Stumble

In my rush to grow up I missed a lot of steps and now in my adulthood I realize those missed steps are vital. So now it is my job to retake some of those steps or better create these steps anew. I never graduated from anything and so next week I get to don a cap and gown and celebrate a graduation of sorts. Sure it is the GED but to someone who missed the step of finishing high school it is a very important step for me to take. I have always diminished pomp and circumstance because it was painful to me. When I was younger I lacked witnesses, so simple things were a source of pain. I know a lot of us had similar issues growing up of working mothers and absent fathers but nonetheless it was a way to avoid the agony of having no one to celebrate my little accomplishments. So I grew up dismissing them as lame only now I realize it is another facet of our growth that we need. We need to develop the emotional muscle of self celebration. It is funny to put it that way and maybe silly to think of our emotions as muscles that need development but they do. It is like learning to allow someone to love us deeply; it’s not natural to some of us it feels like fire burning our skin or worse like being skinless. Love is tricky too because REAL love doesn’t act like media love and certainly never looks like media love. So we are a jumble, a confused bunch growing up. Taking steps are important they teach us many things vital to enjoyment, vital to respecting the processes that make up our lives. In my haste to skip a few I missed out on some soft, quiet yet hugely important moments that make up the healthy psyche of a young woman. As a not so young woman now I am taking those steps for the first time completely aware and awake, there’s sure to be a tear here and there from me because that is also what we miss when we skip steps; happy tears of real love.