Out

Finally a couple of politicians (I know there are a few more) whose heart felt racism has come to the surface and it echo's some public opinion. That it is a race issue and they do feel railroaded by a guy or a movement that is not taking this country into the best direction according to their uptopian all white way. What I know is that ANYONE else who would have taken this job would have maybe done worse then what this administration is doing. I think the flip flop lying that John McCain is doing about his "partner" Ted Kennedy is shameful. Where is character? I live with someone who at times is challenged when it comes to keeping a story straight. I find it the most difficult character flaw, in myself and others. This squirminess when it comes to what one truly believes. It isn't easy to spot but boy do we each need to face it and route it out of our bag of tricks. Look no matter what, try to keep the story straight. I respect a person (no matter what their beliefs) more if they stand up for their opinion/s and don't squiggle and squirm and lie to get out of of being confronted because they might be a bit "white supremacist".

There are many people who are just that and they don't shoot guns or drive pick ups...just like that is true for those few people who look redneck racist but are not. I have actually met a few myself and it was facinating to witness the style choice.

Never judge a book by it's cover, including President Obama.

WE are a complicated bunch and I find it sassy and silly that we need to heap blame on our leaders instead of actually sitting down and maybe prefacing our disdain with" I may be partly responsible for this but I am not happy about...blah, blah, blah". Instead of going off on one man as if he authored everything that isn't good currently in our system. It's frustrating and really "DUMB". Also if the people who are thinking that by protecting Corporate health care and it's racket of public abuse that they are pro-American? It kills me more then bad health care. Who are you weirdos? Please this idea of fair and available will help us not harm us. It's like a shady sci if film which shows propaganda that is scatter shot over a sound system feeding the masses lies, LOVE BIG BROTHER kind of stuff. Who are we? I would love to see them after 5 years of the new and improved system. Provided we get some thing new and improved. I imagine they will be as amnesiac as they are today...no wonder despots the world over have no trouble committing genocide...we are as a whole lazy in almost every way. Fat and stupid is not good.

Watching Mr. Bush hold that book upside down whilst he was being informed about the attacks on 9/11 and then how he sat shell shock or "Gob smacked" (as they say in Briton) for 7 more seconds, then as he stood and skittered away like vermin made me realize that indeed...when we are ignorant, we are just as frantic and desperate as rats only I suspect we are aren't as intelligent or kind.

Full

My baby is getting married this weekend and although I adore the bride I am a bit sad because as usual I am caught off sides here. I am being shown by life that my baby is a grown up, an adult, a man. Oh, he makes me proud in many ways and I feel touched that he is so independent and I also feel like his accomplished life is my accomplishment too. I can't help it. If asked what is my favorite most winning thing I have achieved? It would be Morgan. Being a parent to a wonderful soul like his. I am far from a perfect parent, so complicated and flawed, yet so willing to admit that, open to what I need to learn, to be a better parent. I refused to be the emotionally incestuous mother who draws every last bit of energy out of her child to feed her unquenchable void. When he was little I simply said "no can do" I will not ruin another soul for my vanity. I will raise him to be autonomous and I will endure the pain of him leaving me early and I did. It wasn't easy shipping him off to prep school at a young age and then college. It was brutal to hear him say "Mom, I will never live with you again" with a huge smile on his face and again hear him say "Mom I am engaged". No doubt one day very soon he will call and tell me I will be a granny, soon. If all goes well.

Wow...it all happened so fast.

I am moving from MILF status to GILF status and it suits me just fine "Thank you".

Low shots

The easiest way I know to measure my weakness is to measure how low I will shoot to avoid being hurt. I have to admit it's ridiculously low. I am embarrassed and sort of shocked by my lack of confidence in the quality of my work. It's interesting but I think in order to truly succeed we have to be a bit "psychotic" and or highly narcissist or something to that effect, you know, entitled. All of this is against what is my natural mental/emotional conditioning it flies in the face of years of therapy to "ground" myself in "reality". I am obviously uncomfortable there. I think maybe wrong. Maybe the issue all of these last two decades is I have not shot high enough, kept the "dreams big". I suppose I shoot lower in my dreams because I am wounded and afraid of being once again hurt. This is bogus behavior and yes I need to get a grip and "cut it out!" Still my heart feels battered by disappointments and half cocked attempts at selling my materials and it pains me when things don't move the way I need them or want them to. Funny, I said moved, since recently my gut has been gripped in agony for four days by some mysterious bug of course I rush to think it's the H1N1 virus because the media keeps telling me we are all going to get the thing...I am hurting.

