I feel like the Clampett’s and growing up we were in a sense just like them only ethnic. We lived in community as a family a melding of three or four families we wore hand me downs and I was never happier. My root go to place is that…The Clampett’s from the show “The Beverly Hillbillies” growing up one of my favorite TV shows. I had a glamorous friend who happened to be gay and very cosmopolitan who teased me and often called me a “Clampett’s”. I adored him and thought and agreed with that assessment. I was constantly moving with child, animals, and piles of stuff to and fro. He was right we were that what I adored about that show was the granny and her values no matter how big the house or glamorous the company she stayed true to their roots. I loved that and I find I am living it now. I live far away from Hollywood and I am about to see if I can still make content with my root values. Will I find an audience? I shall see soon enough. It is a tough question because everything makes a statement and it can welcome of alienate people. Often I hear producers say they create fantasy and most of us dream of being a Kardashian driving Bentleys and spending wads of cash anywhere at all times. Not me personally but it must be pretty popular since they seem pretty successful. The housewife franchise same thing. Still my values are not that I don’t think it is smart cool or sexy or even attractive. I am more concerned with other things and people and life and bigger stuff like climate change and politics and policy and LOVE and Death and The Planet. The Celebrant is about that and more…I am obsessed forgive me I am dedicated to doing a great job and I care. I care about us as a whole as an undulating unit floating through the Cosmo’s connected by “The cosmic web” the magic. I care about this.

NHPR

Here is a link to sweet article... http://mediad.publicbroadcasting.net/p/nhpr/files/201305/IMG_2971.JPG

The Campaign

This morning I woke up early and the first thought I had was my about my indiegogo campaign and suddenly I had a panic attack. Why weren’t more people donating was I too fat and was I too ethnic or smug and whoo woo ish…you know nothing is more annoying than an actor being spiritual. Then something fascinating entered my thinking and I said all of it is true and none of it is true and most of the negative thinking is not my business…and no matter what, the amount I raise is the perfect amount end of story. The rest is mental chatter designed to slow my groove down to a crawl and nothing is more painful than letting untruths hurt me. It is competitive urges that haunt me. I compete with whom??? A star from a decade long hit TV series? Really I have languished in obscurity for decades since what “Commando” and I expect to compete? What crazy pills have I been taking? Seriously, there is a cloud that haunts my ambition and my BFF thinks I am wrong but I suspect I am not and that is the race card…I get choked up when I read about how television has never had a black women protagonist star in a series almost ever…okay it has been 25 years before Kerry Washington met Shonda Rhimes and they collaborated on Scandal. I of course go straight to the she’s gorgeous and about 22 years younger and what else??? Oh Shonda has never been a fan…LOL. Oh I digress but those statistics SUCK! How in gawds name am I going to pull off a show about a country Celebrant? Not to mention me as star and created by? Crazy, and no matter how much I admire Lena Dunham the genius behind “Girls” she has Judd and I don’t. The Judd is the man and not to be too racial but let me…THE JEWISH MAN behind the show. If you want success you better get one. Well maybe they don’t all have to be Jewish and many are not but they are white men 99 % of TV writers working in Hollywood. As of this moment I don’t have that…I have fabulous local support and some not so local support but seriously I think secretly or maybe not so secretly my friends feel sorry for me and my ambitions. I suspect they chuckle behind my back and say poor RD she thinks people will care? I think this because it is true…most of us have these “frenemies” in our intimate circle. These so called pals that claim allegiance and really are not friends and don’t want to see us succeed. We cannot live without them it is the dance called life but we can know them, we can guard against the not so helpful negative input they generously heap on us at our most fragile. In our family too that green monster resides. I remember one of the first foundational things I learned after half a decade of deep therapy was that I cannot expect to twirl in the center of my life and expect everyone to find me adorable. It was a childish response and so “stop it”. I called it then the Madonna syndrome where it seemed to surprise her as she first burst onto the scene that not everyone liked her, trusted her, or even wanted to be her friend. It is the aura of success that cuts the unsuccessful to the quick and the successful wonder sometimes aloud why they don’t have more adoring friends. At that time I could sense in Madonna’s eyes sadness. So here I am with my palm out to the world asking strangers to support my dreams. I am asking complete strangers and acquaintances to reach into their pockets and give me their hard earned cash so that I may live my dream. What a big ask…what you ask do they get in return? Well my show is about a woman on the path of life trying to find God. Simple and you ask “why should I care?” I say you shouldn’t unless you want to come along with me on this journey as she (struggles, maybe fails and sometimes succeeds) in a 55 minute frame work. I personally love watching shows where deep issues are addressed and it is done in a clever way where I don’t feel it coming it just descends in an “aha” moment. Don’t give me a dime if it hurts or if you feel less than and shame on me for expecting people to tolerate my twirl and or maybe my physical form offends “gawd only knows” or whatever…I have to stand in the only truth that seems to be up today which is “Life is exactly what it should be right now, no story”. Just simple, we stand, sit and lie horizontal…Thank you Byron Katie. Everything else is a made up story designed to hurt. We have enough of that already. Thank you family of friends who have given to the campaign…I treasure you and love you deeply. The others, I get it and I love you too. xo

How I met my husband...

Today someone asked me what my husband who is not a celebrity had to do to meet me? Well it would seem that it was destiny and we met at a perfect time for both of us. Nothing mysterious and I will say one of the myths of celebrity is that there is mystery. There is a difference maybe in that some of us are noisier and have a communication outlet that allows us to be bigger in everyday life. Although none of us is special in a way that exceeds you or anyone else. Mainly it is luck and maybe a special talent but nothing that makes us anymore or less than anyone else. To be a great actor means one is able to be ordinary and to show life in expression so seamlessly that you the audience cannot tell that it is acting. A celebrity gets to be seen by a crowd, and what is being communicated on many levels can be seen by larger audiences so that maybe unusual. Does that make someone famous better? No, or different not really? We do the same bodily functions and we bleed and have heart break just like the rest and what is truest is that we have fears and feelings just like the rest we are human beings. So there really isn't anything new or special or different that occurs in our lives and sure someone like a mega star may not be able to travel without a security detail and I can assure you it is onerous and expensive to have, to have people to manage crowd control. No, that level of celebrity is NOT fun and I have compassion for those that have to deal with it. So yeah, there are different levels of celebrity (JAY Z and Beyonce) or mine (not that mega…)like in any other aspect of life. Still these are normal people in a real world dealing with the same issue you have and sure maybe the money is different and the posse larger but still people with hearts and souls. So how did my husband meet me and how did we get together? It was luck and timing and good chemistry and a willingness to be/fall in love.

What?

Let me get this straight they have unearthed tapes documenting the shenanigans of the GOP candidate (Tricky Dick Nixon) who manipulated the end of the war in Vietnam. Making the sitting president say that Nixon’s actions were treason yet nothing happened to him till much later after he was President. So maybe it is true that Karma is a bitch still it makes my blood boil on the anniversary of the bogus war in Iraq the bitch known as Dick Cheney and his puppet W are getting attention as they claim they stand by the decision to go to war. Talk about treasonous why aren’t we going after these liars? Why did they get away with treasonous actions? My husband claims it is the defense complex the money to be made in war. Some powerful corporations make huge profits when we are at war. So thinking about the money made as we destroyed a country is evil as well as we spent trillions making it ripe for Iranian influence we paid to make the country ripe for Iran, crazy. What a mistake, I think especially as we walked around (this past Sunday) the ground zero memorial, super sad. So where is the marble wall with the Iraqi names etched in it? Hundreds of thousands dead for naught, the people of Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11 but they suffered as much as we did more in fact. More Iraqi’s were murdered by US troops than US citizens who died on 9/11 and again they had NOTHING to do with 9/11. Personally I want to see something done against the architects of the war I want to see some action against the 4 people most responsible. My heart breaks for all families who lost loved ones…all of them regardless of race and creed and religious affiliation. Not to mention the vets waiting for help here at home. Get our act together America? Why are our wounded vets waiting over 900 days? Because we don’t have the resources we don’t have the infrastructure and THEY who are against this know it! I am part of the human race and I care about us as Earthlings and I think our focus is not where it should be…alas nature has a way of making us pay attention. I will say the money being made at ground zero with the memorial and the gift shop where it was packed with people and I am thinking as horrific and tragic as it was it is now an enormous cash cow for NYC. The new buildings are beautiful so maybe lemonade has been made…some gorgeous good after all. Meanwhile will we ever take care of our people? The ones who are suffering? The wounded caught in the crossfire? It is disgusting…we lost this war and we are still losing unless we can take care of our own here in America.