I want to be bolder and to dream bigger dreams. I must remember we are made of mystical star dust and we can do the impossible. I must lose my mind in the headiness of success and reach for the very best life has to offer. "Aim high Rae Dawn" and don't worry about being immodest.

Like that famous Mandela saying it is a sin not to "Go big" or something to that effect.

Wow...please forgive me.

Schisms

Watching a documentary on drugs "The great American white hope" or something to that effect it covered the blatant insanity and racism surrounding criminalizing narcotics. In other words it is racist because interestingly 90% of our prison population who are serving time are ethnic and 50% of that populations offenses is for non violent drugs. Showtime played this documentary I liked it. My father was featured in his prison khakis (gotta love him) it was coherent and factual as it very calmly explained with nice footage and interviews, some,done in Amsterdam our current example that decriminalizing drugs works for society over all. Also the film maker used his own destroyed by booze and pharmaceuticals family as prooof that legal drugs are as bad or worse.

In my time I have heard "it will never be done" more then I can stand. That one sentence should be banned from our language and it is always said with smug confidence. I do know that we need the control and the revenue that decriminalizing would bring. It turns out the control we could actually gain be decriminalizing
make drugs hard for children to get. So it brings up the deeper issue which many people before me have pointed out. It is racism. I know it sounds reactive and conspiracy theorist but I think it's 100% true. Brown skinned people benefit from drugs most since we have never been as afraid if it, and we have turned to it in spite of it's illegality for a myriad of reasons. I know watching your husband , wife,kid or anyone strung out on Meth isn't a good thing it's horrible but we could at least have some benefit from the damn substance as it destroys lives. It isn't an entity that walks up and says "do me" it is a substance that we "use" like booze, sex, food. So I ask...are we really going to miss out on a saner environment when it comes to new revenues and controls and a society that becomes bored with illicit drugs? I know across that board that when prohibition was lifted booze drinking took a big dip...it wasn't as sexy.

Race relations seem to seep into every discussion and the current debates on the table are not excluded from this. It feels like the Becks and Rush like cranks, the shouters at town halls are mad and it's not about health reform. No it's that weird nasty age old thing called racism.

I think we need the revenue stream of all drugs being decriminalized and we need to empty out the prisons more then we need to worry about our so called Christian morals

Which everyday seem to be getting thinner and more corrupt.

I for one think calling a spade a spade is a start open up the debate about dominance and race,start talking about the great white fears of our societies turning brown and how the establishment doesn't want it. Lets stop pussy footing around.

Finally, lets face it...if the Europeans whose ancestors founded this country can't get out of the way of progress they will be moved. Progress like spiritual growth waits for no one.

The mix

Yesterday I was asked to write about abuse, I have written quite a lot actually and it isn't easy since I have very tough feelings about how we live and why and where things source from. Many people would kill me if they could because I try with all of my might not to uphold the idea or the belief of victim. This causes apoplectic spasm of blame and hatred to spew forth at me which although I think I can handle it, I do at times feel sad that we still hold out on/for the VICTIM ticket. Now there is a reason I am such a tough proponent for "self responsibility" this isn't because I am a sadist or insensitive or stupid although I can be all of those things too. I try to empower.

I find it essential in this journey called "life" that we find the "key' the nuclear center of each and every one of us. I am desperate for everyone to "get" their good, to discover their own power. To find their sweet spot to adore and use that endless source of greatness that each of us possess.
It empowers me to know you are there or getting there. I get off thinking about the wonders that can be accomplished when a person discovers that they are "it".
So when I am asked to write about abuse or murder and it's horror I get frustrated because I sense a sort of victim "club" in the mix. This "they were so innocent , blah blah blah", I am not saying that children and women who have forgotten themselves and are powerless and or beaten to death are not in serious need. Do not misunderstand me...but I ask from day one, from thought one, from idea one...when do we begin to take responsibility of our experiences? I say NOW, NOW , NOW.
In any event there are micro moments where maybe we could turn around , leave, say no, or simply wake up and find a way out!