Recalibrating

It is a frustrating and strange thing to listen to John Boehner go on and on about the so called spending problem in Washington as if they the Republicans were innocent when historically we all know they have NEVER EVER BEEN Fiscally responsible as leaders and it is a weird form of denial to pretend that they are always have been and will be financially responsible fiscal hawks. When in FACT they are very much responsible for our debt (2 wars unpaid for tax cuts etc…) those delightful 8 years with Bush jr. Yet now they drone on about austerity knowing full well that it will not work and could hurt America. It is all to hurt Obama and to make his administration look bad. Shame on you racists politicians, I think it’s race but of course I think it’s always about race and how can I not? Look around us…it is up. I also know that the Dems are wimpy too. It is so irritating and I say throw the bums out. It is going to hurt us in ways that we don’t see now. I am finishing the Jobs Biography by Issacson which I recommend and what I have discovered is that I have been doing my career ass backward. It is too complicated to outline here nor do I want to but I will distill it to what I think is the essence. I lost sight of what I wanted to express decades ago and mainly I have been just trying to pay the bills. A friend of mine told me something sinister recently about Hollywood. He said he heard this from an A list producer about writers and actors, it was that they pay everyone just enough to hook them into the system by paying them enough at first to by that house and car enough to get into debt, stuff we/they really cannot afford. It happened to me. What a dope. Now I after decades of running like a hamster on a wheel paycheck to paycheck, I lucked out by moving away from the hamster hustle and jumping off the consumer Ferris wheel. I can say ahhhhh and settle down into a gorgeous centered place because I don’t need stuff. The bonus is I think I have rediscovered what I was born to do and how to do it. Jobs made products that he loved and wanted to be amazing for people to make things feel sacred not just practical. I want to express and show what I think is important in life by showing its comedy and tragic moments through my filter. I feel although I am unique in my racial makeup I have a voice and perspective that is interesting to a few or maybe many because I feel deeply and I care beyond the bottom line. I also think my values are in the right place we shall see. I do think the internet has saved us from ourselves and Hollywood. There is nothing more exciting than shouldering the burden of one’s destiny. We shall see.

The pilot season of 2013 has a white problem.

Imagine if all the flowers in the world were devoid of color and the only hue they had was white. A world with only white flowers, when I look at the line up for the upcoming television pilot season I imagine it is like that world of only white flowers. The shows are devoid of diversity and the only pilot that could fall under that label is so stale and there is only one, pity. Then I stop and imagine who it is that is feeding this machine the same old tired dramas and comedies and I see a sea of white faces and mostly male. The system in Hollywood is manned and managed and owned by a sea of white men. Parent companies are owned and operated by a sea of white faces so is it any wonder that our media is white. If you look at the audience at every awards show and it is like the world of flowers a sea of white faces. Only Quentin Tarantino has the balls to be brave and yet is it bravery or just taste, he has good taste. I think Hollywood is afraid and money is the driver and the people who have money who buy stuff are a sea of white faces. I cannot imagine a whiter world and I pray that my time is up before that ever manifests but looking through the lineup of future shows the system is about to produce and the future maybe be white but it isn't bright for those of us of color. We have a Black president and the city where the white house is, happens to be predominantly brown skinned as is most of the world as a matter of fact but on the big and little screen one would never know that we were here, or that the world was diverse and full of a multitude of colors and that these same souls these diverse people accomplish and do things in every capacity imaginable doing everything just as well and just as wholesome and interesting and vital, in fact the real lovely vast world we live in is diverse, like the universe of flowers. What’s wrong with Hollywood and who are they speaking to anyway?