...Or even more complicated maybe what it is, is what is needed in the broader perspective, we will never know since broader perspective is wider then we can see!

Having worked for a few months speaking and raising money for "Surviving families of homicide victims" I learned that there is a much deeper mechanism involved in the path of an individuals life and it is not my job or yours to decide what is a good death or a bad death. That it is the "story" we attach and use that determines our own understanding and healing process and it's time line. That we can "milk' any event or we can learn and move on and grow up from it, understanding that we may never understand how "these things happen". So to address abuse is one of my least favorite subjects because it is complicated and it isn't easy and it is NOT black or white.

I believe we have the absolute power over everything in our "story" and if it isn't a pretty picture and or if we have forgotten this key (or cannot know it) then we start there...but I don't believe in victims.

I believe in us...as creatures who create through vibratory resonance.
Not easy to understand and it is a lonely ideology but it is what I believe.

There are no victims, just confusion on both sides.

Bold

Someone warned me about creeps and weirdos and I must confess it scared me until I realized we're all a bit creepy and can be weird too so I relaxed. I have a fan who I am certain lives in Port authority and he e-mails me. I have met him and spoken to him . He wears a huge parka all year and he is very smart and kind and I am weirdly invested in him although I keep a distance. It seems so unfair that he isn't in a proper home but then again Byron Katie would say "proper home" a story and it's obviously not his. So live. I appreciate that, it is just a story of what is nice and not nice or a bad death versus a good death. We were speaking about a friend who is here visiting who isn't having a good time. She is essentially stalking an ex lover. I suggested maybe instead of looking at this situation as tragic we should see it as triumph, she is here in the States doing what she set out to do annoy her ex lover. He seems to be successfully avoiding her and everyone is getting exactly what they want. We do. We all do. We get exactly what we want. I have a long long list of things I want lately. I won't divulge them since it will cause discomfort to the ones I live with but...it's a doozy. I think it is my job to fulfill the list and I am on it! Now I notice there is this thing called being "kind" and "grown up" which can really stop the selfish express. So I cannot indulge every whim. I want to but cannot. It gives me great pleasure to push against conformity though , it almost turns me on! I am certain "the story" of our lives could be richer and more fun if we let it and if we weren't so concerned about how we look. I know I am a HOT MESS (thank you Chelsea Handler) but a delightful one. I am having a pretty great summer although my list is starting to cut into my ribs a bit.

So I have to be more attentive to my bliss...or so they say. I am glad my friend keeps me posted to life in NYC from his perspective. It allows me to appreciate my own clouded point of view.

Everyday I get a bit bold-er and that is a good thing.

Anticipation

The shops are excited here on this Island because the President is coming everything is on high alert. I am privileged to get to spend time on the Vineyard. Yesterday I watched/listened to a talented poetess Sassy Ross from the Island of St Thomas. Her voice crystal clear, her poetry powerful, economic and at times searing. I deeply enjoyed it. Met some wondrous artist in residence many people from the city (NYC) have fabulous farms and homes with charm to spare. It is fun to admire how well some people manifest opulence. It all sources from imagination. If you can dream it, you can have it, or so it seems. I get to play on some of the finest courts in the world. I try to imagine what life is like to be able to live in comfort and such wealth? Oh it's a wonder. Me, I am an artist, not an opulent manifest or, no I get to visit but I never get to own. It isn't in my cards. I think I am a perma guest, a lovely butterfly who touches down softly and maybe not so softly here and there forever...when ever I have tried to own(anything) it over whelms me and It loses its charm and I become frightened. Maybe some of us are not meant to be owner but visitor...I know we are all visitors, here. Nothing is in stone or lasts forever. I hope we make this next few years without to much drama, but something says it is a volatile time and some of us are itching for a fight. I dream of balance and community. Not mansions on the water. Maybe I should shift my focus or maybe not.