My V day.. wish.

We talk and talk and talk about women’s rights but almost nothing changes globally or if it has it is miniscule. Here is a country like America so many things are still being discussed that should be off the table like abortion. Gang rape is up globally and it isn’t death that is the consequence no the perps are then sequestered and the victim questioned I am appalled how far we haven’t come. Being a women of color my heart is sore from lamenting the ridiculousness of the LACK of equal pay. I am a single mother who struggled and really today have very little to show for all the things I did to raise my son. Had I been compensated in a fair way today would be more comfortable financially. Across the board this is true for all of us our mothers and today our daughters. Equal pay act is essentially as important as equal rights and we must as women help bring our less motivated deeply mistaken sisters who continuously vote against their own and their daughters rights because don’t be fooled we are under siege by the conservatives both men and women who want abortion to be eradicated and don’t think equality in pay essential basically “daddies girls” because only an emotionally stunted women who isn’t in the work force would ever vote against themselves. We may need to strike. We may need to stand down and refuse to do our part to get these bills the Violence against women act , The Lilly Ledbetter act etc passed…finally I will say that although I adore Beyonce I am very tired of seeing the stripper style and I want her to glam it up but maybe put some pants on and I wonder what her hair would be like without the sewed on part? Nothing against tracks and weaves but I feel as if the messaging is weird and counter to the so called empowerment much needed globally is getting a mixed message. It may be time to rethink her look and dance moves…she is a mother now and she needs to think about it more…Madonna is pathologically sexualized and it doesn’t work anymore, it screams desperate! Okay…?

The Celebrant

It has been a busy winter so much to catch up with. I shot a piece I wrote for a crowd funding site which will be up soon I hope. It was fascinating to do in my little town I was able to must up a pretty good crew and director so I am hopeful the material was well served. When the onus is on our shoulders it is a different experience one I think that is healthy and better than being a hired gun. I have been facing my own mortality and career with wonder and clarity in that I have know idea how long I can bare looking at my self on film. It takes great strength to watch one age over the decades without losing ones mind. It is a natural process to grow old but that doesn't make it easy.it is shallow to have any sort of discomfort over ones look and weirdly I don’t most of the time but then occasionally it haunts me and I have to make decisions say for wardrobe and do I go character correct or try to look pretty. Don’t let Hollywood fool you even Meryl wants to look good. Still I will lean toward natural not worry about my “looks” and I will go for real and guess what? It isn't good, I look bad and then woes me I get judged. Oh dear still at 52 I am about to be 52 it is unseemly to be so looks obsessed and it definitely isn't popular in my neck of the woods.In my town we value natural and we value grace and we value normal nothing else is comforting and I love that. This holiday season I was in LA and I felt sad for many lovely women I ran into who were feeling old or unwanted painful. Many were obsessed about fat or being lonely or alone and many weren't having fun. I say move away…get out of tinsel town and find a life surround ones-self with people who are authentic and kind and interesting who actually do something,get out of youth -ville LA. Stat. Soon I will have my link up and I hope some of you donate to the cause so we can spread some love. The Celebrant (my show) is ultimately is about spreading love.

My big beautiful African American President!

Today the second inauguration of the president Barack Hussein Obama I was struck by a disturbing vision of young black boys strung up and swinging from trees, lynched in the Jim Crow era and not always in the nasty South. Some where lynched up north too don’t fool yourself the North has blood on it’s hands too…this wasn’t that long ago and yet it is as fresh a pain, a misery and horror as if it were today. My how far we have come and yet how far we still have to go. I am heartened that he mentioned “Stonewall” too a very important site that signifies gay America. This is vital to the emotional growth of America. We must be tolerant and we must educate and become more so. We have much to be proud of and mainly let us celebrate winning this last election, because it was brutal. So many differing groups pitted together to stop President Obama still every day I am afraid for his well being. God help us... Nonetheless we are lucky he is in office and we are a part of it. I have good friends who are not fans of his who wanted Hillary and feel he isn't lefty enough. They have a point we can always work harder and be better! Today... Let’s enjoy this moment because we know it too will change. God Bless Barack H. Obama, God bless America!